Amy

It looks like the weather is going to be pretty bad tomorrow. We may try to leave this afternoon. Not going to be fun with the kids. At all. But I would rather suffer tonight than be stuck on the side of the road or even have an accident.

Hmm, how am I feeling today? Cold. And I’m going to be feeling even colder on Thursday. We are headed to Maryland for a long weekend and the high all weekend will be 38!!!!! That is freezing!! We are still in the 50s down here. Emma is so excited about going. And she is really excited about Christmas. She keeps asking if today is Christmas. And Lexi tried to rip open C&L’s Christmas present. I’m goign to have to do some damage control on the wrapping paper. We have all our shopping done except his Mom. Which she supposedly wants a leather jacket but I don’t think she has picked one out.

We watched Mr & Mrs Smith last night. It was fabulous and um, encouraging . Let’s just say Scott and I will be buying that one.

Today Kyle went to court where the guy from school charged him for assault. Looks like he has to get a psychiatric evaluation before they do any sentencing. So we’re back to waiting.

Lately I’ve been reading up on what Jews believe. I thought it was a simple difference of Christianity. We believe Christ was/is the Messiah and Jews were waiting on someone different. Way wrong. They don’t even believe the Messiah will be God or even partly God. And they believe when he comes it will basically be peace on Earth. It seems they basically believe that the first coming of the Messiah will be like what we expect out of the second coming of Christ. Just for those two reasons, it would be easy to reason that Jesus is not the Messiah. Although what they are expecting and what I believe what should be expected are two different things. So it seems in order to reconcile what to believe in, you would have to interpret the prophecies differently. Or something. I haven’t dug too deep into it except to see that the matter is not as simple as I once thought. Their faith seems to believe in a work-based faith. That as long as you repent and try to live right, then you’re good. The whole concept of being born a sinner and needing a savior outside of yourself seems to be a foreign concept. I don’t know, these concepts have been debated for years and I’m not sure I can do much except try to understand why people believe what they do. Which is why I’m really interested in finding out why I believe what I do. So this Sunday School lesson about Jesus seems to fit right in. And our teacher wants me to teach when he is out in a few weeks. I feel pretty inept but I’m hoping to do the lesson justice. It’s just weird when you put your faith in a context that is much bigger than yourself. You really do start to question if what you believe makes sense. And of course I do believe, and even more strongly believe, in what I believe but I just want all the pieces to come together. To become more clear on why I don’t believe something else just to know that I believe the right thing. Right? I’m sure lot of people have gone through the same thing. And now I can somewhat understand how someone could leave Christianity for another. If I had not experienced God myself, I can imagine from a purely textbook explanation, you could easily be swayed to something else. I have said lots of times that Christians believe some weird stuff. But I guess that what any type of religion is like. Anyway, that’s where my head has been on that whole subject.

Nothing much going on around here. I stayed up late last night with work. Most of it went well and all of the important stuff is good.

So Scott seems to be making a small effort to change. He’s read his book I had bought him without me reminding him to a couple times this week. He bought me a rose last night and had lingerie and the rose laying on the bed when I went to bed last night. It seemed somewhat for him, not me, but at least he tried with the rose. I can tell he catches himself when he is starting to get irate.

As far as the guy at work is concerned…we’ve had lots of conversations since last week, one including the fact that I have to be careful around him or I’d get myself in trouble. Since mine and Scott’s conversation and then the one with him, I’ve been flattered when he said something nice but neutral. I guess I’m realizing it has to go in one in ear, feel good for a second, and then out the other. If I let it do anything else, I get too wrapped up.

I had my hair cut last night. I was growing it out and it had got down to my shoulders almost. But it just ended in a stringy nothingness every day. She kept it almost the same, maybe an inch short in the front and then did it shorter in the back. It sticks out in the back. Everyone seems to think it’s “cute”. I guess that’s better than it was. My hair is just not going to do long. My hairdresser suggested just buying extensions. I’m good with that as long as they look good.

