spiritual stuff

A New Thing

March 21, 2013 by Amy 12 Comments

Yesterday was the first day of Spring and I, for one, am ecstatic. I was definitely not made for winter. I survive winter and thrive in summer.

I can’t wait to plant my garden next month and peel back the cover on the pool—even if it is only halfway full because of an apparent hole in the liner. I can’t wait until the grass looks like something other than hay. I want to sweat in the car and complain 32 times a day to someone, “It is SO HOT. I can’t even breathe outside.” Seriously. Can’t wait.

I don’t know if you’ve felt it where you live but I can feel summer coming on. We’ve had some warm days over 70 and plants are starting to bloom. It’s coming.

This morning I was reading in my Valley of Vision book. Please don’t take me for more spiritually disciplined than I am. I’ve only been consistent for two days now. But I’m trying, as part of a new growth plan thing I want to tell you about soon, to read it every morning.

Today’s prayer was about the goodness of God and it struck me so hard that I stopped reading and did one of those Selah things from Psalms. You know where “Selah” is written out to the side and you’re supposed to stop and meditate on what you just read? Yeah, it was one of those moments.

It is an amazing thing to see Deity in a creature, speaking, acting, filling, shining through it;

That nothing is good but thee,

That I am near good when I am near thee,

That to be like thee is a glorious thing:

This is my magnet, my attraction.

I don’t often assign the word “Deity” to God. When I think of deities I think of the Roman and Greek gods we studied in school.

I started thinking about how our true God really did come in a creature, speaking and acting. And isn’t it amazing what kind of God he is? Some gods were too full of themselves to look away from their reflection, some were consumed with war and others, art. I’m not suggesting they were real. In fact, these are the very gods that those in the New Testament were trying to say were not real.

I just imagined if we had studied about Jesus in the same way and what we’d say about our God. He’s so loving and cares about the least of these and patient and slow to anger and just so darn good.

As I’ve been praying that God shows me how much he loves me, one day he just whispered to me, “I died for you, Amy, how else can I show you?”

Selah.

Isn’t that overwhelming? That our God, the one true God, when he came in a creature he loved us so much he died for us. Who, especially a deity, does that?

And so, that last line, “This is my magnet, my attraction,” communicates so much about how I’ve been feeling lately.

Just as spring is coming on, I feel like God is doing something new in me. I have this renewed sense of urgency to know him better. It’s just as it says, like a magnet. I’m drawn to him. It’s unexplainable and without logic but I am. I want to be so engulfed in him that it’s like summer and I say I can’t breathe! I want to be fully in his presence and overwhelmed with his love.

So I probably sound like that Jesus Freak T-shirt I wear and that’s ok with me. I think I’m done trying to pretend I’m not.

This is my magnet, my attraction.

Perfect Love

March 12, 2013 by Amy Leave a Comment

Last week I wrote the post On Love, Fear, Trust and Control. It struck a chord with me and with many of you. The interesting thing to me is that it struck different chords for different people. Some drew out the concept of fear while others drew out the issue of control. God works like that, shining the light on just what you need.

It’s so strange when I write sometimes because I really do feel like the Holy Spirit gives me words I wouldn’t otherwise write. Oftentimes, you hear preachers say I’m preaching to myself now too. And I feel like that when I write—that somehow I’m writing the words but it’s not really me saying them and He’s speaking to me as much as you. I don’t mean I go in a coma and write some of these posts. I just mean sometimes God takes my mind in places as I write that I wasn’t thinking about before.

Even today I desperately wanted to show you pictures of our new laundry room that we redid over the weekend and yet, I feel so drawn to write this follow-up from that post. I’ll stop rambling now so we can get to it.

My mind and thought-process has totally changed since writing that post and there’s a few things that made the difference. I thought if I shared my struggles, I certainly should share where I think I’ve found some victory. Here are a few things that have made the difference:

He Loves Me

I asked God to show me how he loves me. Love leads to trust and trust leads to a release of control because there is no fear.

