spiritual stuff

Working Mom Neurosis

June 25, 2013 by Amy 10 Comments

Two days after I posted The Summer Working Mom, we had a sitter come for the first time this summer to watch the girls. Scott was sleeping off his night at work and I was super busy with meetings.

We’ve done different things over the years during summer. For many years, my job was only 30 hours a week and I had very little meetings. I was able to make up work in the evenings after early bed times. Also, when the kids were younger, they still napped.

Some summers my mom and mother-in-law were both off one afternoon a week and would whisk them away. One summer we hired a middle-schooler to come hang out with them. Some summers we planned a lot of play dates at the house and they would play in their rooms or in the pool together for hours.

My job now is full-time and it’s changed in such a way that I could be in meetings on the phone for 6-8 hours straight. I don’t have the luxury of planning much work in the evenings.

The young lady we hired for this summer is 19. She’s super responsible and attentive and loves to play with them (not just watch them play) and can drive. The girls think it’s the best thing ever.

In fact, years later, they still talk about that middle-schooler coming to play with them and I’m sure they will do the same about this summer.

But let me share my neurosis about the whole situation.

When she came, it was fantastic to see her almost immediately grab a board game and take them to their room to play. They love board games and that’s something I definitely cannot do while I work.

Yay, this was the best idea ever. Look! They’re playing board games and not watching TV!

And then, guilt starts.

Oh my gosh, I’m the worst mother ever. They’re playing board games but it’s not with meeee! All their childhood memories will be with a sitter and not their mother.

Then, she takes them to the library and they pick out books to read.

Yay! They’re reading books–their teachers would be so proud. They’re going to have great memories of the sitter taking them to the library.

And then…

They’re going to go on Oprah one day and talk about how their mother never paid attention to them and they only remember me telling them to be quiet as I sat at my desk. Nevermind Oprah has been over for years. She’ll probably start the show again just to feature all their problems.

Then she swims with them–for hours. As I watch from my desk on my meeting, I can see they’re laughing and she’s doing flips with them and playing games.

What success! We got a great sitter who’s really giving them lots of attention–what more could I want?

Me. They could probably want more of me. All the other moms are at the pool with their kids. See? It’s right here on Twitter. I’m such a failure.

And on and on it goes. I continue to have an internal struggle about my kids, working and having a sitter. If I didn’t have one, they’d likely spend hours in the front of the TV. If I went into work, I’d hate not seeing them at all. So, I’m here where I see them all the time but then feel guilty about it all.

But the truth is, I know for a fact that I would not spend every single day playing board games, swimming and going to the library or the museum or whatever for hours on end. If I weren’t working, I’d be busy cleaning or organizing something or writing a blog post. I’d be doing something. Sure, there’d be more time with them but it’s not as if I’d do everything the sitter is doing.

And the fact is, they LOVE spending time with this sitter. I know they will talk about her for years to come and have great memories. I can only remember having a sitter a few times as a child and I don’t look back and say oh my gosh, my mother was such a failure. I can’t believe she wasn’t spending time with me. My thoughts are my mom had something to do and she got this great sitter for me and we had a ton of fun. Yay!

I’ve come to believe–thanks to my mom–that all this neurosis is just plain old unnecessary guilt. The Bible says Satan is out to steal, kill and destroy. He will do anything–anything–to steal my joy. Even when I have a successful job and kids that are having a blast, he is still trying to make me miserable about it all. And the thing is, no matter what situation I am in–working or not–he would do the same. It is his intent to make us unsatisfied and discontent with our job as mothers.

I believe, when I’m not being so neurotic, that there are none of us getting it “right”. It is not right to stay at home and it is not right to work. We are all called to our own place and only then are we getting it right. My job is to be sure of my call from God and then to be content with the calling and the outcome.

So, mothers, be certain I understood your neurosis. I live it, I breathe it, but I also do not accept it.