I’m planning to move hosts but I’m not sure when I can get everything installed. I lost my old Movable Type install files which I kept because I thought a couple years ago you had to start paying but I saw on their site now they have a free version so I’m going to go for that and see how it goes.

Sunday School was good today. I didn’t think I would be interested in a study solely on the life of Jesus. Been there, done that, right? Um, no. It barely even scratches the surface. Well, I know a lot–I just have never studied the actual scripture that shows why I believe that. And I have been so interested in what we learn. I even took a notebook today and took notes. I’m realizing that I have taken so many things for granted that I believe. I still believe it and it’s not changing that, it’s just broadening and giving me a very deep appreciation for it. The truth of the matter is in a global religious sense, Christians believe some wacky stuff!! Like I said, I’m not saying I’ve changed my mind about anything, it’s just since being in college and the workplace and out of my little world, I’m seeing tons of people who don’t believe in Christianity and it’s really challenged me to know what I believe and why. Not for them and not even to persuade them. But just so I know. I can’t explain really where I stand. It’s like I know it all and I’ve heard it all and I’ve read the scriptures, it’s just like everything is coming alive and has a real place in the world and not just my life. I’m not sure if anyone can understand that but it’s to get back to that place where I want to read the Bible and am ready to learn more. And you know what, the desire comes after the practice. It’s funny, I’m learning that to be something, you can’t wait until an opportunity comes or the desire or the will to do something comes along. You have to just do it. If you want to be a great Christian (assuming you are already saved), pray, read your Bible, go to church, sing in the choir, visit visitors and then the desire comes after that. It’s sort of like Emma and potty training, I just had to put the panties on for her to be potty trained. As long as she wore the pull-ups, she acted like a baby. When she put on the panties, after a couple tries, she knew she had to be a big girl and go potty like a big girl. If you “put on” the life of Christ, you’ll be a great Christian. And yeah, it may just be hard work at the beginning, but believe me, it doesn’t take long for it not to just be a habit and actions but you become it.

Emma loved Disney on Ice. I thought she might fall asleep but she didn’t. Scott and I had a long talk last night. Or rather, I had a long cry. I basically told him Tim was making me feel pretty good with all the attention he gave me but what I really need and want is for him to make me feel that way. And really, he just hasn’t been making me feel that way. And it scares the living crap out of me that I am getting that attention from someone else. So, once again, he seemed to “get it”. I’m hoping this time I see some real, lasting changes. I am tired today. And I have a headache and my neck hurts. I just want to crawl back in bed.

OK, I feel much better emotionally after getting a day “off” at work. However, physically not so good. I came down with some stomach virus wednesday night. I’m feeling much, much better today. Scott went crazy yesterday having to stay in for two days in a row. Now he knows how I feel sometimes. It was really hard to watch him roll his eyes at me when I asked him for something simple like a cracker or Gatorade. He is an awful caregiver when I am sick and he is with the kids. Didn’t we say in sickness and health? He even told me if I ever really got sick he would have to hire someone to take care of me. Well, thanks a lot!

We are headed to Disney on Ice tonight. I hope Emma appreciates it and can really enjoy it now. She keeps thinking she is going to get to skate WITH Belle. She hasn’t gotten that part yet.

Heather had a funny conversation with Heather. It’s only really funny when Heather tells it, but I wanted to get it down.
They were at Home Depot and wanted to be held. Heather said get on my back for piggy-back ride and she told her like when she does a horsey ride at the house. So Emma gets up and her legs barely fit around Heather’s waist. Like, only her feet are coming around for Heather to hold. Heather is laughing and says something like is this like a horsey ride and Emma says, It’s not a horsey ride, it’s a PIG ride…ah, out of the mouths of babes. I laughed so hard I was crying.

Christmas is fast-approaching and I really need to get some more shopping done. At least to get the stuff for people Maryland.

