Trigger Warning: sexual abuse.
While we were in Palm Beach, we visited Barnes and Noble. I love the Christian section of the book store because it feels like my blog “friends’” jump out of my phone and onto the shelves.
I scan the authors and see so many familiar names…Jennie Allen, Justin and Trisha Davis, Steven Furtick, Jonathan Martin, Jen Hatmaker, Beth Moore, Angie Smith. I’m not really friends with any of them personally but after reading hundreds of tweets and blog posts from them, it feels like it at times. It makes my heart happy to see voices that I love online are also sitting on shelves for nonbloggers to pick up too.
As I scanned the shelves last week, I felt pulled towards a book by John Eldredge called Beautiful Outlaw. I’d never read any of his books but I knew many men had enjoyed Wild at Heart. The book’s subtitle is “Experiencing the playful, disruptive, extravagant personality of Jesus.”
I had brought Beth Moore’s 90 Days with Jesus study to Palm Beach and figured it would be a good companion read but it was more than that. I knew I was supposed to read that book.
And I did.
Friday evening there was a big storm in Palm Beach. We were inside but had the glass doors open as it poured. The lightning seemed to strike across the parking lot at times and the thunder reverberated loud over the nearby water. Scott was watching TV and I read my new book, trying not to move too much so my fresh sunburn wouldn’t sting.
I had already spent the morning in awe of God. The great expanse of the ocean always evokes such reverence and reading the first part of Beautiful Outlaw reminds you just how much you can experience God anywhere.
The storm seemed to only enforce thoughts of his mighty hand.
I came to a chapter near the end of Beautiful Outlaw called “Letting Jesus Be Himself – Encounters.” It detailed out some very specific encounters people had that were clearly experiences with God.
One in particular talked about a young man named David who had been experiencing depression. I wish I could just copy and paste the entire few pages but what happens is they pinpoint the root of his depression as shame. There had been an encounter with a teacher where he had agreed in his spirit that he was stupid and since then had never felt like he measured up.
John is describing his conversation with David and says he had David revisit the conversation and then talked about whether Jesus was there. David says Jesus was there, between him and the teacher and was facing David, as if shielding him. David was so relieved to know Jesus was there and cared. John asked him to renounce the agreement he was stupid and asked Jesus to take him out of the memory and to give him freedom.
He did and says John says David left his office that day “more hopeful, lighter, with a sense of drawing closer to Jesus than he had experienced for years.”
As I finished reading this, I bolted for the slippery tiled porch where the storm was just inches away and plopped down on a wet towel stretched across a plastic chair and cried.
I had a memory that I needed to return to and see where Jesus was.
I’m battling not sharing the full details but I sense that I need to.
I don’t have personal memories of what I’m going to describe. My mom told me about this when I was about 10 or 11. She said she had prayed that I wouldn’t remember it and I still cannot to this day recall any images from that time.
When I was just about 4 years old, I was with a male neighbor in our apartment complex and he asked me to pull my pants down for him. I apparently said no and bolted to my mom.
Even though technically “nothing happened”, I’d be lying if I said even just the thought of the question hasn’t affected me.
I learned in adoption training that children that are abused as babies may have no recollection of the abuse, but their bodies remember and the effects come out in different ways later on that lead them back to the abuse.
So I asked Jesus to take me back to that memory, or what I have constructed as that memory, and looked to see where he was.
At first, Jesus, was turned towards me and I was overcome with gratitude that he had protected me and given me wisdom and courage to run out of there. But then, Jesus was very clear that he was turning around and facing the man.
Since I don’t have memories, I don’t really know what happened but Jesus was speaking to my spirit that he was taking care of his consequences for me. I didn’t need to worry about whether the law was called or whether he felt bad or whether he ever thought of that time again or anything. Jesus was, and is, taking care of it. Of him. Of me.
I felt such overwhelming relief and peace. As I listened to the storm rage around me as tears flowed through my fingers, I could sense Jesus telling me the same power that was moving the storm could take care of it. Jesus had been there and was still there taking care of me.
Every time I recall that image now, Jesus is standing facing the man, blocking my view of him. He’s not moving, not wavering, not even glancing at me. He’s got it.
Jesus was there and even if in your situation something technically did happen, he was there and he hates it. He hates what happened to you. He’ll take care of you and can heal your heart if you let him.