When the thoughts rage, I remind myself that I’m right where God has called me and He alone will complete the job He’s started in both me and my children. He knows what He’s doing and my job is to be content and trust Him. I remind myself to be thankful for my job, thankful for my kids, and thankful for a wonderful sitter. Gratefulness always kills the neurosis.

Moms, tell me I’m not alone. You struggle with thoughts like this too, right?

Summer Garden 2013 – 6 Week Update

May 24, 2013 by Amy 1 Comment

I was really beginning to think that last year’s garden was a fluke. Maybe just beginner’s luck. I am happy to report though that after 6 weeks (ish), the plants in the garden are in fact GROWING. Yahoo!!

Here are the beds the day we planted in mid April:

And here it is now:

We have been getting drenched with rain shower after rain shower here in the Carolinas and the garden has been literally soaking it up. It’s green and happy and I think everything has at least tripled in size, if not more.

The squash and cucumber plants all have blooms on them.

Green peppers have popped out which is much earlier than last year. I think my tomato plants last year overshadowed my pepper plants so I was sure to give it plenty of space this year.

The jalapenos have popped out too. I always think they are so adorable when they’re tiny like that.

This is our first grape tomato plan—the first one I’ve ever seen, actually–and that top right tomato turning red is our first tomato of the year.

I’ve found this particular tomato plant downright fascinating. The way the stems are holding the tomatoes, how each stem alternates, evenly space down to the tomato capping the end, to me just screams of its ultimate Creator.

I mean, how is it that one little tiny seed has all the information in it to know how to do that? How?? How does it know what leaves to have and how to align these stems and how to make these oval shaped tomatoes that turn to red with so many nutrients inside? I just can’t get over it.

Insert dumb-founded picture of me here because that’s how I feel. I keep walking out and looking at this little bunch of tomatoes in complete awe. If there ever was a time I’d call God awesome, this would be one of them.

Talk to me about your garden if you planted one or your favorite vegetable to eat in the summer.

If You Don’t Give Me Cheetos

May 23, 2013 by Amy 9 Comments

Today you get to read a fabulous guest post from my friend Katrina. Katrina is a blog friend turned in real life friend. We’ve been able to get together a few times locally, we drove to see Emily Freeman speak and she let me cry on her shoulder at Allume last year.

Katrina has a fantastic sense of sarcasm, is a deep thinker and loves the Lord. Just my kind of person. I hope you’ll visit Katrina over at her blog. Be sure to check out her Provision Stories just after you read and comment on this one! Here’s Katrina:

Amy may have introduced this as a “guest post,” but I’m not going to kid you. I’m totally hiding out over here because I need a place to confess. You see, my blog has a bit of a reputation for talking about real food, so it’s just not a safe place to use the word “Cheetos.” I have something to get off my chest, so I begged her to invite me over.

I have a daughter. She is three and three-quarter years old. She is a diva. Strong-willed. Spoiled. Adorable. Bratty. Darling. A Control Freak. Innocent. Devilish. Angelic. Beastly. You probably know a kid like this. She loves Cheetos. She is like a moth to a flame with Cheetos. Every time we eat at Subway (here I duck down to avoid the scowls of my readers who cannot bear to learn that I darken the door of such an establishment, much less feed her food that Satan feeds his spawn), she runs to the chip display and performs a jack-in-the-box like spastic thrown-down. CHEETOS!! CHEETOS! CHEETOS!!

Since, we do not buy this kind of food at home, I let her eat Cheetos at Subway as a treat. However, last week, I made the mistake of taking all three of my luverlies to the Harris Teeter to pick up a few items. Normally, I know better than to take three snacky shorties shopping, but apparently, I was feeling extremely stupid. Thus I found myself on the “pretzel aisle” being accosted by my three tinies with ginormous brown eyes and pleading voices. They promised that if I bought them Cheetos that they’d stop pulling the shopping cart back and forth like a jerky roller coaster. Additionally, they would be good for the rest of their lives, AND they would love me forever. Well, as I stated, I was feeling extremely stupid, so like an idiot, I bought the Cheetos. (PS: Judge not. Lest you shall be judged.)

