Joy and Doubt

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Happy Monday morning to you!  I hope you had a wonderful July 4th weekend if you are in The States.  I had a nice, restful weekend, but not too glamorous. We had a cookout and swimming party at our house with our family Friday for lunch.  Friday night the kids stayed with my in-laws and went to watch fireworks.  Scott had to work an extra shift Friday to manage the fireworks traffic in town. 

I stayed home Friday night and watched Ender’s Game.  It’s not really my type of movie, but I read the book last year and couldn’t not watch the movie. Scott hates sci-fi so it was actually a good chance to watch it. The book was much better, but Asa Butterfield is pretty much amazing.  They really couldn’t have cast that much better. I actually tried to go see The Fault in Our Stars but our theaters seemed to stop all their times after 4pm Friday so I couldn’t.  I guess my cry-fest will have to wait for another weekend.

So, if you haven’t seen Friday’s post, I need you to read our latest adoption update.  For those that have been praying, I so appreciate it.  I do feel God moving in my heart.  I was telling someone yesterday at church that I’ve been trying to strike this weird balance.  If this is really happening, then I want to be joyous and excited.  I don’t want to tamper that joy with any doubts. And yet, in the next 4 days, this round of the rollercoaster could end. I could be getting excited for nothing.  And so, doubts do come up.  I don’t want to look silly with too-high hopes.

I remember feeling these feelings in the early days of getting pregnant with Emma and Lexi.  I’m super duper excited, buuuttt what if something goes wrong?  I don’t know if it’s smart to try to protect my heart from disappointment or simply Satan’s way of stealing any sort of joy he can.

I do believe, though, that God has been confirming over and over that this could really be it.  Both Emma and Lexi are in a really good place with the idea.  I can see a thread of God preparing this for generations, even—I can’t wait until I can tell you all the details.  I’ve run into significant verses a few times just this weekend.  For example, I was journaling about the adoption and how God might be using this for redemption. I wrote:

What was meant for evil is being used for good.

Minutes later, I hopped over to my friend Cyndi’s blog because she posted some lyrics from Danny Gokey’s new song Hope in Front of Me which, if you know my history with Danny Gokey’s music, caught my eye. She says:

This past year, our family has been through a difficult year. But through it all I kept clinging to hope. I know that in the difficult times, God is our hope.

The verse that keeps coming to my mind is Genesis 50:20, You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. 

Some might call it superstition, but I know God is so attentive and in the details that I’m convinced moments like these are little God-winks.  Even if this doesn’t turn out to be a permanent situation, I do believe we’re walking through the right door.

And so, I ask again for prayer that God continues to reveal himself and that we have clarity and wisdom as we move forward.  I especially want to pray for this little boy.  We’re putting together a photo album of pictures of our house and family so he can start learning about us.  I can’t imagine what he’s going through as a system tells him who his new family is going to be.  He has so very little control over his own life that already has been hard. I know in his own way he must be trying to balance his own joy and doubts. I hope it’s all joy, though.  And, as our heavenly Father, I have a feeling God is hoping the same thing for all of us:

All joy, no doubts.

 

For those that need caught up with our adoption story, you can check out all my adoption posts here.