Friends, this is why I love Jesus. Not because I’m scared of hell or because it’s the right thing to do. I love Jesus because he continually invades my life in a very personal way and fills in the gaps that not one other person can fill.
I write about this love because I’m desperate for others to know this freedom and peace. We do not have to live in our past with hurt and pain and defeat. Jesus came to give us victory. It’s not just about defeating death for salvation. The victories are for the very personal, the very specific, the very hidden hurts in our lives.
I don’t want to suggest that professional counseling may not be necessary. I’m no counselor or expert. Jesus just wants you to know that he revealed himself to me and can do the same for you.
Heather D says
Wow, this post made me think. I may have to check out that book. Thank you for sharing your heart!
Amy says
Would love to send you my copy if you want to read it. Email me your address amyjbennett@gmail.com
denise vick says
Amy, what a beautiful post. “I love Jesus because he continually invades my life in a very personal way…..”
That is so how I feel but could never put in words. Thank you for the words.
Amy says
A high compliment for a writer. Thank you so much and so glad we share those sentiments.
Missy says
What a powerful testament to how intimately he loves us and KNOWS us, right down to the memories we may have tucked away. And for us to be able to go back and see where he was “standing” at those painful times, is one more benefit of a relationship with Him. Safety. Always. Thank you for capturing, so beautifully, that aspect of our relationship with Jesus.
Missy recently posted…Just Do Something!
Amy says
Thanks so much for you, your support and all the sharing you did today.
Lynda Diana Pooser says
I love Jesus because he love’s me even
if I mess up. I need him now and always.
He is everything to me.The one I know I need.
So thank you Jesus for helping me keep my head
up. How awesome is our God?
Amy says
What a lovely reply. Thank you.
Denise says
What perfect timing for me. PTL that He laid this on your heart, as I am dealing w/my 11 year old daughter who had this and more happen when she was 3. She, unfortunately, has more memories of the surrounding events. I’ve been searching for helpful ways to bring Christ’s love, healing, and forgiveness to her. Thank you!
Amy says
I am so sorry to hear this happened to your daughter. Praying God brings healing to her and your family.
Katrina says
Really beautifully written and discussed . . . I’m proud of you for writing this. (Also, tacky to put it here, but I loved the Low Country Boil post too. :))
Katrina recently posted…It’s Gonna Be A Warm Night
Amy says
Definitely hard to put out there so I appreciate that you get that.
(I’m so glad you liked the Low Country Boil post. I’m not sure everyone appreciates just how good that is.)
Jill says
This post is very powerful. My mom used to have a neighbor babysit me who later turned out to be a peeping Tom. And she once came home and I was sleeping in just my underwear and he was rubbing my back. She has since questioned me often as to whether or not anything inappropriate ever happened with him and I have always answered truthfully. Nothing that I remember. This post makes me wonder if something did that I don’t remember. Thanks for sharing
Rachael Richards says
I recently had my pastors approach me about anxiety – something that has held me tightly for many, many years. Over the past 3 months – my anxiety has been suffocating. They came to my house and prayed with me, Mark felt that I had unforgiveness regarding something that happened to me. He asked me to pray and ask Jesus to show me where he was during this time. I couldn’t do it. The thought of Jesus being anywhere near what happened was sickening to me. Your post is incredibly comforting. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to approach this – but hearing your experience has been incredibly encouraging. Thanks.
Amy says
Rachel, so sorry that something happened to you. It truly breaks my heart.
I read two more blog posts this week that may speak to you.
http://storylineblog.com/2013/07/05/how-to-find-forgiveness-when-it-seems-impossible/
http://tsuzanneeller.com/2013/07/01/a-month-of-forgiving-forgiving-the-unthinkable/ (She has a book and series about unforgiveness as well)
I have found when I have a hard time forgiving that the easiest first step is to tell God I want to forgive because He wants me to but I can’t. He always has stepped in and changed my heart so I want to and then can. We bring whatever we have–anger, unforgiveness, bitterness–to him as is, not when we have it figured out.
I’ll be praying for you!!
Jo-Lynne Shane {Musings of a Housewife} says
“I love Jesus because he continually invades my life in a very personal way and fills in the gaps that not one other person can fill.”
I’m sure that someone needed to hear this today. Thanks for sharing your story and for the reminder this Sunday morning 🙂
Jo-Lynne Shane {Musings of a Housewife} recently posted…Braised Short Ribs
Amy says
You’re welcome 🙂