I want to blog about something great I made or wore or bought or read or something. Something besides all the things consuming my mind. I finally took a note from Aibileen in The Help and wrote down my prayer requests. It was a page long. And not wordy ones either. Just people or situations that are taking up headspace, many of which are not appropriate to blog about. I’ve met with at least 3 different friends this week for coffee. They save me from myself. I can’t live without those coffee dates and the $4 coffee is worth every single red cent to get some of that stuff out.
The one issue which I can talk about because it’s all about me is my job. I briefly mentioned Lexi’s break down about hating my job. I do think there were several factors that made it worse that particular night but I think some truth came out. And has since come out two more times since then. Bottom line is she’s having a really hard time with my new work schedule. And I am too.
I think this whole thing would be easier for them if I’d always worked away from home. I know many friends with children that work and know adults (including Scott) who had parents that worked and turned out fine. Better than fine. So I don’t think it’s working that’s so bad. It’s just this transition is really hard. For her entire little life she’s had me at home and now I’m not. I think the breakdown finally happened when it did because we had spent the first 2 weeks of summer on vacation and it wasn’t until the next 2 weeks I spent half the time in the office and she spent ALL DAY at home without me, sometimes not seeing me AT ALL until 5:15 that evening that she realized what was going on. When we started this deal in March, she was in school, saw me each morning and got filled up with love from her wonderful teacher and fun with friends all day. Now, it is very clear that I’m absent. And while Daddy is home with her when I’m gone, there’s just something about having your mother nearby. And my girls are such mommy girls that I think it’s especially hard.
Emma seems better with it. She seems to understand the concept that no work = no money = no Netflix, DirecTV,iphone, pool, movies, etc and etc. In fact, she admitted she LIKES my job for that reason (see yesterday’s post HA). And I guess Lexi isn’t willing to make that sacrifice. She has said very clearly on several occassions she wants me home and not working.
Everyone assures me that they will be fine. Well, to be honest, I don’t want them to be FINE. I want so much more than for them to be just FINE. I’m not looking to survive here, I want them to have the best possible chance they can get. And there’s the rub. If I quit, it’s going to be stressful and hard for us money-wise. Will I be a better mommy or worse without a job and money? If I’m home but we’re not doing much at all and the time I am home I’m constantly saying we can’t do things or get things and I’m stressed and irritable, am I really doing anyone any favors? Will they be just FINE that way too?
All I know is this has been a struggle since the day I started back from leave when I had Emma. I cried like a baby on my day back and follow my blog and you’ll see I’ve been wanting to quit since then. And yet, it’s been 8 years and I’m still holding on. Something has always stopped me from quitting. Greed maybe? Pride? Fear? Or divine guidance? I don’t know anymore. I really don’t know. And it’s upon my heart nearly every waking moment lately. I know, I know we will be FINE no matter what path I choose but right now I’m looking for BEST. What is God’s best for us right now particularly in the face of adding another child through adoption. Just typing that gives me heart palpitations.
I don’t know what to do. I just don’t. Please pray for us. And if you think the answer is clear…if you’re thinking “She just needs to quit” or maybe “She just needs to get over it, they really will be FINE” feel free to share that with me, by email if you feel necessary. I feel like I need some perspective, confirmation, something besides what’s in my head.