spiritual stuff

I love what Jenni does for Crosspoint on her blog where she recaps the outline from the sermon for her blog readers.  It may feel a little like simple regurgitation but as a non-attendant at the church I love getting any snippet of wisdom from Pete’s sermons.  I always, always enjoy Chris’ sermons at North Rock Hill so why not share?  Not everyone has time to check out the podcast, so yeah, I’m gonna start doing this weekly I think.  Rambly enough? Here we go.

This series has been about Vital Signs.  This week our blood pressure is about anxiety…surprise!

Chris listed several symptoms of anxiety from an article in Time.  And yes, I wrote them all down.

• mood swings
• depression
• tired
• angry outbursts
• eye-twitching
• fragmentation of the mind (mind is always 100 different places)
• checking out (sort of like daydreaming)
• paranoid/suspicions (always assume worst case scenario.  a card from your husband means he’s cheating and trying make up for it)
• weight gain/loss
• panic
• fatigue
• self-medicating (drugs-prescription or not, alcohol and may I add food?)
• irritable
• reckless
• headaches
• spending money
• stomach issues (ulcers, etc)
• high blood pressure

As Christians, instead of leading the world to peace and contentment we follow the world to find peace and contentment.

The Time article recommended the following things to help with anxiety: therapy, drugs, tranquilizers, exercise, lifestyle changes.  While Chris pointed out that medication has its place as well as exercise (obv) those are often not dealing with the real issue.

Philippians 4

We need to live so others can mimic us and live like Jesus as Paul did.

The one thing: I can have peace and contentment through intimacy with Jesus regardless of my circumstances.

If you have to manage your anxiety, it’s in control of you.

From Philippians 4, here are some Biblical points on how to deal with the root cause of our anxiety

1 – You have the Holy Spirit.  You must ask yourself: When is Jesus enough?

2 – Constantly approach Him specifically and thankfully with requests.  This should be all day, any time you find yourself becoming anxious.

3 – Dwell on good things.  Anxiety is a very me-centered issue.  Move from Me to Him.  You can’t live with the peace of God until you live for the God of peace.

4 – He redefined the often misinterpreted “I can do all things through Christ”.   This is not a message of blessings but whether you are in a state of riches or poverty, you find contentment and can do it all with Christ.  In riches, be humble and be generous.  In poverty, you still have Jesus and He’s more than enough.

John Ortberg says we need to abandon pursuit of peace and contentment altogether and pursue Christ.

Recommended book: The Life You’ve Always Wanted by John Ortberg.  I bought this from the church two weeks back and it has so much great stuff in it.  Highly recommend as well!

Good stuff, right?  A great reminder for all of us!  He’s enough!

In small group we’re reading through John together.  It’s been great to read back through Jesus’ life and it always inspires awe when I read all the miracles.  But when I got to John 9:25 just now, I wanted shout and give a big fist pump for God.

“Whether he is a sinner or not, I don’t know.  One thing I do know, I was blind but now I see!”

Jesus had just healed a blind man and the Pharisees were convinced He was a sinner because he had healed on the Sabbath.  They continued to question the healed man and that was his response.  He didn’t know who this Jesus was but he believed he was from God because of the evidence that simply couldn’t be argued with.  I was blind but now I see.

There are moments when I question everything around me and I wonder if I’m making this all up. I wonder if God really is speaking to us about adoption.  I wonder if God really has been working in my life.  I wonder if that really is the Holy Spirit I hear.  But I go back to a statement that I can make that erases all doubt.

One thing I do know, I was deaf but now I hear

I was 5.  My mom noticed my hearing was deteriorating when I kept scooting closer and closer to the TV and asking for it to be turned up louder.  The teacher confirmed her suspicions when she said I kept asking to sit at the front of the class. A doctor’s visit confirmed I was losing my hearing and would need tubes in my ears.  My mom took me to our preacher for prayer and healing.  I don’t remember any of this but when we back to the doctor he said he didn’t understand it but I no longer needed tubes in my ears.

One thing I do know, I was deaf but now I hear.

