OK, things got at least a little better since yesterday morning. Scott woke up early to help me with the kids. But I was really wiped out so I went ahead and signed off of work at lunch yesterday. We ended up eating a late lunch out with Mom and then I took a two hour nap and then went to the gym. Yeah, that was nice. I felt mucho better after that. So I cleaned a small amount last night and this morning. Of course, you can’t tell a bit now. At lunch, D&D and family came over. The boys stayed with the kids to play while D&I went shopping for our V-Day dresses.
We had a really tough time finding dresses actually. Scott requested a short dress and apparently short, hot dresses aren’t in style now. Everything was right below the knee with some funky hem or really long like for prom. I finally found one in the junior department of Dillard’s of all places. It’s brown with a plunge v-neck, has some gold sequins at the bust line and then has some gathered fabric out of that and then it’s just straight down from the rest of the dress. It’s pretty short, falling 6-8?? inches above my knee. Best news of all? It was on sale for $30!! We went looking for shoes for me too and I found a pair of Guess shoes that were PERFECT but they were $95. I think I still might get them seeing that I only paid $30 for the dress. So we of course bought more stuff than the dresses. I got a pair of dress black pants, another pair of my new favorite Limited Jeans, two HOT pair of heels and a tank. One pair of the shoes are slip-on heels brown suede with some detail on the front. The other is zebra print with some leather on the top. D gasped so loud when she saw them on me that everyone in the store thought something had happened and looked at her. Needless to say she bought a pair of them too. So D had no luck finding a dress at the mall. We went to every store possible. On the way home we stopped at Ross just to make sure and she found a dress for $12.99, people! That is insane. It’s a cute strapless black dress with sequins at the top and these fluffy things on the bottom. She says she’s going to keep looking just in case but it was really cute on her.
So while I was at the mall, Scott called and said Emma had gone off with in-laws and Lexi was burning up with a fever. He gave her medicine and by the time I had gotten home, she was no longer hot and seemed ok. Not sure what that was about.
Oh, and I didn’t give Lexi any M&M’s before bed last night and she got up for just a minute at midnight last night and didn’t get up like she had been the couple nights before that so now I know no sugar before bed! I guess I learned that one the hard way!!
Scott went to S.’s house to watch Ultimate Fighting. Which, if I realized was not really just a guything, I would have asked Heather to stay with the kids while I went with him. Not that I care about Ultimate Fighting, I just thought it would be fun to hang out with everyone.
I’m guessing I don’t go to church tomorrow since Lexi had a fever. Which is a bummer. I’m stuck at home again. I really, really need to clean the house really well tonight. I know I would feel tons better in the morning. I’ll have to see if I can muster up the energy after I get off here.
By the way, there’s no real update with G…
We continue to talk at work but have quit emailing/chatting off hours. All conversations have been, how do you say…un-suggestive. I think about him a lot less now. Do I still think about him? Yes. But nothing like it used to be. I want to talk to him tonight. Just to say hi and see how his weekend was going. And honestly, I would love to have a very honest and open conversation about where we both stand on the whole situation. That’s not what I was wanting to talk to him about tonight but I mean if I knew I could have a conversation with him about it, I would. For some reason both of us could talk hours upon hours about it. I’d like to know how much he still thinks about me or if he does. If he has changed his mind about anything. Why do I care? I have no idea. I do honestly care about him as a friend. And I do care what he thinks about me. The ego in me cares. The me in me cares. Whether I like it or not and whether I want to admit it or not, we had a different type of friendship, relationship, whatever and I care. And in a weird and desperate way, I’m scared he’s going to forget everything or think I was a pathetic. I just don’t want to be that person he laughs at or rolls his eyes at or says what was I thinking, in 10 years. So have things changed for me? Yes, I can see now more why it was wrong. That not everything was fairytale and it really could have led (and probably did) down a path I shouldn’t go. At first, I couldn’t even understand what was wrong. I don’t even think I would even admit to myself what was going on. And now I realize even more how different our lives are. How different our beliefs are. How much we would never be able to survive. And again, not that I ever planned to be with him ever but the scenario did play out in my head. And I realize how much of an ego thing it was. But I think I knew that from the beginning. We both knew that. And my ego does miss him. But I think I miss that part of him that I think not many people got to see. He was open and honest and nice to me. Now to me, he’s sarcastic, depressed, irritated, flippant, tough guy exterior that he shows to everyone else. And I know that’s not really him. I haven’t given him much room to be anything else but sometimes I don’t like it and just wish he would be his old self.
And in better news, Scott and I are improving. Sometimes I just look at him and think I don’t think I could have found anyone better for me. I wouldn’t want anyone else. I really am my complete and total self with him. I’ve been that way from the start and have no need to be anything else. I’m starting to believe him again when he tells me I’m beautiful. He looks more handsome all the time. Our spark is starting to come back. We of course have bad days still but it is getting better. And that’s why I’m hoping to celebrate V-day this year. Just to remember us. To celebrate that almost 12 years later there still is an us and we’re good. The two of us, two young teenagers have gotten married, had two beautiful children, have bought a house, drive a mini-van and we’re living so many people’s family dream. We did it. We are living our dream. When someone asked me in high school what I wanted to be doing in 10 years, this is it. Maybe some say I didn’t dream big, but I knew what I wanted and I’ve got it. Is some of it less grand than I thought? Heck yeah. But is some of it is as great as I thought? Heck yeah.