what i did today

OK, first off, I should say thank you.  Between the emails, comments and conversations, I feel so loved.  So thank you, thank you, thank you for reading, showing support and most of all, praying. Every time a new one would pop up I was all, “Oh, I’m so glad SHE commented!”  Seriously, I might freak out more often so I can hear from you guys 🙂

Yesterday the girls got home from their outing and the plan was for Lexi and I having our one-on-one time while Emma went swimming with our guests (more on that in a minute).  However, Lexi was immediately putting on her bathing suit and excitedly talking about going out. I was like, “Lexi, I thought we were going to spend some time together?”  She thought for half a second and said something like, “Well, I’ll just go out with them for a little bit and we can do it later.”  We never did.  *sigh* I guess she was FINE after all.

Since last week, one thing I decided to do was have one of two teenage girls that are family friends come over the days I’m at home.  That way they are not constantly hearing me say, I have a meeting, be quiet, I can’t right now, hang on and I’m not endlessly getting up to fix some sort of snack.  Not that that’s bad for them to learn some patience but all day every day I’m at home is a lot.  And it’s too darn hot for me to sit out at the pool these days and work (I know, whine, whine, whine).  So one of them is here the days I’m working and so far it’s working like a charm.  We did this several years ago when Lexi was about 3 and they still talk about having her over.  Summer is only a few weeks more and I think this will be the trick to surviving. 

And of course, all your wonderful support and prayers. xoxo

And last night was another mini-meltdown by Lexi.  A family friend had invited her on an outing this morning but when I said I’d be home all day, she wanted to stay home.   Even giving up a meal at McDonald’s!  When I clarified that I’d be home, but would have to work, she lost it and just shouted, “Now I don’t know what to do!  I wanted to spend time with just me and yooo-uuuu!!”  So we worked it out that she would go on the outing and then her and I would definitely do something with just the two of us later.  I can’t tell you how much that squeezes my heart dry.

Thank you for all your support and prayers on yesterday’s post.  I joined you in prayer last night and finally feel like I got a smidgeon of a word.  He said, “Hang in there.  Don’t quit yet,” and of course he finished it off with, “Don’t worry about the kids.  They are FINE.”  I wasn’t sure whether to roll my eyes or laugh.  In any case when he said they were fine, it felt ok.

So don’t quit praying, we’re going to have to figure out this last month of summer somehow.  I do believe once school hits, this won’t be such an issue.  And if you have any great ideas on things we can do during our one-on-one time, I’d be grateful.  Until then, I guess I’ll go New Kids on the Block style and hang tough.

I want to blog about something great I made or wore or bought or read or something. Something besides all the things consuming my mind. I finally took a note from Aibileen in The Help and wrote down my prayer requests. It was a page long. And not wordy ones either. Just people or situations that are taking up headspace, many of which are not appropriate to blog about. I’ve met with at least 3 different friends this week for coffee. They save me from myself. I can’t live without those coffee dates and the $4 coffee is worth every single red cent to get some of that stuff out.

The one issue which I can talk about because it’s all about me is my job. I briefly mentioned Lexi’s break down about hating my job. I do think there were several factors that made it worse that particular night but I think some truth came out. And has since come out two more times since then. Bottom line is she’s having a really hard time with my new work schedule. And I am too.

I think this whole thing would be easier for them if I’d always worked away from home. I know many friends with children that work and know adults (including Scott) who had parents that worked and turned out fine. Better than fine. So I don’t think it’s working that’s so bad. It’s just this transition is really hard. For her entire little life she’s had me at home and now I’m not. I think the breakdown finally happened when it did because we had spent the first 2 weeks of summer on vacation and it wasn’t until the next 2 weeks I spent half the time in the office and she spent ALL DAY at home without me, sometimes not seeing me AT ALL until 5:15 that evening that she realized what was going on. When we started this deal in March, she was in school, saw me each morning and got filled up with love from her wonderful teacher and fun with friends all day. Now, it is very clear that I’m absent. And while Daddy is home with her when I’m gone, there’s just something about having your mother nearby. And my girls are such mommy girls that I think it’s especially hard.

Emma seems better with it. She seems to understand the concept that no work = no money = no Netflix, DirecTV,iphone, pool, movies, etc and etc. In fact, she admitted she LIKES my job for that reason (see yesterday’s post HA). And I guess Lexi isn’t willing to make that sacrifice. She has said very clearly on several occassions she wants me home and not working.

