adoption

One Year of Adoption: Knowing and Loving a Son

August 7, 2015 by Amy Leave a Comment

August 7, 2014 and August 6, 2015

I walk out into the living room from our bedroom in the mountain condo. All three kids have jumbled together on the pull-out bed and couch even though the girls have a separate room to themselves to enjoy. They’ve all just woken up. Their eyes don’t swerve from the cartoons on the TV as I cross the room. Jacob is propped on his elbow with his head rested on Lexi’s bent knee.

I sit on the side of the bed and give Jacob a big hug and announce to the room, “Today is one year since we got Jac0b!” No one makes a move. I don’t think it’s that they don’t care, but that we’ve been celebrating every month on the 7th for 12 months straight.

I move out to the back deck in the cool air to watch the steady rain on the field behind us. I remember one year ago it was sunny and hot and we stand in front of a welcome sign on our garage with lots of hope and joy behind our smiles. The gray rain I watch from the deck seems fit for the anniversary. It’s not that there is no joy or hope anymore. It’s just this is the year that I found God in the storm.

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I heard Lysa TerKeurst talk about ministry yesterday and she said at some point, God will give you a blessing of growth, but a burden will come with it–it’s a two-edged sword. As she talks, I think of the verses that tell us when we are given much, much will be demanded.

Hannah Kallio teaches on her blog about blessing and how the orignial Hebrew word is a word picture of a rope being held between teeth and stretched and straightened. The blessing is that we are straightened, but the burden is in the stretching. I say it with full meaning that this year has been a blessing.

I read journal entries and posts from this time last year and I was just so excited to take this journey and just to know my son. I didn’t realize the price of a relationship. It costs to build trust. It costs to know each other. It costs to be able to speak to each other without saying a word.

We paid a hefty price, particularly in the first 4 months last year. When my flesh wanted to run from the conflict, I had to learn how to stay and work through it. When my flesh wanted to give up or spew out, I had to learn how to die to that and press on. When emotions overtook me, I had to learn to take those to the Lord and let Him carry my burden. And I only did that with the help of Jesus Christ. I learned what the verse his power his made perfect in my weakness meant. Only through the working of the Holy Spirit and the words of God the Father did I find strength and hope.

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But, oh, the blessing. I know my son now. I have earned his trust. I can speak to him without saying a word. I know what he likes to eat, what colors he likes, what he likes to wear, how he likes his pancakes, what scares him and what makes him laugh. He trusts me in the little things and the big things. He calls me Mommy and doesn’t stop when people are around.

I’ve learned that any relationship is built on a foundation of love, respect and trust. We have laid that groundwork this year.

More than that, my children have learned that this year. Where once there were tears and frustration, there is laughter and well, still frustration because, yeah, they’re siblings. They’ve learned what it looks like to follow in obedience even when sacrifice is required. They’ve learned that love is not always a feeling, but an action of faithfulness and service. But the fruit of that faithfulness is the feeling.

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Personally, God has used this year to discipline me, to guide me, to break me, to love me. Most importantly, I look at this past year and see God has taught me to abide with Him. God can use all sorts of circumstances to bring us to our knees in dependence on him. For some it is cancer, others it is divorce, perhaps some it is financial ruin or grief. God chose adoption for me.

I would not trade a single tear, frustration or smile for the relationship I have built with Jesus this year. He has become my one and only. It is no longer Jesus and something else. No longer Jesus and perfection. No longer Jesus and fear. No longer Jesus and entertainment. No longer Jesus and good works. Just Jesus. He is sufficient for me.

I have fallen in love with his word, with his presence, with his ways. My faith is strong. He is enough and my all. I do not want to go anywhere where His spirit does not go with me. And he is so faithful, He promises to never leave us or forsake us.

So, today I indeed take a moment in the midst of the mundane and celebrate the blessing and burden of this year. I celebrate with a gift of knowing and loving my son and His Son more.