I used to chuckle when we took the hearing test at school.  I wanted to tell the nurse that I had been healed.  Sometimes when I’m listening to music I whisper a little thankful prayer to God for healing me and allowing me to hear it.

I know some of those healing services are anything but holy.  I know healing doesn’t come to everyone.  I can’t explain it.

One thing I do know, I was deaf but now I hear.

Just like he healed the blind man, he healed this once hearing impaired girl. You can’t argue it, you can’t convince me otherwise, the evidence speaks for itself.  Even to me in my doubt.

As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”

“Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.”

Glory and thanks to God.  He’s real, y’all.

I’ve been holding off on this post for months now.  Simply shame has stopped me from me posting.  After reading Pete’s blog today about pride, I feel it’s a good time for a little confessional.  But not just for confession’s sake, but maybe to help others make a change.

I had a few minutes to myself after dropping my ring off at the jewelers at the mall.  I went through Nine West to look for shoes and went to Ann Taylor to try on jeans, none of which I bought.  I settled in at a book store for my last stop, browsing romance and then Christian fiction.  I was caught up by the Buy 3 Get 2 Free sale and spent at least 20 minutes trying to pick out 5 books.  When I realized time was slipping away, I hurried to the front with an armful of books.  As I approached the counter from the side, I noticed two other females coming at the counter straight on from another section.  I thought I had “beat” them there, or at least gotten there at the same time so I flashed a tight-lipped smile and continued towards the counter.  I also knew I was younger, prettier, taller, skinnier than the other two and socially, I “should” go first.  That’s shameful to admit, but yeah, I thought it.  But apparently they didn’t.  As I walked up to the counter, I saw the lady at the register shrug her shoulders at the other two females just as I was going to put my books up on the counter.  I held on to my books and turned around to find two very peeved females waiting their turn.  I blushed, pulled back and insisted that they go first.  They shrugged and took their turn.  As I stood waiting my turn, I wanted to run and hide.  How awful was I to push my way to the front, considering myself better and more deserving to go first?  The ladies left without a backwards glance.  It was a knife in the back that I had read the sale wrong and had to put aside a few books at the counter when it was going to cost much more than I had anticipated.  Squish two of your fingers together as hard as you can and I felt a little smaller than that.  I left the store and the mall with stinging eyes.

I can’t count the number of times since then I have stopped and let someone through a door before me or in a checkout line ahead of me.  Some of them seem surprised and sometimes it even brings a smile to their face that I’ve let them before me.  I particularly remember waiting on an older mother and her two kids to go through the line at the movie ticket line when it would have been so much easier, had I, who was alone gone through first.  Every time, I’m reminded of how disgusting my pride is at times and I am happy to let them go before one such as I.

I can’t help but think of this verse and how much in the past I’ve prayed for these things. 

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23

I suppose sometimes learning a lesson is not fun but it wasn’t in vain.  How many of these things listed were improved upon by this one encounter?   As painful as it was, I’m so grateful. I’m so glad God pricked at me and showed me what kind of person I was being.  I could have shrugged my shoulders and went on with my day, not really seeing what was going on.  I’d rather feel this pain and shame than cause one more person to feel smaller than who they are because of my pride. 

So take my lesson and make it yours…make “go ahead” part of your encounters.

In Exodus 33 Moses asks to see God’s glory and God tells Moses that no one can see Him and live but that He will cover him with His hand, pass by him and then he will see His back parts.

Exodus 33:21-23 ²¹ Then the LORD said, “There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. ²² When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. ²³ Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back; but my face must not be seen.”

The twelve year old inside is snickering.  But onward…on the way home from Maryland, Scott listened to Rob Bell’s Velvet Elvis.  I read it I think a year or two ago now but I went ahead and listened for a few minutes.  One thing I can not get off my mind that I don’t even remember reading the first time is his commentary on this verse.  He was saying that some believe his “back parts” mean simply his back and yet others believe that he was saying the best we’ll ever see of Him is “where I just was”.