So of course, He has. Just as I started noticing “control” everywhere, God started whispering the ways he loves me everywhere.

The interesting thing is many, many times he was loving me through people. Whether it was my friend I sat down with for coffee or my kids, I knew it was God’s grace at work. I started seeing possessions as gifts and became more thankful.

I found his love in my thanksgiving.

Fear Hides

My post came up in our small group at our house on Wednesday and I shared my struggle for those that hadn’t read it, Scott included.

I started naming some things I feared—things I hadn’t named in my post.

Being sent as a missionary overseas {I don’t know why this scares me so but I imagine all sorts of awful things happening}

Kids getting hurt or sick.

Something happening to me.

And can I say, just saying them out loud released some of the fear? It was like they were holding me hostage but once I let them out, their strength diminished.

In the light, fear hides.

Not Alone

As I shared in our group, one thing was said which has totally revolutionized my thinking. One of the men grabbed his wife’s hand and said, whatever we face, we can do it together. Well, technically it was more like whatevah we face, we can do it togethah because he’s from Jersey.

At the moment, I took that at just face value but as I mulled it over, I started thinking about all those things I was scared of and I realized that as long as I have Scott, I can do it.

I texted him the next day and said, “I can face whatever as long as you’re with me.” He sent back the same. And I can’t explain it, but something turned in my heart. It was as if a shield surrounded us and I just knew that we could face it together.

The one thing I didn’t fear, and I even said it in group, is Scott dying. Perhaps because of his job and it’s something I’ve had to take a very hard look at, but it honestly is not something I fear. Do I want it? NO. But I do not fear it.

So then, whatever I am afraid of, I know I can face with my partner.

I’m not alone.

God Leads

On Sunday, our pastor spoke about Jesus being our shepherd and us being the sheep. I can’t summarize it all but I’ll share the part God uncovered for me.

Jesus is our shepherd and we can trust and follow him because he’s been there. He’s been through every temptation, he knows where we’re going and He’ll be with us no matter what we face.

He shared Psalm 23…yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of darkness, I WILL FEAR NO EVIL.

Jesus is our Good Shepherd.

After all this, I realized that I could start praying those scary prayers. Bring the Rain came on the radio last week and instead of silently telling God no, thanks, I turned it up on full blast and sang it.

He brought a verse to my mind just yesterday and I think it demonstrates what I have seen.

1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.

I asked God to show me how He loves me. He did in so many ways and it certainly cast out my fears. It’s just amazing to me to see God do something and then find a verse like that after the fact that demonstrates it. Of course, I knew that verse but I’m seeing it new again and I love that.

I don’t know what you’re struggling with, but don’t wait until you have it figured out to go to God. Go to him with your doubts, your fears and questions. He is our GOOD Shepherd and will lead us to the answers.

On Love, Fear, Trust and Control

March 4, 2013 by Amy 8 Comments

Either the whole world read my post about God speaking to me about control and decided to all write and sing about it just to tease me or God really does have something to show me on the topic of control.

I think I’m getting an inkling about the whole mess.

When I was younger, I had my life planned out. I was going to college, going to get a job at a bank, get married and have 2.5 kids. That’s what I wanted so that’s what I prayed would happen and by golly, God was gracious and gave me every little bit of what my heart desired. I am blessed beyond even what I imagined and these things do make me happy.

But I admit there’s still something missing.

And that’s hard to write because I don’t mean to diminish what I have because I love it all so much.

I got to my 30’s and had checked all these things off my list and since then, I’ve realized I didn’t really have a plan past the job, marriage and 2.5 kids. I have no real dreams or plans other than making sure my kids love the Lord and Scott and I get along. There’s a fuzzy retirement to plan in 30 years but between all that I don’t have much direction.

I’ve decided, as I should have a long time ago, that God really isn’t going to lay out a 30 year plan for me. A document stamped with “God’s will” is not going to show up on my doorstep.