One Year Since The Call

July 3, 2015 by Amy 2 Comments

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One year ago today I was working. It was the last day before the July 4th weekend. I was sitting on a conference call and I got a text from Scott that DSS had called. We’d been chosen as parents for a little boy. I remember the rush of emotions that tried to spill out in tears. Joy. Anticipation. Fear. Panic. Elation. Relief. This was it! The day we’d waited for for years.

In the following days and weeks, I began to see God at work. How he’d planned this for a long time. While it’s been so very, very good, it also was the start of the hardest year of my life.

July 3rd, 2014 was the beginning of a rebirth.

This adoption is not all about me, but it has birthed something new in me. And while I think it birthed something new in a lot of us, it’s not my place to write about those.

So, let me tell you from my perspective. This has been the hardest, longest, most joyful-filled, frustrating, hair-falling-out, tears-rolling-down, happiest year of my life. This year we’ve been pressed down and shaken, busy forming both a new family and new individual inner beings. We have been wrapped in a cocoon, old things being transformed into new things.

I’ve been doing a study with IF:Equip on the beatitudes and my friend Hannah has shared so much wisdom about what it really means to be blessed. She explains:

אשר, a Hebrew word that we translate “blessed” or “happy”, has at it’s core a picture of being held in the teeth, stretched, and straightened. Imagine what happens to a coiled rope if you pick it up, hold one end between your teeth and pull. All the kinks are straightened through pressure. That straightening under pressure is what Jesus meant when He said “blessed”.

We truly have been blessed. God’s been working out my inner kinks through the pressure.

So today, on the anniversary of that beginning, it feels like another new beginning, the cocoon is opening and we’re beginning to see the fruits of all the labor. So much work is to be done, and yet I cannot help to stop and celebrate how far we’ve come–the absolute blessing he has placed in our lives.

Last night at dinner I announced that today was one year since our call. Lexi jumped out of her seat and ran over to Jac0b, who also jumped out of his seat to run away from Lexi. Lexi eventually caught him and gave him a big hug which he returned. Emma jumped up and did the same.

An hour later they were all fighting over virtual space on Minecraft.

That’s how this year has been. Moments of joy and frustration rolling one after another.

Today I celebrate God’s plans, God’s wisdom, God’s discipline, God’s love, God’s power, God’s authority. All and only through God has this been possible. God gets every single ounce of the glory. I could not have done this year without him. He’s so good.

But we also glory in our sufferings,

because we know that

suffering produces perseverance;

perseverance, character;

and character, hope.

Romans 5:3

Easter 2015: Adoption, God’s Plans, and Our Identity

April 5, 2015 by Amy 2 Comments

My words have been mostly quiet here lately. I’ve sat down so many times to type out some words to you, but as I told someone recently, I feel as if God has frustrated my words. He has been whispering these past few months how he is doing something new. I don’t know if it’s so much of a circumstance or calling, but I feel newness deep inside. He is changing me. The words shared on Feathers are changing me. And it is today, on Easter when we are reminded of Jesus’s life, that I feel this new life the most.

He is indeed birthing something new in me. I am not sure I have the words for it yet, but it’s like a holy rumbling inside. I get the feeling it is new faith, a belief I’ve yet to experience. The more I walk in God’s path and let go more of my own, he replaces the empty spaces with Himself. Today doesn’t feel like a culmination of all his works, but perhaps a scenic pullover on this mountainous path.

I look back since last Easter and see that it isn’t just the deep in me that has changed, but our outside circumstances too. I sit here and write while I watch Jac0b play with the girls and Christ has never been more real to me. Do I need a Bible or an empty tomb to prove he is real? No, I have a little boy with blue eyes that tells me He’s real. It’s not to say I don’t love God’s word or believe in an empty tomb, but I just have this inkling that we can know that we know because of our experience with Him.