I can’t help but think that at some level that’s true.  One thing that most believers agree is that we’ve never seen God (the Father).  We don’t know what He looks like.  Some argue whether He even has a body.  We’ve never seen Him in action.  In fact, in the moments that I’ve felt and known God to be God the very most, it’s where He just was.  In my healing, He had already healed.  In a perfectly timed letter, He had already worked the timing together.  In my peace, He had already given it to me.  In a word from Scripture, He had already led me to it and given me understanding.  In a word through His Spirit, He had already spoken. In Christ’s birth, He had already fulfilled hundreds of prophecies.  The very best we get right now is where He just was.

It makes me wonder that if where He was puts me in such a state of awe, what it will be like to see Him working all of it together before He works it together.  How marvelous will it be to see how much He cares for us, how He works everything together for our good even before we realize it.

I’m thankful for Christ’s birth but mostly this year for pointing me to the Heavenly Father that loves me, is cheering for me, is in awe of me and is working everything together for my good.  If Christ’s life is the perfect example for us, I am more convinced than ever that He has a plan for us.   I may not be able to see His face but I know it’s there.  We’re not here by accident.  He’s thinking about us.  He’s moving and shifting things for us.  And when I see where He just was once more, I’ll be reminded I was covered by His hand.

If you’re in the area, you’re very welcome to one of North Rock Hill’s Christmas Eve services.

The people-pleaser and perfectionist in me does not want to post this. But alas, I feel like I should. I started it over a week ago and can’t seem to let it go.

Thursday I had my school dream.  After some initial research, I found it it basically either meant I didn’t feel like I lived up to someone’s expectations or that I had a challenge in my life that I was anxious about completing.

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It’s no secret that I’m a perfectionist.  I have a need to do everything the right way and do it to the best of my ability.  And sadly I fail.  A lot.  And this weekend I found out about a particular incident where I had failed big time a long time ago.  And I just couldn’t let it go.  Even after a conversation and apology.  I beat myself up over it.  Over and over again.  And then it brings up all the other ways I’ve failed.  And we already know I was having a pity party about my weight and even though I joined the gym, I gained weight the day after my first day.  And there were dishes undone in the kitchen.  The playroom was a mess.  I beat myself up over not spending enough quality time with the kids.  It’s just how my mind works.  I just can never, ever do enough.
I think I just know that God has big plans for me and I know Mom always just wanted the best for me and I just want so bad to live up to all that.  I don’t want to regret anything or miss anything.  But dear goodness, it’s exhausting especially since I fail so frequently at actually being perfect.

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Saturday night I had a headache and a big knot in my stomach.  I couldn’t go to sleep.  I waited until the house was quiet and knew I needed a moment with God.  Only He can bring my body and mind to peace.  So I went to sit in the living room and God said no, go lay face down in the middle of that mess in the playroom.  So I did.  And all I could say was I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry.  I’m sorry I fail.  I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.  And God, literally right in the middle of my mess, just spoke, “It’s ok not to be perfect. It’s ok, it’s ok, it’s ok.  I know you’re going to fail. You have no other way to go. It’s expected.  It’s ok not to be pefect.”  It was such a relief.  I just cried until I could not breathe.  It just struck me for maybe the first time that God knows we’re going to fail.  He isn’t surprised.  And He isn’t going to strike me dead when I do.  And it’s ok to fail and get back up and just move on.  No need to beat myself up over it.  It’s ok not to be perfect.

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I think God put me to sleep and woke me up whispering “It’s ok not to be perfect.” over and over.  Because in between, I’d try to convince myself in another way that I wasn’t and how it wasn’t ok.  How I’m supposed to be a Christian and I can’t mess up.  But He would interrupt before I could even finish my though.  “It’s ok not to be perfect.”

I’m not saying God says sin is ok because it’s not.  But I am saying it’s ok if we do.  Or even if it’s not a sin, just a stupid choice.  Because guess what?  God’s grace and mercy is big enough to handle it.  If we screw up, it’s ok.  He will use it for his glory and our benefit.  He is always working all things together for the good of those who love Him. He cares about our heart.  As long as we’re living for Him and trying, it’s ok not to be perfect.

Really.

It’s OK not to be perfect.