The Cheetos came home to our house. They moved into the cupboard and lived just downshelf from all my organic grains and healthy nuts, etc. With their crunchy fried, GMO laden, excitotoxin filled puff, they sang their neon orange powdery siren-song to my babies. Especially to my little three-year old.

After I picked her up from pre-school last week, where she’d had a few Cheetos in her lunch, she badgered me relentlessly all the way home for more. I refused. (I was feeling slightly less stupid.) However, unlike my older two mild-mannered, easy going, relatively compliant children, this girl does not take no for an answer.

If you don’t give me Cheetos, I’m not going to eat anything else.

Okay, honey

If you don’t give me Cheetos, I’m not going to play with you.

Alright.

If you don’t give me Cheetos, I’m not going to stay with you.

I’m very sorry to hear that.

If you don’t give me Cheetos, I’m going in my room and I’ll never see you ever again.

I will really miss you.

This went on for the entire ride home and then she followed me around the house, threatening me with all the terribly things she would do to me as punishment for withholding Cheetos from her.

Eventually, I went to hide in the bathroom. (PS: Judge not. In fact, judge never. I’m pretty sure that judging my friends with strong willed kids is what prompted the Lord to send me this little Princess.)

Anywho, when I came out, she was standing outside the door, hands on her hips. She said firmly, “If you don’t give me Cheetos, I’m gonna hit you in the face.” Y’all. I burst out laughing. It couldn’t be helped. I clasped my hand over my face as quickly as I could, but she knew I thought it was funny. And she started laughing too. And I did not give her Cheetos. (Or the spank that my husband insisted she should have gotten.)

_______________________________________________________________

Okay, there is probably a couple good lessons that I could extract from the aforementioned parenting debacle pertaining to child nutrition, discipline, and/or standing up to Meter-high bullies, but I’m gonna go a different way because, as is plainly obvious, I’m no expert in those categories.

Remember in 1 Samuel 8 when the Israelites begged and begged and begged and begged and begged for a king? The Lord told them ALL the reasons that a king would be a bad idea, but they were relentless. So He gave them their choice. He allowed them to have what they wanted–even though it was inferior to His best plan.

When they rejected God as King, He gave them what they wanted because they persistently asked for it. I wish I was making this up, but if you go read it, you will see that it’s true.

I don’t know all of God’s motives, but I speculate that he knew they would experience the consequences of having a human king. Boy howdy, did they ever. Like war, split kingdom, exile, slavery, devastation. (Read the rest of the Bible for more info on this.)

Now mind you, He didn’t abandon them. In fact, He actually chose and anointed human kings for them, but that wasn’t His first plan for them. He Himself was. We are told in churchy settings that we will always be given God’s best, but I don’t think that is what Scripture actually demonstrates. Thanks to free-will, we can ask for second-best, or even worse. Girlfriends, that is scary. It is scary because when God doesn’t answer the way I want, I just get all super-mature. Even though I’m ashamed to admit it, I start playing this crazy pre-schooler game. I tell myself that I’m “waiting on the Lord,” but this is what I’m doing.

If you don’t give me what I want, I’m not going to spend time with you.

If you don’t give me what I want, I’m not going to serve you.

If you don’t give me what I want, I’m not going to worship you.

If you don’t give me what I want, I’m going to be complacent about you.

If you don’t give me what I want, I’m not going to trust you.

My little exchange with my daughter brought to light how ridiculous it is to think that I can manipulate God’s will with threats and blackmail. Worse, I realized He may just GIVE ME WHAT I WANT–not because he’s stupid, exhausted, or beaten down like human-me, but because He knows I need to experience some consequences for my immaturity.

Then, triumphantly, face covered in toxic orange powder, I skip off with my less-than-best, thinking that God finally came through because I shook my tiny fist at Him. Meanwhile, I wonder why I lack His power in my life.