A third child was never in our plans. Our plans were for 2 kids, a dog and white picket fence. And then we started following his whispers, to be his hands and feet in this broken, broken world. We kept following the whispers until they were shouts. We couldn’t not adopt.

So we checked checkmarks and listened as friends told us we’d have a sandy haired boy. We doubted his call and waited and waited, and then, he was here. In the flesh. God’s call was no longer something written on paper or only of the soul, he was a little boy that moved in and took our last name. It is in this reality that I know Jesus was resurrected. This adoption was God’s idea, God’s path, God’s promise. All God. A dead God cannot do what He has done these past 5 years in our hearts and family. On our own, we would not have followed this path. But what a beautiful, redemptive path it has been.

Last week we finally received Jac0b’s new birth certificate. We applied for and received his new social security card. If you look at both, it is as if the old Jac0b did not exist. He is now, and forever more, a Bennett. And yet, his past is still there. We can’t forget it or don’t want to. We honor the path he walked. It is because of that path that we more wholeheartedly celebrate and embrace ourselves as a new family. I look at him in our picture and see a little boy that was rescued from an uncertain future. He may have felt forgotten at times, but God was very busy at work to place Him into our family.

In the same way, I understand our adoption as children in Christ more this Easter. We have a past and it has gotten us where we are, but now we are part of a new family. We have a new identity. Because of His death and resurrection, our names are written in a book of Life that says we are His. We can embrace our past, but also fully live in the freedom of our present because of our salvation from that past. We can rest because he has redeemed and adopted us.

At times it may feel like He has forgotten us, but He has not. He is working all things together. We just can’t see it yet.

I look at our picture from last year and ask myself if I would rather have skipped all the hard parts and go back to where we were. Without hesitation, I would do this a thousand times over. This Easter, I believe God more, I understand my identity in Christ more and because of God’s resurrected son, I love a son that I never knew I’d have. And man, he’s pretty adorable, isn’t he?

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Adoption: 7 Month Update

March 7, 2015 by Amy 3 Comments

Today marks 7 months with Jac0b. I’ve been trying all week to write an update. I don’t want to miss marking it, but I couldn’t find the right words. As it turns out, I didn’t have the words at all. Jac0b had just 8 words that sums up how things are going.

Last night the girls had friends over. I knew they would stay up late and I knew if I let Jac0b do the same, we’d have a rough day today. So I insisted he went to bed early. He wasn’t happy. I had to get my Mom-voice on.

After teeth brushing and more pleas to stay up, we eventually fell into bed. He’s usually pretty talkative at bed-time, but he was quiet. He’s fiddling with a few toys he keeps around his bed and for the first time and out of the blue he says, “Now it feels like you’re my real mom.”

That.

That is how it’s going. It’s all happening. It’s not easy and parts are messy, but we’re bonding. We’re becoming family.

My desire is not to replace anyone as a real anything, but I do want this relationship with him. I do want to be his mom and not just a caretaker. He’ll always have his birth mom and he’ll always have his foster mom, but for our 7 month anniversary, he gave me the gift of being his real, adoptive mom.

Feathers: 5 Days!

March 5, 2015 by Amy 1 Comment

Feathers release is 5 days away. I probably should be scared, but I’m not. I take that back, I shouldn’t be scared because the Lord is with me, but a version of Amy would have been scared. But, let me tell you, I have seen the Lord. I feel truly like I am standing on holy ground. God is so faithful, guys. Just so faithful.

Every single step of this I have been so clueless and so inept and yet, every time I brought my weakness to Him, He has guided me. I’m not saying this podcast is perfect and I don’t look like an idiot sometimes and the sound is perfect, but God is in it.

Let me give you a glimpse into just a few things that really feel like God-things to me right now.

