In yesterday’s post, I hinted at what I feel was a turning point this weekend. Scott swooped in on Saturday afternoon and saved the rest of the weekend. So much so that when he texted me later Saturday night and asked how it was going, I honestly told him very good.
I talk about what he did and then relate that to another quality of eagles.
As I sit here thinking on it, I remember as I was crying Saturday afternoon, Scott prayed over me. I believe that the Lord gave Scott that idea as an answer to his prayers–another picture of God covering us under his feathers. He provided exactly what we needed so we could cover our own little eaglets and provide them with the stability and consistency they need. He’s so good!
In a desert land he found him, in a barren and howling waste.
He shielded him and cared for him;
he guarded him as the apple of his eye,
like an eagle that stirs up its nest and hovers over its young,
that spreads its wings to catch them and carries them aloft.
The Lord alone led him.
Deut 32:10-12
I have been reading and following your posts about your journey with Jac0b and have considered writing many times. Today is the day and I wish to take a moment to share a bit of my journey, joy, and struggles in the hope that it may encourage you.
I understand completely the simultaneous joy and heartbreak that you are experiencing right now. Your story is a bit different than mine in that you have experienced motherhood with your biological children and have a bond and parenting experience that I will never realize. What we do have in common is love for a child (or children in my case) that have gone through traumatic childhood experiences requiring that they be placed within a new family.
If you are anything like me you had a vision of what your family would look like and how it would function after receiving your treasured child. Your heart was bursting with love for the child you had not met but had committed to in your heart. Prior to my husband and I fostering to adopt our twins all we had was an awful picture and a very generalized description from the social worker. These kids had gone through so much that we were told that we had to be 100% committed to adoption before we could even meet them. I was in love. My love and that of my husbands with Christ binding us together was going to heal every ache and hurt.
12 years later I can tell you that I have had to mentally and emotionally set my dreams aside of what my family would look like and live daily dependent upon Christ and His strength. Each day I am reminded anew to put my whole identity in Christ and to accept the reality that is my family. Day by day I slowly grow in my sanctification and work to seek peace and joy in my salvation in Christ.
My twin girls were so seriously abused that they will likely never live normal lives. They are 15 years old now and each day is tough. They both have Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and who can blame them….they were beaten, starved, and never shown love in their most crucial early developmental stages. They don’t trust because the people who created and gave birth to them were untrustworthy. Why should anyone else be different?
The rational part of me gets this and gets really mad on their behalf and then needs to seek forgiveness from my Lord for my thoughts. The more emotional part of me though struggles to love them and even to like them. I know how shocking that sounds! Every mom has prayers for their children but what I desire is a bit different from the norm. I pray:
That my children would have empathy.
That they would just once stop and think about how their actions affect others.
That they would experience just a wee bit of guilt now and then.
That they would not lie to me.
That I could wake up in the morning without wondering who is going to call me or send me a note about a problem with one of the twins.
That their love for their parents would be genuine.
I also share all of the hopes and dreams that every parent has with the greatest prayer of all being that my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ would call them to Himself. For this is the best and greatest hope.
I know what your thinking….I said earlier that I wanted to encourage you and I have painted a pretty bleak story so far. There is more bleakness…I have been under so much stress trying in general to love my children and frustration with myself over not always being successful that I have created some incredibly real physical symptoms that I daily struggle with. My husband has been diagnosed with leukemia. My husband, who is a pastor, was forced to reign his position in August and is ineligible for unemployment. Horrible, awful, bleak…..BUT….
Romans 8:
31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? 33 Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? 36 As it is written,
“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
My God loves me….
My God will daily provide….
God cares about my troubles and is there to guide me, lovingly correct me, and show me what true love looks like.
My God sent His one and only Son to die a horrible and painful debt to save me, a wicked woman with a sinful heart. He chose to adopt ME! I am not always loveable. I imagine that Christ’s list of His hearts prayers for me is much much longer than mine for my twins and yet He still loves me.
My twins were made in the image of Christ and no matter behaviors they may exhibit they have incredible value.
At the end of each day I can see the struggles but there are incredible moments that are filled with laughter and fun that generate a storehouse of great memories for me to cherish.
Would I do it again if I had the understanding then that I have now? Absolutely….and we did! On June 4th we adopted our first son who will turn 8 in December and our third daughter who turned 5 this past June. They also came to us through the foster care system.
There are a few things that I can guarantee you:
Hurt children will break your heart.
Hurt children will remove harmony in your home.
Hurt children will seek to recreate that which is familiar…a chaotic, angry home.
Hurt children will try to push you away over and over and over and will continuously push aggressively at their boundaries. Do you understand why? They truly do not love themselves and so they will push and push to prove to themselves that their theory is correct. If you don’t love them than they are right in their understanding of their lack of worth. This is why I have to daily seek Christ so that I can show my twins a love that is greater than myself.
Hurt children are worthy of all of the love that we can pour out upon them!
I have read blog after blog after blog written by adoptive parents. I generally find that everything seems to be perfect in their world. I believe that is a side effect of the fact that as believers we tend to feel that we aren’t doing something right if our lives are not well ordered and prettily packaged. There is also a rightful fear of judgement and condemnation. So very sad that we have to fear that from fellow believers. I say this to state that I appreciate your sharing not only your joys but also your personal struggles. Life within our sinful and fallen world is hard but God will never forsake His children.
God had reasons for making my husband and I infertile. He had reasons for calling us to adopt abused children. I have learned that the reasons are simple. I was created for one purpose, to worship God. If I were to have been given my dream family God would likely not have been a major part of it. I am selfish…I tend to only seek God in times of trouble. I learn my full and complete dependence upon Him during difficult times. Now I guarantee you that I constantly pray that I have learned my lesson but recently I have realized that I have needed to learn a second lesson and I am working daily to grow in this area as well. Gods got it! I can let the burden and worry down and relax a little. We will be okay as long as we seek Christ and to do His will.
Jac0b is Gods gift to you and you and your family are Gods gift to Jac0b.
Zoe, I can’t tell you what it means that you shared your story. The Lord led me to several chapters in Romans 8 this week, so I know he is trying to comfort me–we ARE more than conquerors. Blessings to you guys and thank you again so much for writing to me!