My lesson is that I need to learn between persistence and stubbornness. When the Lord says no to me, time and again, rather than behaving like a petulant child, I want to be willing to say, “I will trust you.” I want to ask for HIS WILL, not my own. I want to receive what He actually gives me with thanksgiving, not grumpiness.

How can you tell the difference between persistence and stubbornness in your heart? Has God ever allowed you to have the second-best? How was it?

Katrina Ryder is married to an elementary school music teacher and is the mom of three Cheeto-eaters. Formerly a high school teacher and missionary in Papua New Guinea, she now stays home in small town NC, gives herself pedicures, and eats bon-bons. Bwah-ha-hahaha. Katrina, who never avoids sarcasm, is a reluctant real foodie who blogs about faith, finances, food, and family. In it’s third year, Katrina’s blog has suffered an identity crisis and changed names from The Poorganic Life to KatrinaRyder.com. Katrina loves Jesus, missions, hip-hop dance, gardening, country music, Henry James novels, talking too much, wearing makeup, and eating crusty bread. You can connect with Katrina mostly on Facebook, reluctantly on Twitter, and almost never on Pinterest.

A Lesson from Parenthood: Cleaning up Craft Time

May 13, 2013 by Amy 4 Comments

Now that Mother’s Day is over this year, I’m totally confessing: when my kids aren’t home, I throw away their handmade crafts.

I know, the kids would take away the flowers and cards from Mother’s Day if they knew.

But really, I just know if you’re a mom, you do this too. There’s no organization system on Pinterest that could keep up.

Your kids spend hours with paper, scissors and glue and if you’re a really nice mom, glitter, and produce something…sparkly. It really is of no practical or even decorative use but it was a great creative moment.

But then, it’s time to clean up.

You ask if you can throw it away and they’re all NO, I love that random paper plate with all the glitter on it.

I get it, I suppose. They spent a lot of creative and physical energy on it so it’s hard to give up.

And what about all the kids meal toys they’re collecting?

Can I throw away this 3” cow from Chick-fil-a because you have like 14 others?

No, do not throw it away, Mom! I got that from Chick-fil-a. I neeed it.

Really, children?

You’re not THAT mean of a mom so you don’t throw it away in front of them. But we all know–they don’t need any of it.

So, if you’re like me, you wait until they’re out of the house. You gather all the glittered paper and 3” cow. You walk out to your dumpster and and hide them at the bottom, being careful to cover up the evidence in case they take out the trash and find it. You do this don’t you? Don’t YOU??

If you’re not doing this, you totally should.

The other day it was one of those days. I found myself alone and in prime-time for clearing out.

I grabbed a garbage bag and went to town. I finished up and headed out to the dumpster.

On the way through the kitchen to the garage, God whispered. He said sometimes he clears out stuff His children don’t need too.

It’s the things that you want so bad—those things you feel like you neeed. Many times we want to hold on to that thing because we’ve invested a lot of time or energy into it. We just can’t imagine it not being a part of our lives.

But he knows you really don’t need them and you’re better off without them. Sure, they’re probably sparkly—perhaps they’re beautiful or they look fun from the outside but He knows they lead to nowhere.

Or maybe, they were just fine in the moment and served its purpose but we’ve let it stay around too long.

I can think back to times God has done this to me with a person, a TV show, a book, or even food. It’s hurt in the moment to watch it go but in the end, my life is better.

I’ve come to realize God isn’t ok with letting us settle for junk.

He moves us to a place of letting go and throwing away. We might kick and scream when we figure out what he’s doing but in the end, we’re better off.

Has God ever pruned something from your life like that? Does He need to?

7 Ways to Recover From a Busy Season

May 6, 2013 by Amy 2 Comments

I’ve been in total recovery mode the past few days. Preparing and selling the eBook bundle (it’s over now!) totally wiped any excess creativity and energy I had. Let’s not even get to the daily life and work life that can zap your energy in a heartbeat.

