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I keep postponing posting because the thought of writing about all that was missed while I couldn’t post is overwhelming to me. So, I’m just going to go forward and maybe post a little about the past few weeks as I go.

I can say that the trip up north went well. Everyone got along well. A lot of people showed up for the viewing. The funeral was somewhat boring. The priest just read out of a book. He did say a few words, but they were Nana’s that she wanted to relay to the family. She said she wanted to say that Pap loved all the kids and always wanted to take care of them and that God would take care of them from now on. Pap’s youngest brother also got up to talk and told a few stories about his life with Pap. They were all good memories from his younger days that I had never heard. It was good to hear something good. I kind of made peace with Pap while we were gone. Pap dad 10 minutes after Mom and Dad got to the hospital. For someone to wait for someone else to die, that says a lot about how they feel about that person and for me, it was like an apology for what Pap had put Dad through. And that apology made me have a good last impression of him. So we’re ok.

The bad thing is Nana went in the hospital on Christmas Eve and got out on Sunday afternoon. That Sunday night was the viewing and she only went for 10 minutes before anyone got there. She never showed for the viewing and didn’t come to the funeral on Monday either. My aunt called her on the cell phone and let her listen to the bells at the gravesite but she said it upset her. But believe me, she wasn’t upset because of Pap. Well, maybe a little, but the real issue was her fear of facing the family. That’s really all my parents would tell me. As I’ve gotten older, my mom has let me in on some of the family secrets and my Nana isn’t the rosy cheeked grandmother I always thought she was. Not saying that she isn’t, but also there is other sides to her. She can be a little weird at times. Before Pap passed away, Nana was at the house by herself and she purposely took the phone off the hook. First of all, why wasn’t she at the hospital by Pap on his death bed and two, why in the world would she be at the house without a phone for someone to tell her that her husband had just passed away. Anyway, she has issues. And my grandparents had issues. In less than a week, she had moved out his recliner and put hers downstairs and had thrown out all of Pap’s clothes. She has plans to sell his truck and put in a bathroom. I am really glad for her though. She was oppressed for so many years, especially financially and I do hope good things for her. That she’ll take the last years she has and run with whatever opportunities she has.

So the sippy cup thing isn’t going as well as I had hoped. Scott got her to drink a whole cup of it. She usually only drinks 3 oz for me though. I threw in a bottle two nights ago to see if that’s what it really was and she took the whole thing. I wouldn’t really care, but the dr. said she needed at least 24 oz. a day.

Scott is only working one day this week and I’m back at work this week, so it is going to work out well I think. I love when he is home. I can get so many more things done. Oh and I like his company too 😉

We went to the grocery store today and I’m not sure if I’ve ever bought that much stuff. We had nothing at the house. Our top shelf in the fridge had Egg Nog and a pack of cheese on it. That’s it. We’ve been gone for so long and everything had expired or we had used it before we left. Now, we have nicely stocked cabinets which I didn’t let it go without acknowledging that a lot of people don’t have that and I’m grateful. I’m making tuna patties tonight and it doesn’t sound like much, but I love those things!

I keep postponing posting because the thought of writing about all that was missed while I couldn’t post is overwhelming to me. So, I’m just going to go forward and maybe post a little about the past few weeks as I go.

I can say that the trip up north went well. Everyone got along well. A lot of people showed up for the viewing. The funeral was somewhat boring. The priest just read out of a book. He did say a few words, but they were Nana’s that she wanted to relay to the family. She said she wanted to say that Pap loved all the kids and always wanted to take care of them and that God would take care of them from now on. Pap’s youngest brother also got up to talk and told a few stories about his life with Pap. They were all good memories from his younger days that I had never heard. It was good to hear something good. I kind of made peace with Pap while we were gone. Pap dad 10 minutes after Mom and Dad got to the hospital. For someone to wait for someone else to die, that says a lot about how they feel about that person and for me, it was like an apology for what Pap had put Dad through. And that apology made me have a good last impression of him. So we’re ok.

The bad thing is Nana went in the hospital on Christmas Eve and got out on Sunday afternoon. That Sunday night was the viewing and she only went for 10 minutes before anyone got there. She never showed for the viewing and didn’t come to the funeral on Monday either. My aunt called her on the cell phone and let her listen to the bells at the gravesite but she said it upset her. But believe me, she wasn’t upset because of Pap. Well, maybe a little, but the real issue was her fear of facing the family. That’s really all my parents would tell me. As I’ve gotten older, my mom has let me in on some of the family secrets and my Nana isn’t the rosy cheeked grandmother I always thought she was. Not saying that she isn’t, but also there is other sides to her. She can be a little weird at times. Before Pap passed away, Nana was at the house by herself and she purposely took the phone off the hook. First of all, why wasn’t she at the hospital by Pap on his death bed and two, why in the world would she be at the house without a phone for someone to tell her that her husband had just passed away. Anyway, she has issues. And my grandparents had issues. In less than a week, she had moved out his recliner and put hers downstairs and had thrown out all of Pap’s clothes. She has plans to sell his truck and put in a bathroom. I am really glad for her though. She was oppressed for so many years, especially financially and I do hope good things for her. That she’ll take the last years she has and run with whatever opportunities she has.

So the sippy cup thing isn’t going as well as I had hoped. Scott got her to drink a whole cup of it. She usually only drinks 3 oz for me though. I threw in a bottle two nights ago to see if that’s what it really was and she took the whole thing. I wouldn’t really care, but the dr. said she needed at least 24 oz. a day.