First, the release date. It took me forever to even get a release date. I was waiting for it to be perfect and I think I said it in my last post, but I just got to the point where I just needed to be obedient and release it. I felt peace about March 10th, but I didn’t pick it strategically. I just felt like I could get it done by then. It just happens that it’s the month we are celebrating 7 months with Jacob home. If you need to know that significance, you need to read this post. Also, the date is on 3/10. 10-3=7. Yeah, I don’t consider those accidents.

Second, the choice of the first two episodes. I interviewed several guests and then really struggled on what order to release them. Some of them have similar tones or topics and I wanted to stretech it out. God kept leading me to two interviews and just today I began to see the significance. Their stories are tied together, not literally, but in their topics. Both stories include foreclosures of homes and between the two stories, God’s people are led and taken care of by His hand. You’ll see more of what I mean next week, but suffice it to say God is being clear that He can handle it all. We can trust Him with whatever he is leading us through.

Third, the Lord led me back to my journal to see when I began to think about podcasting. On December 10th I wrote, “So drawn to pdocasting, but about what and with whom? What could I talk about forever?” Y’all, I was so clueless what this would look like and He was so faithful to lead me through. And yes, I could talk about these God stories forever.

Fourth, it’s exactly 3 months from December 10th to March 10th. The 3 isn’t particularly significant that I can think of right now, but I love that it’s the same date.

And finally, the December 10th date is signifciant for me. I have felt for a long time that our adoption and in extension of that, our feather story and this podcast, is a redemption story in response to my emotional affair. December 10th just happens to be the date many years ago when things began to go all wrong. This is personal for me because back then I would say, “I feel like I could talk to you forever.” It’s hard to admit and I don’t like it, but God is so faithful and He’s redeeming those words. He has put a new story in my mouth and I will talk about HIM, the one true lover of my soul, forever.

He’s so good. He’s so good.

I don’t know what else to do, but just invite you into the stories. To invite you to know our God better. He just wants to be with you and love you and these stories will help you know him better.

My prayer right now is simply that He increases our faith. Whatever point we are in our journey with Him that He would just scoot us one step closer to Him and that we would trust Him and say yes no matter how he’s leading us.

I hope you’ll meet Him there.

5 days.

Adoption: Five Month Update

January 7, 2015 by Amy 1 Comment

I’m standing in our bedroom watching him jump on our trampoline outside the other day and I just keep thinking it happened, I really have a son. It happens again when I catch a glimpse of his bike lying on the front lawn with his friends’ or when I see his shoes by the couch. Sometimes when I catch his picture in a frame or am folding his laundry. It feels like many transitions in life where you can’t imagine life before it and yet, it feels like it happened yesterday.

Today marks 5 months since Jac0b came to live with us. Somewhere around 150 days.

I went back to work this week for the first time since before the court date. I got a few questions about how the holidays were with the family and how things were going. I only had to think for a second before I enthusisatically answered we were doing great. And I meant it. I’m telling you something special happened that day in court three weeks ago. Well, the obvious special thing happened, but some sort of invisible special switch was flipped.

Ever since that day our family has felt different. Settled. Stable. Confident. Loving. Even between the kids. Of course they have normal sibling fights and I get burned out on a long day, but there hasn’t been one break down, one hateful word, one threat to leave the family, one anything.

It’s just as I had hoped–we all know there’s no getting out of this now! And I say that with this best intent as possible. We’re family and no one can change that and that brings a peace I can’t explain.

I’m sure there are other factors in play, too. We went on our first road trip the evening after we went to court. Road trips are great bonding experiences. Well, if they don’t make you hate each other. Ours really couldn’t have gone better.

All five of us were also hunkered down together for nearly 2 weeks over the holidays. No school. No work. We had so much bonding time and it’s showing.

Lexi and Jac0b seemed to have particularly bonded well. More often than not, I find the two of them playing together now. It’s taken the full five months, but I think they’ve figured each other out. They remind me of two animals that were put in the same pen and they just had to figure out who was going to be Alpha (*cough* Lexi *cough*). Actually, she’s taken quite a maternal role with him and it’s really heartwarming to see. Actually, guys, it feels like a miracle and heartwearming doesn’t even begin to cover how good it feels to see them happy together.