Not all of us are wired the same so we won’t recover the same but I thought I’d share some of the ways I recover from a busy season.

iPhone scenes from the weekend

Take a Nap

I know this is a no-brainer that you should take a nap when you’re tired. However, busy moms have a really hard time actually doing the thing.

I often get massive mommy guilt that I’m taking hours away from my kids for purely selfish reasons. But listen, resting up is the very best thing you can do for your kids. You’re less irritable, more energetic and make a better mommy when you can rest.

I napped last Sunday while Scott and the kids were home and then took an hour to lie down at my Mom’s this Sunday. I’m better for it.

Take Time Off

I took the afternoon off from work this past Friday. No big plans, just a much-needed break from expectations and more brain power. I shirked any great expectations to clean or organize this weekend. Sure, we did the basics, but it wasn’t the time to conquer that to-do list.

I also let go of making dinners this weekend. We either ate leftovers, sandwiches or went out.

Get Outside

While there’s a time to stay in and sleep, there’s a time to get out too! Friday afternoon we went strawberry picking with the kids.

Friday evening I got out for some coffee with my friend Dani.

Saturday we got out a bit for our town’s spring festival. While it was chilly, it was good even for a few minutes to just get out and see some people.

Fresh air and happy people will do wonders.

Meet a Friend

I mentioned getting out for coffee Friday night. I’ve talked about it so many times on this site, but talking with a friend is one of the number 1 ways I de-stress and relax. I cannot stress enough how important it is to talk to someone when you’re feeling down or stressed.

The coffee doesn’t hurt either.

Read Some Fiction

I don’t know about you, but reading fiction is one of the most relaxing ways to rest. Reading requires zero physical effort (ok, you have turn the page somehow) and your mind can wander to a different world.

I’m currently reading through Glamorous Illusions.

Learn Something New

While I don’t recommend learning something new before you’ve had that nap and taken time off, I would recommend finding something new to learn once you’re on the up-swing.

I enrolled in Shoot Fly Shoot’s Photography 102 this weekend and spent some time lounging around watching the videos (photo above of me watching the videos on my iPad while playing with Bella). The rest was good but it was energizing to learn something new.

For those that bought the eBook bundle, you have a whole library from which to learn!

Renew Your Spirit

God gives us the ultimate rest. His yoke is light. Give your cares to him and fill yourself with his word. Even when our bodies are rested, our souls can be at war and this step is a must if we truly want to feel energized again.

One of my favorite parts of my week each week is attending church and it feels me to full every time worshipping and learning with my church family.

After a few days of relaxation, I’m feeling energized and ready to tackle my week. I hope you had a restful weekend yourself!

What do YOU do to unwind? Tell me in the comments.

Just Outside the Circle

April 18, 2013 by Amy 27 Comments

A topic has been rumbling around way down deep for months now. I keep pushing off writing about it. It’s the raw stuff. The vulnerable details. The things that might make some people reading a tad uncomfortable.

This one is super long but worth unearthing.

Not Belonging

image credit

In many small ways throughout my life, I have felt I didn’t belong.

Don’t get me wrong, I have an amazing family, both immediate and extended. Nothing was glaringly wrong. No one pushed me in a corner.

But along the way, there have been many times I felt just outside of some imaginary circle.

Let me give you some examples.

I was born in Maryland and my immediate family moved to the Carolinas when I was just three. For the rest of my life, I’ve always lived 8 hours away from my extended family. We would make the trek north at least twice a year for the rest of my life, even until now. My family is awesome. Truly awesome. I love every single person and there were only hugs and happiness when we returned. No one made me feel left out. But I did sometimes.

We were the family that lived in the south and the rest of them lived within miles of one another in the north.

When I was 7, my family moved from one town to another. While I did not want to move, I admit the transition was pretty smooth after we moved.

But still, I always had this nagging sense that all the kids had had a few years of bonding time that I didn’t.