I know that God will show me daily what to do. I’ve been scared, though, to pray the scary prayers about where we’re going. The ones that say forget my plans, bring the rain and do whatever brings you glory, Lord.

And here’s what I’m learning. I don’t pray them because I don’t trust God.

I don’t. I mean, I trust him in a little sense but trust him enough to give up control and give him the next 50 years and say do whatever you want? No, that instills a fear I cannot communicate.

I say that as if I do have control over what happens. I know that I don’t really have control. God takes and gives as he pleases but I do think there’s something about someone laying down their lives and allowing God to work in ways he would not otherwise.

So I’ve realized that I don’t trust him enough to pray those prayers. Which means, in turn, that I don’t believe he loves me as much as he does. Because if I really believed he loves me as much as he does and wants good for me, then trust would be easy. I would know, without a doubt, that whatever control I gave up may be met with pain, but only for my good and his glory.

So I think at the end of the day, God has brought this word “control” to my mind but only to show me I still have fear issues and I still haven’t really learned yet how much he loves me.

And maybe the prayer right now should not be about giving up control, but perhaps instead show me how much you love me. That prayer might also bring the very same scary things too but when I frame it like that, I’m all in. And at the end of the day, I think that’s all He wants to do anyway.

PMS and Trash Cans

February 26, 2013 by Amy 3 Comments

Alright, here’s the deal. I’m having the worst bout of PMS I’ve had in quite some time. Dear family, I do apologize for my wretched behavior the past few days.

Y’all, honestly, just wretched.

It’s one of those times where you know in mid-stride that what you’re doing and saying is so terrible but you cannot seem to stop yourself because your body has just taken completely over.

To give you just one example, the other day Lexi was complaining about a pair of her shoes and how they fit. This is nothing new. She’s very particular about how socks and shoes fit.

Well, we went in rounds about how she WAS going to wear those shoes I just bought her because they were EXACLTY what she wanted and she was going on about how she WASN’T going to wear them because her toe in her right foot was hurting even though they were EXACTLY the same size as the previous ones and the next size up was too big for her.

I got so frustrated, that I yelled and stormed in the kitchen and threw the brand new shoes in the trash can, telling her she didn’t ever have to worry about the shoes again because they were GONE!

I knew as I was walking in the kitchen that what I was doing was so daft and I should just calm down and NOT throw the shoes in the garbage but I really could not stop myself.

Before long, she was crying, begging to keep the shoes and I was begging for forgiveness and neither of us knew whether she should wear the silly shoes or not.

Please tell me you have acted this way before!

I would like to blame the hormones, I really would but I truly believe in these times of stress that it simply just brings up the mess inside us already.

Just as Romans says, we all still do things we don’t want to do and don’t do things we want to. We all still fight against our flesh but thank God I can still find Christ at the bottom of a trash can loving me anyway.

God-clippings: How I Use Evernote to Hear God

February 21, 2013 by Amy 5 Comments

Do you ever find the same word or theme suddenly pops up everywhere? In blog posts, in TV shows, in quotes, in songs, in sermons—sometimes you just can’t get away from it, whatever “it’” is.

Don’t ignore those “coincidences”. I tend to think that’s God beating us over the head with a lesson of some sort.

My lesson right now? My word? Control.

Truthfully, I never thought of myself as an over-controlling person, but I definitely think God has some things to teach me.

I don’t want to miss one little thing God is trying to show me, so I thought I might share how I’ve started collecting the pieces of the puzzle.

For you savvy readers, I just create a folder in Evernote and stuff them all there and then revisit.

If that makes no sense to you, let me explain.

Evernote.com is a lot like Pinterest You gather items from all over the web and organize them into folders called Notebooks.

While Pinterest is great at organizing visual data publicly, Evernote is great at organizing text-based data privately.

First, you should set up an account at evernote.com

Then, make a Notebook for your word, or theme.

At this point, you can create a New Note if you’d like. Let’s say the sermon on Sunday spoke directly to your word or theme, you could create a new note with the sermon’s title date date and then type in the applicable notes.

