Saturday evening got better after our company came. Emma was an angel with guests here. She sure does love people.
But I ended up exploding anyway. I just waited until late last night. I haven’t cried that hard in quite awhile. I know I’m stressed but I had something of a “quarter-life crisis”. I guess my main thing is just I’m not the same person I used to be. I know alot has happened in the past couple years and there’s no way I could be the same person, but there is just something different. I get irritated more easily. I snap at Scott and my family more easily. Sometimes I have to try to be nice. Rarely in my life have I had to try to be nice. In fact it was the exact opposite. I don’t know, on the outside I think in some ways no one can tell the difference but inside I feel differently. Scott and I discussed this and I do feel in some ways that Scott’s bad habits and attitude have rubbed off on me. He has a tendency to have a know-it-all, sarcastic and sometimes even mean attitude to certain people at times. He gets it from his dad and I don’t know how I can live with Scott if his attitude turns out like his father’s. His dad can be the nicest person and will do anything for you but his temper is on a short fuse and usually only with the people closest to him. A lot of times I feel like I need to leave their house just because I can’t stand the arguing and attitudes anymore. I feel like Scott and I are starting to turn into them. Today I just feel drained. Like I lost something as of yesterday. I guess admitting that a part of me is gone and now what am I left with? Someone that I certainly don’t want to be. I don’t think you could say I am nothing of what I was or am an entirely new person but I can see myself headed in the wrong direction. I hate that my patience is not what it used to be, that my anger comes faster, that my resentment is building. Even though I do see a lot of similar traits that Scott has, I certainly can’t blame him. I am responsible for my own actions. I do blame myself for not continuing to stay solid in my Christian life. I know that has a lot to do with it. We are really trusting God in the big things in our lives. We have looked to Him for direction in our jobs, family, this move. We still go to church every Sunday. But it’s that daily walk, the small things where I’m lacking. And I think it’s just a matter of surrounding myself with good things and good people and not letting Scott get away with a bad attitude. And maybe learning ways to calm myself down in a stressful situation. I have seriously considered counseling. I think I have personal issues beyond this that are affecting even our sex life. Scott ensures me that I don’t need it but sometimes I wonder if what I’m feeling is normal. I am sure all these feelings are just compounded because of the stressful week we are having.
We have been looking forward to moving back home before we even left, but a lot of times in the past week or so I have had a few reservations. Number one is the whole church thing. I love the church down here. I love that none of our family goes there, I love that not every one knows every one. I love our Sunday School. I like our Wednesday night meals. I just like it all. And our church back home, well, it’s like family to me but I just don’t know if it’s what we need right now. They did get a new pastor since we left and I guess we could see how it goes with him. But what gets me is when I mentioned this to Scott, he said he felt the same way. We both want to leave but are too scared to do it. Everyone at the church (foremost his parents) have looked forward to us moving back into town and they would be upset if we finally came back and then didn’t go to the church. I don’t know. I know I can’t live my life by what people think of me but I do have concerns for other people’s feelings. My other issue with moving back is being close to family again. I’ve talked to my mom about it some and she completely understands but I just can’t have that same conversation with MIL. The way I feel right now is that we are literally going to be bombarded with family all the time. All weekend will be spent with family, Mom and MIL will want to spend every lunch break at the house, our evenings will be spent at each parent’s house during the week for dinner. And really, what I’m describing is how our life used to be. Literally. We were never home because we were always with our family. I remember when Scott was in academy and we still lived there that I felt like a taxi service for Emma. I have told Scott and I mean it that I do not intend for things to be the same. We will have family time and some of that will be spent at our house. We are the ones with a small child, they can run themselves crazy all over town. See, I can feel the resentment there already and we’re not even there yet. I’m getting anxious about something that hasn’t happened. The thing I’m nervous about is how we set this time up short of saying Friday nights are our family time and I’m not going anywhere for lunch during the week. I don’t want to be a prick about it but I do want to have a little backbone this time around. But how oh how do you handle that carefully with the people that mean the most to you?? Do I even need to make a deal about it with them. Honestly, I think the things that need to change are me and Scott. Somehow, neither of us can say no. I think both of us need to learn that we do have a family now and we need to learn to make ourselves a priority too. Our family is of course going to take all we give them. We just need to change it on our end.
Alright, that’s enough guts spilled for now.
Jaynee says
My family is heavily involved in church and I would like to think that if I moved back to their area that they would like me to go to a church that I felt led to join as opposed to just joining theirs because I attended that church in the past. Your relationship with God is more important than your relationship with the people in the church – harsh, but true. Hopefully your families will understand that.
As for being bombarded by family, fortunately you had the heart to heart with your mom, which is the first step to help you keep your schedule clear! As for Scott’s mom, just don’t let old habits start up again – and let SCOTT be the one to tell her – not you. Just have him tell her that they are welcome to visit but that over the next few months you’ll need a lot of private time to get settled, sorted, and back to normal. And if they overstep their bounds, have Scott remind them of his desire for private time. Unless they are completely dense, they’ll figure it out eventually.