In middle school and into high school, I had an awesome best friend and a great smaller circle of friends. I never, ever lacked friendship and for that I’m so thankful.

But I was in honors classes and many of “the cool kids” were in classes with me. Except I wasn’t in their group. Always with them but never part of them. Sure, they were nice to me. I never was made fun of or ostracized. They just weren’t my crew and I admit I always felt a little left out that they weren’t.

As a teenager, we traveled outside our town 30 minutes to a church in Charlotte. The youth group was large and we were heavily involved. I had good friends, even had a few boyfriends along the way. No one ever made me feel left out.

But still, there was only a handful of us that were from our out-of-state-suburb of Charlotte. I had little clue what students were talking about when they mentioned what schools they went to. I hardly knew road names or neighborhoods. While I look back with great fondness on my time there, I admit there were many times that I felt like an outsider coming to the group.

We attended Scott’s church when we were first married and I was the outsider coming in.

In college, I stayed off campus so I was always the one driving in and not really a part of the entire campus life.

Even at our church now, at times I’ve felt like the new kids coming in.

I don’t hold ANYONE responsible for the situations I was in or the feelings I had. They just were.

Not Just Me

I’m sure you’ve felt this before right? Just outside the circle?

Maybe you felt the same in high school.

Maybe now your friends all work and you stay at home.

Or, you’re just sure you’re missing out on all the cool birthday parties for your kids.

Or, everyone is having coffee in small groups that you’re not.

Or, you’re sure everyone else is in some Facebook blogging group you’re not.

The Lies

We all have an innate need to belong.

I was listening to a TED talk recently by Brene Brown and she talks about how a lack of belonging is at the root of shame and unworthiness.

I’ll tell you what. I had a light bulb moment.

These ideas that I don’t belong? Stink of lies from Satan.

All of those places where I questioned my belonging the most, were the most important, impactful relationships and circles.

My family.

My high school.

My university.

My church.

Looking back now, I truly believe these were Satan’s attempt to distract me, depress me and lead me into a less-than life.

Thankfully, I was spared any deep depression but how many interactions and relationships did I miss? How many hours did I spend second-guessing myself?

The Truth

As I look back now, I can see the bigger picture–the truth.

Now that we live in the same town as my husband’s extended family, I see that months, sometimes years, go by when we don’t see some of his family. Just because you’re within driving distance doesn’t magically give you a close relationship. I definitely belong and am close to my family even if they are hours away.

Even my kids that have been at the same school their whole lives go into every year only knowing 1, maybe 2 people in their class.

Everyone in high school feels left out at some point. Or more likely, at a lot of points. We were all just surviving the best we could.

No one in college has a standard experience I missed out on. Some lived on campus, some lived in apartments, others lived with parents, some lived with sororities. It was all different and living at home was just my experience.

Everyone came from all over the Charlotte area to youth group.

Not every single person, at any church I attended, were all “originals.” We all had our stories of how we got to the church. Even if they were, that didn’t mean they belonged more.

When I look now, I see myself not as an outsider, but a unique individual coming to the group–someone who brought a different experience and personality.

Oh, how I wish I had understood this to the full so many years ago.

I think it’s a total lie of Satan to tell us that we shouldn’t be there, that we aren’t deserving, that we don’t belong.

I’m no counselor or expert but I know so many people are dealing with depression and anxiety. Suicides continue. How many times is that related to feelings of isolation and lack of belonging—even if it isn’t true? I’d wager quite a few.

The truth is God puts us in certain places and then gives us certain people for certain seasons of life and he needs us in those places for the very reason that we’re different.

The truth is we aren’t the outsider destined to sit outside some circle. We just might have what it takes to be the missing piece to finish the puzzle.

The truth is there likely isn’t some secret inner circle and even if there is, we’re deserving of it–ALL of us are. We just might not be meant for that circle.

Sometimes we all just need to adjust the lens a bit on our situations and see the truth for the truth.