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The Sunday after I wrote this, our pastor talked about forgiveness.   Honestly I don’t have much of  a problem with unforgiveness.  But near the end, he said we have to forgive ourselves.  And it hit me like a ton of bricks.  For as many times that I feel like I’ve failed, I have to let it be ok.  I have to let myself off the hook.  I have to forgive myself.

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And then the next day I believe it was Amanda blogged her pastor’s sermon on the lineage of Christ and just how imperfect they were.  In fact, the whole Bible is made up of a lot of people that screwed and royally and yet were used by God.  The difference is they let themselves move past their mistakes.  They were forgiven and forgave themselves.

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Yesterday, Carlos blogged about a 30 day challenge to get physically, spiritually and relationally fit.  I’ve been working on the physical aspect but the spiritual one stood out.  For months, I’ve been wanting to join Beth Moore’s scripture memorization group.  And for some reason the first Scripture that jumped out that I should learn is Psalm 139: 14

I will praise You, I am fearfully and wonderfully made, all Your works are marvelous, and that my soul knows well.

This week I’ve almost gotten to the point I’ve been depressed just because of this imperfection and this verse spoke to me.  I know in my head that despite my imperfection He still loves me and doesn’t want me to dwell on it.  I remembered a suggestion Lysa Ter Keurst gave in her book Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl: Living the Faith after Bible Class Is Over that you should concentrate on each word of a verse, let it soak in .  So I pulled out the dictionaries and got a feel for the real meanings behind each word.

To start, I wondered what does that mean fearfully mae? Was He scared to make me?  Fearful He might not get it quite right? The transliteration is actually yare.  In the first entry, Strongs tells us it simply means to be fearful, be dreadful, be feared.   But this second one hit me hard:  to cause astonishment and awe, to be in awe of.  This whole time He’s been trying to tell me He delights in me (I don’t think I’ve blogged about this…it started back in August) and here it is again.  He was in awe. of. me. when He made me.  The last one hits even harder to inspire reverence  or godly fear or awe.  Can you just imagine?  I don’t know how God puts a person together. But at some point he decided I was going to have brown hair and brown eyes and freckles and long legs and that I’d love to read and hate when people lie. And when he put all that together and made me, He was in awe.  I just imagine me in His hands and Him looking at it in awe. His creation of me inspired awe.  He delights in us and it started from the very second He made us.  God is not just there for us to worship Him although this very verse talks of us praising Him but He is in awe of us.  And sometimes, my friends, we need that to soak in way down deep to the very crevices our souls, the marrow in our bones.  He is in awe of us.

Not only are we fearfully made, we are wonderfully made.  It’s simple to say that means that He called us good.  But it comes from palah meaning “to be distinct, be separated be distinguished”.  Do not every doubt He has set aside each of us. He puts us together uniquely.  There is a difference between each of us and not only that, we are separated from His other creations.

It says all his works are marvelous.  From pala, that means wonderful, surpassing, extraordinary, beyond one’s power , difficult to do or understand.  We are not chance.  Man’s creation is marvelous, just as all His works are.

And we know that don’t we?  We know that God’s works are marvelous.  We stand on a mountaintop and know that God made it.  That it was difficult.  That He must be in awe of that.  Why is it so hard for us to believe He is in awe of us like that? Don’t we realize he sits back and delights in us? That He calls us good and can’t wait to be in relationship with us?  Because the mountains?  They sure do look pretty but they weren’t made to be in relationship with Him.  And He made each and every one of us so unique and so special.  Enough to make Him in awe of us and He can’t wait to spend time with His creation.  So even when we don’t feel it.  Even when we feel imperfect.  Even when we feel sad, depressed and lonely.  He’s there.  Sitting back in awe of us.  Just waiting to tell us how much He loves us.  How special we are.  How unique we are.  How marvelous we are.

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And so after all that, I know I’m not perfect.  But I don’t have to dwell in that.  I am unique.  I am special.  I am marvelous.  So many before me were unique, special and marvelous and imperfect all at the same time.  And knowing that gives me hope.  Hope that when I’m not perfect that He can still use me.

It’s ok not to be perfect.