We also reduced Jac0b’s ADHD medication over the holidays. I wouldn’t mention it except I really think it’s a contributing factor that can’t be ignored. He’s settling in and becoming more stable. Also, I believe the DORE program is helping.

I mentioned it in a previous post, but it feels so good to have all that under our belt and to start our family fresh with the new year.

Someone at work commented how well-timed it all seemed and I couldn’t agree more.

I suppose you could sum up this five month update saying that it feels like we’re finding that elusive new normal as “Bennett, Party of Five” and y’all, it feels good.

2014 Wrap-up

December 31, 2014 by Amy Leave a Comment

In case you need caught up, 2014 was epic. I couldn’t leave 2014 without a bird’s eye view of the entire year.

In January, we literally started the year off with a bang. I totaled our van. It should have been the first sign that the year was going to find a path of its own.

I also posted this Easy Cheesy Potato Soup recipe. I am still getting messages that it’s a winner in readers’ homes.

In February, I discussed the challenge to live the Gospel most to the people under your own roof.

I also talked about how we stick to the envelope budgeting system without cash.

In March, I broke down a Psalm describing 4 profiles of the redeemed of the Lord: the lost, the addicted, the rebellious and the worker.

Later that month, God used that post and the book Battlefield of the Mind to free me of my own addictions in Green Pastures.

In April, I shared 3 things I learned from a 5th grade talent show.

I took a bit of a blogging break in May, but posted one essay on how I came to terms with working out of the home. It’s my yes in my mess.

In June, I wrote one of the most popular posts of the year Three Ways to Dig Yourself Out of a Funk

We adopted in the summer so most of the rest of year were posts related to our adoption.

Most popular for July was the day we met Jac0b.

In August, you got to meet Jac0b.

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And then the famous Three Feathers story.

In September, I documented how I saw Love on the Move.

I also did a series on Eagle Feathers.

Day 1 of Eagle Feathers: Plucking the Bad Ones
Day 2 of Eagle Feathers: Parenting the Eaglets
Day 3 of Eagle Feathers: Facing the Storm
Day 4 of Eagle Feathers: Friends in the Valley
Day 5 of Eagle Feathers: The Cleansing

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In October, I shared a 10 and 12 week adoption update and shared how I saw the number 7 showing up everywhere. My sister also got married!

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In November, I shared about Jac0b’s yearbooks. Read Part 1 and Part 2.

In December, I talked about hearing Jac0b referring to me as “my Mom” for the first time.

And of course, I shared all the details on our finalization day.

There were many, many more posts for the year. If you aren’t caught up, I’ve made page for the Our Adoption Story and The Feather Story.

2014 certainly was a year of both trials and blessings. So thankful God was so close this year and I hope for more of the same in 2015. Happy New Year, friends!

14 Life-Changing Lessons from 2014

December 29, 2014 by Amy 2 Comments

As a year-end practice, I was reflecting on all I’ve learned from the year. I downright failed on my goals I set out for the year, but instead learned many emotional and spiritual lessons. Many platitudes I knew, but this year I learned. It’s the difference between knowing the stove burner is hot and learning how hot by touching it.

Although lessons are best learned by experience, value is added by learning from example too. So, in honor of 2014, I’m sharing the top 14 lessons I learned.

Waiting is a chance to show the most faith

Clearly, this is the year that the wait of our adoption ended. Huge. I knew while waiting that faith was important–to cling to His promises before they happened. But, seeing it all come to fruition this year was just amazing. I saw God really come through on what He said He would. And it made me want to wait well in all things, small or big. How much more faith does it take to say I believe God WILL come through for me than to see God DID come through for me? I want to live that kind of faith the rest of my life–knowing God will come through before he does and waiting well.