I find that I’m somewhat hostile these days. No, hostile is not the right word, it’s more like testy or fragile or something. The smallest thing anyone does has me going off the edge. Mom asked me the other day if I had PMS. That kind of thing. And then sometimes I get into these deep thought depressive type moods. I don’t know, my emotions and thoughts have been all over the place lately. I keep convincing myself that I don’t want to talk to the guy at work. That even if I was single, I probably wouldn’t date him. And why do I want to talk to him so bad. And what would happen if I really was single. And I’m not sure why I keep writing these thoughts in this page but I feel a need to get it out. Like confession or something. And then I think what a selfish prick I am to think of all the wonderful things I have now and I’m not grateful for. And then I think of all the ways Scott has been treating me lately cause he seems like he has PMS lately and it starts the cycle all over. Seems like it’s a constant battle in my mind. Then I think why am I taking everything so seriously? Why do I have to overthink every little word or conversation? I don’t know but at times lately it is driving me up the wall.

I went to the Y tonight and ran/walked for 33 minutes and then did abs and arms. I was there for an hour. It felt so good. Just to listen to music, not have to talk to anyone and not have to think.

Tomorrow Scott is working and I’ll have the kids all day by myself. I’m hoping I don’t go crazy tomorrow. I’m going into work on Wednesday so that will be good to get away for awhile. See, I feel terrible just saying that. But, I am with kids 24 hours a day and with my brain all day and between the two, I can’t seem to get it together. I feel like I need to watch a really, really funny movie and laugh my butt off. I think then I would feel better.

I realized that I talk about the girls often on here but don’t talk much about me. I guess a lot of what I do these days is just keep up with the girls. But, recently, I have been doing more me centered things. We joined the Y last month and I have gone consistently for 4 weeks now. I’m really proud of myself. I am back down to 120lbs, which is supposedly my goal weight. I don’t want to lose anymore weight but I would like to shift it around some and move some of the weight to my muscles and lose some more fat in my belly. I can tell going to the Y even only for a month has helped in my stamina. I actually ran a mile on the treadmill there last week for the first time probaby since high school. Or, I don’t know if ever. I’ve always hated to run. But jogging at the Y while watching tv or listening to the radio has been very relaxing to me. I do enjoy the classes I go to, Cardio Dance and Rock Bottom. They are getting somewhat, I guess, easy for me and I need to step it up. I would love to have some Madonna arms! And the classes I go to don’t really help with that. My main point in going though is to reduce my cholesterol. I’m hoping at my physical in the spring it will have paid off.

I have also been studying my bible a lot. I have been doing my own little study of different sins. Anger, jealousy, pride, lust, etc. Stuff like that. It’s been quite enlightening and I’ve learned stuff I haven’t learned in the 20 years of being a Christian. It was quite amazing the EXACT thing I studied last week is what my sunday school teacher taught in class. I mean, similar verses and everything. It was a bit overwhelming actually.

One thing I learned is a struggle quite a bit with pride. It causes lots, actually, most, of the other problems I have. I never would have thought that I had a pride problem, but I do. And I think after careful consideration, most people would see they do too. We all think we deserve it, need it now, our way, etc. It’s all about us. Anyway, so that is leading me to struggle a little bit with needing recognition from those around me. Specifically, a guy at work. I don’t have any trouble with wanting to be with him, per se. But I do enjoy the compliments and even just our conversations. I know I have to be careful to not let that lead to anything else. I mean, it’s not anywhere near anything other than friendly but I just don’t want it to go anywhere else. But I really do enjoy his friendship. And I think that’s ok as long as I leave it there. Scott knows all this so it’s not like I’m hiding anything!

So I keep thinking about teaching a Sunday School at church. And then my sunday school teacher says to Scott yesterday, Amy should teach a Sunday School class. Nice. So I’m not sure where that’s going to lead to. I guess to teaching a Sunday School class.

Finances are not going so well these days. We had a bunch of money saved up for Christmas and then the girls’ birthdays happened and now we don’t. I’m selling some stuff on ebay and selling his weight bench and trying to work overtime at work. I think I might even roll some coins :). I’ve only bought one Christmas present so I’ve got to get in gear!