However, as an avid blog reader, what I’ve found most helpful is the Web Clipper.

Web Clipper is an extension for your browser so that a little Evernote button shows up in your toolbar and then you can use it to clip items to your Evernote account.

You can see the extension here on my toolbar.

When I find a sentence I want to clip from a blog post, I just highlight like so:

Then click the Evernote button in your toolbar. A box pops up and lets me pick which folder to save it in.

Then, when I’m ready I can log into my account at Evernote.com and see what I’ve clipped.

In a twist of irony, I just wrote all that and realized that might come across as controlling. Ha! Well, I just tend to look at it as PASSIONATE. So there. I’m looking forward to what God is teaching me and hope to share some time in the future.

Do you use Evernote? What are some other great uses for it? What’s your theme or word right now?

Afraid

February 1, 2013 by Amy 5 Comments

Writing with Five Minute Friday on afraid. No editing or backtracking. Just writing for five minutes.

image credit

I remember lying in my twin bed staring intently at our mini blinds. I waited, afraid, for looming shadows.

I cried, afraid, curled in a ball in the hallway listening intently for the winds to whistle like a train.

I gripped my spray, finger on the trigger and walked faster to my car in the university parking lot, looking to the left and right, just to be sure.

I stood outside the circle, heart pounding with words bubbling. My throat constricted and burned but fear squeezed tighter keeping the words in its grip.

I’ve said no, maybe later and didn’t show up because I wasn’t quite sure how it would all go.

Years have past and I don’t stare at windows or cry in hallways.

Sometimes I think I have this fear thing figured out. And then God prunes a little more of something else and we find the roots are made of fear.

I’m learning one thing though.

The opposite of my fear is not my courage.

No, the opposite of my fear is the certainty of God’s power.

Even if the window breaks, the winds howl or words are mangled, God will be there to rescue and redeem.

Because God didn’t come to prevent us from evil but He did come to deliver us from evil.

Delivering is not a prevention. Delivering implies the evil happened and he’s rescuing us from it.

So next time you are waiting or crying or walking faster in fear, remember God’s power awaits. No matter what happens,

will

deliver

you.

Do you know someone that is experiencing fear? Just one? Would you share this with them and maybe give them a little bit of real courage?

Lessons from Maureen

January 28, 2013 by Amy 4 Comments

Have you ever felt like you were exactly where you were supposed to be? It doesn’t happen often, but I surely felt it this weekend.

If you follow us over at our Facebook page, you would have seen me post a link over to Kristen Welch’s blog We Are That Family this week. For those of you who have been reading for awhile, you know I love Compassion and Mercy House Kenya, a ministry that Kristen started after her first Compassion blogging trip.

Well, my friend Jenny saw my post and tells me that Maureen, the co-founder of Mercy House, was scheduled to be in my town speaking in just a few days. I could not believe it.

My sister joined me and Jenny Saturday to hear Maureen tell her story and the story of Mercy House. I have heard the story of Mercy House many times, as I’ve followed Kristen through the years, but I had never heard all of Maureen’s.

Maureen was rescued by Compassion from the slums of Kenya. Her house was made of mud. She couldn’t sleep on rainy nights because of the muddy floor. She sometimes wouldn’t eat for 3, 4, 5 days. They had no sanitation. Many girls were forced into prostitution—by their mothers.

Compassion breaks in at age 7 and begins to help her family with food, rent money, school fees and of course shares Christ. She gets her family out of the slums, goes to University and is in the Compassion leadership program. Eventually, her story collides with Kristen when Kristen takes a Compassion blogging trip to Kenya and Maureen serves as their tour guide.

It’s just an amazing story of God’s redemption.

We sat listening for over an hour and it felt like we were the only room in the world. I could have listened to her all day telling stories of the women in the Mercy House and the ways God had moved.

I took away a few points from her talk and thought I might share them.

Be a Vessel of Honor

We were pretty much wrecked from Maureen’s opening prayer.