God is working all things together even when it doesn’t seem like it

Just to further the last lesson, I’ve learned just how much God is working even when it doesn’t seem like it. If I trace back what it took for us to adopt Jac0b and all the dates and all the desires, this was years and years in the making. Maybe generations, who knows. I’ve also seen it in my sister’s life with her marriage this year. God is working all things–ALL THINGS–together even when it doesn’t feel like it during the wait. I’ve learned to see even the bad things as opportunities for God to weave it into my story. What joy we can have in adversity when we learn this.

God is our comfort

I have learned this year more than any other what it feels like to need comfort and then to receive it. Truth be told, I haven’t gone through a lot of high-stress times in my life. 2014 was my year of stress and I figured out that God really did comfort me and in amazing ways. Going forward, I hope to attack stressful times with more courage knowing I have God to comfort me.

God still shows up in miraculous ways

Finding feathers this year was nothing short of miraculous to me. If I ever doubted it before, I will not again that God can show up in unique, miraculous ways.

Boundaries are essential to a healthy emotional life

I learned about emotional boundaries this year. I learned how to say no, carry my own weight and stand up for myself when needed. Maybe I’m still learning how to do, but I did learn they’re essential and this will downright revolutionize all your relationships–even if it’s just the mental gymnastics you go through.

Negative feelings should not be feared

For as long as I can remember, I’ve stuffed negative emotions, not willing to feel pain or cause someone else pain. It led to terrible perfectionistic qualities and a lack of joy. This year I learned negative feelings are not something to fear.

Counseling is hard, but revolutionary

I only ended up at one counseling session this year, but even that one changed so many things for me. I have plans to go to more in 2015, but it only took one this year to truly see how revolutionary it can be.

Logic and reason can be bondage

I’ve always taken my logic and reasoning skills as a positive, but I also learned it can lead to worry and indecision, stealing your joy and trapping you in cyclical thought-bondage. God gave us logic and reasoning skills as a gift, but as with anything, relying too much on it is not good.

We have control over negative thinking

First and foremost, I learned that God can free us from a negative mindset. But I also learned I can stop negative thinking by bossing my brain around. I do not have to meditate on negative thoughts.

Love is a choice, not a feeling

This year more than ever I learned that love is an action and a choice and not a feeling. We love our way into feelings, not the other way around.

Trust is earned, and not quickly

Our adoption has taught me so much about trust. I’ve been so lucky to have so many wonderful relationships in my life and have had very few relationships where trust was missing and then built again. I’ve learned this year trust is built in a bunch of small moments, perhaps a few big ones and it is not to be rushed. Going forward, I want to be trustworthy in the small and large things and know it will pay dividends, even if it’s in the long-run.

Stress can either do you in or lift you up

I saw first-hand the bad effects of stress this year. My hair fell out, my gums were inflamed, I had skin rashes, heartburn and weight gain. A lifetime of stress can kill you. I didn’t handle all the stress this year well all the time, but I did learn how to go to God with my issues daily. His comfort is downright necessary. In the stress, I found God and He carried me through.

Grief is a friend, and ignored, becomes an enemy

I had to grieve so many things this year–our old family, Jac0b’s old family, loss, Emma leaving elementary school, our kids changing schools, personal losses. But what I learned is grief is a gift if we let it be. It’s necessary to our emotional health and we have to let ourselves walk through the grief so we don’t get stuck.

Life moves fast and you can’t prepare

At the beginning of 2014 I made all sorts of goals with the knowledge that this year could be life-changing. It was in so many ways I expected, but then in others I did not at all. A wreck, a phone call, a meeting–life changes quickly and there’s rarely any way to prepare. And yet, here I am at the end so much for better for both the good and the bad. We may not be able to prepare but we can prosper.

I’m going into 2015 hopeful and encouraged that God is at work, He is with us through it all and no matter what surprises 2015 brings, He has used 2014 to equip me and will continue to do the same.