Scott is only working one day this week and I’m back at work this week, so it is going to work out well I think. I love when he is home. I can get so many more things done. Oh and I like his company too 😉

We went to the grocery store today and I’m not sure if I’ve ever bought that much stuff. We had nothing at the house. Our top shelf in the fridge had Egg Nog and a pack of cheese on it. That’s it. We’ve been gone for so long and everything had expired or we had used it before we left. Now, we have nicely stocked cabinets which I didn’t let it go without acknowledging that a lot of people don’t have that and I’m grateful. I’m making tuna patties tonight and it doesn’t sound like much, but I love those things!

My grandfather is now in his last days. The hospice nurse said 2-3 days in her experience. We are all scrambling to figure out our schedules for Christmas. The family has even talked about having the viewing Friday night and funeral Saturday. The strange part out of all of this is I am barely sad. If I am sad, it is because my grandfather and I have had almost no relationship in my life. He was abusive to my dad and his family and has never been extremely loving to me. Probably polite is what I would call his attitude. At times, he did seem somewhat talkative, but nothing like what a grandfather and granddaughter should feel toward each other. My mom and dad are planning to go up tomorrow morning. Scott has to work tomorrow and Christmas morning. Fst Sgt. let him off Thursday afternoon so we are going to leave right after lunch. Scott’s family is going to come in the morning and have lunch with us on Christmas. I feel terrible for pulling everyone out of sorts along with us, but like MIL said, some things can’t be helped. I feel most sad about my family that is sad. I feel almost like a friend of the family’s that is watching them lose a loved one. He is my grandfather and I do feel a certain connection to him. My middle name is named after him and we have the same toes, a discovery of our last visit there. That is about all I can find in common with him and that’s what makes me sad too. I wonder what Nana will do without him. She has never had to touch, or should I say was never allowed to, touch their money and I wonder how she’ll handle that when he’s gone. I wonder whether she will sell their house and move. I wonder how my youngest uncle will deal with this. I especially wonder how my dad will handle this. My dad did not speak until he was 4 years old because of the fear my grandfather had instilled in him. 4! Can you imagine? Little Emma is already talking (or trying to at 1). I can’t imagine the spot my dad is in being sad to see your father go, but a relief that someone who had treated you so badly in your childhood be gone. I have no idea if he feels that way, I can only imagine what is going through his mind. I wonder if my family has any idea the way I feel about him. My sister feels the exact same way I do. Detached. Unfeeling. I wonder if my cousins see and have heard what we have. I wonder if it should matter to me. If I am bitter or just realistic. Pap’s cancer has gotten so bad that he has a tumor growing in his stomach that has caused him to look 9 months pregnant. He is taking so much morphine he is “out of it”. He is not passing fluids because the cancer is in his lymphnodes. I can’t imagine the toxins in his body. He only has days left and I’m still sitting here in my living room while he is 400 miles away laying in a hospital. I do feel some comfort in the fact that my aunt’s husband and others have gotten a positive confirmation that he believes in Christ and believes he will go to heaven. I was quite torn about this whole thing, much less detached when I was worried of his spiritual condition, but now that I have a peace about this, I just feel like if it’s his time to go, then let him go. Because I for one am not sure I had him in the first place.

My grandfather is now in his last days. The hospice nurse said 2-3 days in her experience. We are all scrambling to figure out our schedules for Christmas. The family has even talked about having the viewing Friday night and funeral Saturday. The strange part out of all of this is I am barely sad. If I am sad, it is because my grandfather and I have had almost no relationship in my life. He was abusive to my dad and his family and has never been extremely loving to me. Probably polite is what I would call his attitude. At times, he did seem somewhat talkative, but nothing like what a grandfather and granddaughter should feel toward each other. My mom and dad are planning to go up tomorrow morning. Scott has to work tomorrow and Christmas morning. Fst Sgt. let him off Thursday afternoon so we are going to leave right after lunch. Scott’s family is going to come in the morning and have lunch with us on Christmas. I feel terrible for pulling everyone out of sorts along with us, but like MIL said, some things can’t be helped. I feel most sad about my family that is sad. I feel almost like a friend of the family’s that is watching them lose a loved one. He is my grandfather and I do feel a certain connection to him. My middle name is named after him and we have the same toes, a discovery of our last visit there. That is about all I can find in common with him and that’s what makes me sad too. I wonder what Nana will do without him. She has never had to touch, or should I say was never allowed to, touch their money and I wonder how she’ll handle that when he’s gone. I wonder whether she will sell their house and move. I wonder how my youngest uncle will deal with this. I especially wonder how my dad will handle this. My dad did not speak until he was 4 years old because of the fear my grandfather had instilled in him. 4! Can you imagine? Little Emma is already talking (or trying to at 1). I can’t imagine the spot my dad is in being sad to see your father go, but a relief that someone who had treated you so badly in your childhood be gone. I have no idea if he feels that way, I can only imagine what is going through his mind. I wonder if my family has any idea the way I feel about him. My sister feels the exact same way I do. Detached. Unfeeling. I wonder if my cousins see and have heard what we have. I wonder if it should matter to me. If I am bitter or just realistic. Pap’s cancer has gotten so bad that he has a tumor growing in his stomach that has caused him to look 9 months pregnant. He is taking so much morphine he is “out of it”. He is not passing fluids because the cancer is in his lymphnodes. I can’t imagine the toxins in his body. He only has days left and I’m still sitting here in my living room while he is 400 miles away laying in a hospital. I do feel some comfort in the fact that my aunt’s husband and others have gotten a positive confirmation that he believes in Christ and believes he will go to heaven. I was quite torn about this whole thing, much less detached when I was worried of his spiritual condition, but now that I have a peace about this, I just feel like if it’s his time to go, then let him go. Because I for one am not sure I had him in the first place.