Archives for December 2003

My grandfather is now in

My grandfather is now in his last days. The hospice nurse said 2-3 days in her experience. We are all scrambling to figure out our schedules for Christmas. The family has even talked about having the viewing Friday night and funeral Saturday. The strange part out of all of this is I am barely sad. If I am sad, it is because my grandfather and I have had almost no relationship in my life. He was abusive to my dad and his family and has never been extremely loving to me. Probably polite is what I would call his attitude. At times, he did seem somewhat talkative, but nothing like what a grandfather and granddaughter should feel toward each other. My mom and dad are planning to go up tomorrow morning. Scott has to work tomorrow and Christmas morning. Fst Sgt. let him off Thursday afternoon so we are going to leave right after lunch. Scott’s family is going to come in the morning and have lunch with us on Christmas. I feel terrible for pulling everyone out of sorts along with us, but like MIL said, some things can’t be helped. I feel most sad about my family that is sad. I feel almost like a friend of the family’s that is watching them lose a loved one. He is my grandfather and I do feel a certain connection to him. My middle name is named after him and we have the same toes, a discovery of our last visit there. That is about all I can find in common with him and that’s what makes me sad too. I wonder what Nana will do without him. She has never had to touch, or should I say was never allowed to, touch their money and I wonder how she’ll handle that when he’s gone. I wonder whether she will sell their house and move. I wonder how my youngest uncle will deal with this. I especially wonder how my dad will handle this. My dad did not speak until he was 4 years old because of the fear my grandfather had instilled in him. 4! Can you imagine? Little Emma is already talking (or trying to at 1). I can’t imagine the spot my dad is in being sad to see your father go, but a relief that someone who had treated you so badly in your childhood be gone. I have no idea if he feels that way, I can only imagine what is going through his mind. I wonder if my family has any idea the way I feel about him. My sister feels the exact same way I do. Detached. Unfeeling. I wonder if my cousins see and have heard what we have. I wonder if it should matter to me. If I am bitter or just realistic. Pap’s cancer has gotten so bad that he has a tumor growing in his stomach that has caused him to look 9 months pregnant. He is taking so much morphine he is “out of it”. He is not passing fluids because the cancer is in his lymphnodes. I can’t imagine the toxins in his body. He only has days left and I’m still sitting here in my living room while he is 400 miles away laying in a hospital. I do feel some comfort in the fact that my aunt’s husband and others have gotten a positive confirmation that he believes in Christ and believes he will go to heaven. I was quite torn about this whole thing, much less detached when I was worried of his spiritual condition, but now that I have a peace about this, I just feel like if it’s his time to go, then let him go. Because I for one am not sure I had him in the first place.

My grandfather is now in

My grandfather is now in his last days. The hospice nurse said 2-3 days in her experience. We are all scrambling to figure out our schedules for Christmas. The family has even talked about having the viewing Friday night and funeral Saturday. The strange part out of all of this is I am barely sad. If I am sad, it is because my grandfather and I have had almost no relationship in my life. He was abusive to my dad and his family and has never been extremely loving to me. Probably polite is what I would call his attitude. At times, he did seem somewhat talkative, but nothing like what a grandfather and granddaughter should feel toward each other. My mom and dad are planning to go up tomorrow morning. Scott has to work tomorrow and Christmas morning. Fst Sgt. let him off Thursday afternoon so we are going to leave right after lunch. Scott’s family is going to come in the morning and have lunch with us on Christmas. I feel terrible for pulling everyone out of sorts along with us, but like MIL said, some things can’t be helped. I feel most sad about my family that is sad. I feel almost like a friend of the family’s that is watching them lose a loved one. He is my grandfather and I do feel a certain connection to him. My middle name is named after him and we have the same toes, a discovery of our last visit there. That is about all I can find in common with him and that’s what makes me sad too. I wonder what Nana will do without him. She has never had to touch, or should I say was never allowed to, touch their money and I wonder how she’ll handle that when he’s gone. I wonder whether she will sell their house and move. I wonder how my youngest uncle will deal with this. I especially wonder how my dad will handle this. My dad did not speak until he was 4 years old because of the fear my grandfather had instilled in him. 4! Can you imagine? Little Emma is already talking (or trying to at 1). I can’t imagine the spot my dad is in being sad to see your father go, but a relief that someone who had treated you so badly in your childhood be gone. I have no idea if he feels that way, I can only imagine what is going through his mind. I wonder if my family has any idea the way I feel about him. My sister feels the exact same way I do. Detached. Unfeeling. I wonder if my cousins see and have heard what we have. I wonder if it should matter to me. If I am bitter or just realistic. Pap’s cancer has gotten so bad that he has a tumor growing in his stomach that has caused him to look 9 months pregnant. He is taking so much morphine he is “out of it”. He is not passing fluids because the cancer is in his lymphnodes. I can’t imagine the toxins in his body. He only has days left and I’m still sitting here in my living room while he is 400 miles away laying in a hospital. I do feel some comfort in the fact that my aunt’s husband and others have gotten a positive confirmation that he believes in Christ and believes he will go to heaven. I was quite torn about this whole thing, much less detached when I was worried of his spiritual condition, but now that I have a peace about this, I just feel like if it’s his time to go, then let him go. Because I for one am not sure I had him in the first place.