Give it a try—think back to some times you felt like you didn’t belong and try a new lens on.

Who was right in front of you trying to include you that you missed out on because you kept looking at that group over there?

What did you bring to the table that made you included because you’re unique, not an outsider because you’re different?

What was just a flat-out lie that you didn’t belong but you really did?

I want us all to learn to appreciate what’s right in front of us—to know we belong and are loved right where we are. All these feelings are just plain lies meant to steal the joy of now.

I can promise you this: you belong here. I pray for you. I write for you. I think about you all the time. You’re my here. You’re my now. And I’m so glad.

Have you ever felt outside the circle? How do you deal with these feelings?

I Don’t Want to Be Fat

April 11, 2013 by Amy 4 Comments

I was talking with a few friends this week about what I feel God is doing in my life and with my writing right now. As I talked about my growth plan on Tuesday, I really feel like God has me in a growing and learning season right now.

I told my friend Dani last night, though, I was worried I’d become one of those fat Christians—you know, the ones that know everything in their heads but then don’t do anything with it?

They sit on the proverbial couches, stuffed to the gills with the stories and the commandments and the original Greek words, but it doesn’t mean anything because their faith isn’t moved off the couch to action.

This morning, I ran into this tweet first thing:

It confirmed the warning I had felt in my heart—there’s a real chance all this learning never goes anywhere and what’s the point of that?

Shortly after reading that tweet, I had to go to the office today so I left up a tab with this video from Francis Chan posted on Facebook that supposedly played on Fox News last week—at least that’s what Facebook said and you KNOW everything on Facebook is true (KIDDING–but I do think it’s true).

Again, another confirmation of doing not just knowing.

While I do feel it’s a warning, even as I type this I feel the Spirit saying though, that we have to KNOW BEFORE we can DO.

On the opposite spectrum of the “fat Christians” are so many of us that are Scripturally illiterate. We do need these seasons of growing so we know Jesus and his ways. Knowing his ways leads to knowing and doing his will.

If you didn’t catch Stephen Furtick’s sermon “The Only Way to Know God’s Will” on that this week, it’s a must-watch. Will totally revolutionize your outlook on God’s will.

All that to say I’m treading carefully—and I think we all should—in seasons of growing and learning. Don’t just learn for learning’s sake and get fat. Learn it all and then work it out—or off, as it were.

9 Rules My Daughters Taught Me About Modesty

March 25, 2013 by Amy 32 Comments

I got an email from my friend the other day regarding a post she’d seen on women and modesty. After some conversation, she asked me how I handled the topic of modesty with my girls.

I answered that we’ve talked about modesty as we’ve gone along.

Foundation of Modesty

When they were younger, we’d run into the Barbie Basics collection at Target. Most of the girls are dressed even more inappropriately than a normal Barbie and I’d just calmly explain that I didn’t think they were dressed appropriately and I wasn’t going to spend my money on them.

As they’ve dressed, I’ve tried to guide them as we go. Those shorts are too short, you need a tank under that shirt or those pants are too tight.

Just this weekend we were watching an awards show and one girl was showing too much cleavage and Scott piped up that her dress was inappropriate.

My girls know the phrase that’s inappropriate.

The email got me thinking though. What have I taught my girls about modesty? Sure, I’ve given them rules but have I explained why it’s important?

Learning the Why

I read this post by Lysa TerKeurst the other day about how she taught her kids about texting and driving by getting them to teach her and her husband about the perils of texting and driving.

My girls are only 8 and 10 so that might seem too young to A, get them to make a presentation or B, have them reporting on modesty. But let me say. My girls can work Powerpoint almost as well as I can. And, if this news about Victoria’s Secret new undergarment line geared towards middle schoolers is any indication, I need to be teaching my girls about modesty. Pronto.

The Immodest Modesty Plan

So I had an idea.

I wanted to sit down with verses to explain the why and then see if they could report on some rules about modesty.