There have been few moments in my life where the Holy Spirit has moved so quickly and powerfully in just a few sentences of a prayer. You could hear her reverence for God and her faith. It truly brings me to tears just thinking of it.

She prayed one sentence that is still sticking with me. In her Kenyan accent she prayed, “Oh God, make me a vessel of honor.” A vessel of honor. I don’t know if that hits you like hit us in the room, but that prayer will always be with me.

Your Past Doesn’t Define You

As she spoke about her past, she shared something someone told her and it is, “Poverty shapes you but it doesn’t define you.” We all have things in our past that could define us. We easily label ourselves as broken, cheaters, liars, poor, etc, but our past does not define us. It simply shapes us. Of course Maureen is impacted by the slums of Kenya, but I can tell you first hand she is not defined by the slums of Kenya. She is free, grateful and joyful.

Find God In Your Dreams

I know this is an odd one to include. We know God spoke so many times in the Bible through dreams. I’ve personally had at least two dreams I’m convinced was God speaking to me. But there was something about hearing Maureen speak about how God had spoken to her through dreams that confirmed it for me.

Say Yes First

As she was sharing her story, she knew that God was calling her to ministry before Mercy House was even a thought in anyone’s mind. She didn’t know what God was calling her to but she said she told God “yes” before she knew what it was.

So many of us get this backwards, including me. We want the plan, the name, the vision, the dream—all of it—before we weigh the risks and decide to say yes.

I think we need to say yes and THEN God will show up.

Be The One

If you ask Maureen, she traces back her rescue to one person that chose to sponsor her through Compassion. One. It only takes one person stepping out and making a difference in someone’s life and you can impact an untold number of others. Be that one.

If you need an idea, support a child through Compassion.

When the speaking was over, I was able to talk with Maureen. She immediately recognized my necklace as a Mercy House Shop necklace and wanted a picture to take back to show the girls someone wearing it.

Even in that, I was reminded that this is the real deal. It’s not the latest Internet fad to support. There are real girls with real babies that are really being rescued. And they need our support.

If you can support Mercy House, please do so. You can become a monthly supporter for just $3 a month or support them through their shop. 100% of the funds go to the girls making the products.

Maureen prayed Saturday to be a vessel of honor and her prayers were surely answered. Thank you, Maureen.

How to Finally Quit Fearing

January 11, 2013 by Amy 7 Comments

Write on “Dive” for 5 minutes…no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.

One of my dreams for you, my dear daughters, is that you dive–dive with abandon and joy and courage from whatever platform you may be standing on. Not with baby steps to the end and a falling off, hoping that the jump doesn’t fail but a running from the start, no-second-guessing, free-falling dive.

I asked you to fly with me. Literally, to take a little trip.

You started with your baby steps. “Do we really have to go?” “It’s not like riding in a car! It’s in the air"!” “What if the plane falls from the sky, mother?” My heart fell. Run, child, run! No need to fear! If you’d only let go, you would laugh with abandon and fly without fear.

But baby steps and more baby steps. Weeks and weeks of baby steps on the diving board and still no sign of that diving I dream for you.

I finally ask myself why I dive. Why is it that I’m able to run from the back of the board and dive without fear?

Aha, the answer is always the same.

I assumed that she has learned that it’s always the same, but no, I need to remind her, no teach her, the answer—the key to learning to dive, or fly, as it were without fear.

“You do know, dear daughter, that the very worst case scenario is that we go get to meet Jesus? That is the worst that can happen.”

She giggles because how funny that sounds.

“Yes, daughter, that’s what I mean. If the worse case scenario is actually the best case scenario after all, you have no need to fear.”

And she gets it. I can see it in her eyes she’s backing up from the baby steps, starting over at the beginning of the board and planning her run to the dive at the end.

It’s the same answer for all of us when we’re too afraid to dive isn’t it?

Jesus is waiting at the end of our worse-case scenario. No matter what we’re asked to do, no matter how badly we fail or fall or hurt or even die, Jesus will be there waiting to meet us.