I was planning to somehow carefully cut pictures from magazines or Google pictures and let them sort through them and report back, but that just felt like a loaded gun.

And then it hit me.

I was going to dress up in (somewhat) immodest outfits and they were going to A-gag, B-tell me what was wrong and C-make a rule for how to dress that fixed it.

The Modesty Why

I had them read 1 Timothy 2:9

Likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works.

Immediately, they were asking why it mentioned no braided hair. Honestly, I sometimes struggle with that part and I think that’s why so many of us shirk away from teaching it.

I just explained that it’s more important to be beautiful because of the good things you do versus how you look, but the point was we should dress modestly and properly. (This commentary from David Guzik is a good one on the verse).

Then I had them read 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

I explained that since we have the Holy Spirit inside of us, our bodies are temples and valuable so we needed to dress like it—modestly, as the verse before explained. I asked them would it make sense to dress immodestly if you knew Jesus was with you. Lexi says “No, Jesus doesn’t want to see that!” Ah, I love her. Just for the record, Jesus has seen it all and can, in fact, handle it. But phrasing it that way helps their minds process the Holy Spirit.

I then explained that the Bible wasn’t specific about exactly what we could wear—shorts, dresses, bikinis, etc so I was going to play dress-up and we could decide together what was modest.

Writing the Modesty Rules

I was a little scared it might backfire because my girls like to dress a little sassy when they play dress-up but oh, when I walked out with a T-shirt tied on the side up to my chest with my stomach showing all the way down to my low-cut jeans, the girls faces told me I’d done just the right thing.

You would have thought I’d just killed a puppy.

Mother! You need to pull your shirt down!

So, immediately they were writing down the first rule (in the ShowMe app ), Cover belly.

Next, I pulled out a shirt with a wide neck that I normally wear on my shoulders with an undershirt, but let it hang off one shoulder nearly down to my elbow until the top of my bra showed.

Oh my gosh! I can see your bra! You need to cover your shoulders!

Cover shoulders.

Make sure bra covered.

This was going better than I even expected.

Next, I put on a brightly printed bra under a thin white tank which I pulled down so you could see the very little amount of cleavage I have.

Cover boobs.

No light shirt, dark bra.

Scott walked in at this point with a very confused face. I think he really wanted to like the scenery but couldn’t process what was happening. The girls explained I was “homeschooling them about modesty.”

Next, I got some elastic gym shorts, folded the waist band down 3 times and pulled them up high. More gasping as I walked out. Your legs! Too much leg is showing!

Cover legs.

Next, I put on some tight yoga pants but kept my short tank on.

Pants not tight.

I decided to really drive home the point and pulled the sides of my underwear above the band my low rise jeans.

Mother, I can see your underwear!

Don’t show undies.

At this point, Lexi took over and said, let me show you inappropriate.

Y’all, you don’t even know how much that statement scared me.

She told me to put a tank top on, my short white shorts and my tall gold wedge heels.

She’s said that’s inappropriate.

They decided if I didn’t have the heels on, it seemed ok but when you combined all three, it was immodest.

No tank, shorts and heels.

At this point, I think they’d experience too much of inappropriate Mother and were ready to move on. I circled back and had them repeat the why and let them bounce back down the hall to their room. We had a total of 9 rules that would satisfy almost any immodest plight.

A Modesty Stake

Through this whole exercise I kept thinking about Emma and Lexi as teenagers. Maybe the sway of wanting boys to pay attention to them will overpower any sense of decency at times, but I can’t help but think this was a stake in the ground for them to point back at in those moments.

I hope they can look back in their minds and remember writing rules with their silly momma playing dress-up one afternoon and they’ll be more apt to listen when the Holy Spirit whispers, let’s do better than that, child.

Moms of daughters, how do you handle modesty? We still have a few more years to hammer this in, so I’m all ears.

P.S. Apologies to anyone offended by the descriptions of my outfits. Just be glad I didn’t include the pictures Lexi took.