Everyone assures me that they will be fine. Well, to be honest, I don’t want them to be FINE. I want so much more than for them to be just FINE. I’m not looking to survive here, I want them to have the best possible chance they can get. And there’s the rub. If I quit, it’s going to be stressful and hard for us money-wise. Will I be a better mommy or worse without a job and money? If I’m home but we’re not doing much at all and the time I am home I’m constantly saying we can’t do things or get things and I’m stressed and irritable, am I really doing anyone any favors? Will they be just FINE that way too?

All I know is this has been a struggle since the day I started back from leave when I had Emma. I cried like a baby on my day back and follow my blog and you’ll see I’ve been wanting to quit since then. And yet, it’s been 8 years and I’m still holding on. Something has always stopped me from quitting. Greed maybe? Pride? Fear? Or divine guidance? I don’t know anymore. I really don’t know. And it’s upon my heart nearly every waking moment lately. I know, I know we will be FINE no matter what path I choose but right now I’m looking for BEST. What is God’s best for us right now particularly in the face of adding another child through adoption. Just typing that gives me heart palpitations.

I don’t know what to do. I just don’t. Please pray for us. And if you think the answer is clear…if you’re thinking “She just needs to quit” or maybe “She just needs to get over it, they really will be FINE” feel free to share that with me, by email if you feel necessary. I feel like I need some perspective, confirmation, something besides what’s in my head.

I’ve failed to blog most of last week not because I haven’t had time or had nothing to say.  In fact, it was because I had so much to say that I stayed away.  It was quite the emotional week, what with the new puppy, an eye-opening meeting at work, a huge (HUGE. I can not stress this enough) meltdown from Lexi about my job and her hatred (yes hatred) of it and oh, my PMS to exaggerate any small detail.  Yes, it was nothing but drama from which you were spared.

We spent this weekend in Maryland for a family reunion and a mid-year visit to see family.  A four day weekend spent with my family really could not  have dropped in my lap at a better time.  The girls have been stuck like super glue to me and really, it’s overwhelming at times but much-needed and wanted.  We had a great time visiting family, eating together, going to see fireworks, watching movies and generally being lazy around the pool.

I hope you had a wonderful 4th!

As expected, I lost the dog battle.  I had a list of at least 10 good reasons we didn’t need to get him but alas, I can not withstand the puppy power.

Meet Tucker.

Mattie’s reaction: Uh, I don’t know about this, guys.  Seems kind of scary!

He’s close!  Too close to me!

Yeah, uh guys, I’m going back inside.

Poor Mattie.  Bless her heart.

Back to the puppy.

He’s twelve weeks old.

Golden eyes

Brown nose.

Cute as a button.

As expected, Lexi loves him.

And really, I think I’m going to too.

Our first weekend back since vacation and I have to say although I miss the sandy beaches it felt good to get things done at home and spend time with family.

Friday night was uneventful as I had to work. Scott took the kids to their last night at VBS and let them spend their “money” in the store and eat.

Saturday was a fun day. OK, well, it didn’t start out that way. I got up and dressed early and did a mad dash to clean the house. The cleaning lady hadn’t been there for a week and we still hadn’t totally recovered from being out of town. My aunt and uncle were coming in town around lunch and with plans to swim at our house and tour the new addition, I had to have everything in order. It took a few hours, but we were looking presentable. They ended up coming in a little late and then my mom ended up taking them shopping for the afternoon so the girls and I ended up having a fun girls-only afternoon. Emma had been begging to do a spa day forever. So I put a mask on her (Lexi refused), put cucumbers on their eyes, let their feet soak and painted her nails. Oh yes, they got the royal treatment. We spent the rest of the afternoon in the pool, which had finally decided to clear up while we were in Florida. The water was just under 90 degrees and it was fantastic. Saturday evening everyone mosied on over to the house, Scott got home from work and we ate some BBQ together and did a little swimming. I loved having everyone over.

Sunday we had church and ate with the family. The rest of the family went shopping for the afternoon while I took the kids home to the pool, sure that I didn’t want to watch the kids shop til they dropped. Sunday evening after Scott was off and they were back from shopping we went back to my mom’s for dinner and good family time.

Other random things that happened at the house this weekend:

• Scott moved our two dressers to the girls’ old room. The original set..the queen bed the girls had been using…and the dressers we’ve always used, are back together again after several years. It was the original set we used when we got married and for some reason it makes me happy for it all to be together, waiting on guests and maybe, a little boy to take it over.
• I cleaned the playroom (even vacuumed!) and unpacked still more boxes from the addition. Yes, this event is worthy of a bullet point. I should also note that the girls took it upon themselves to empty out their tubs of play kitchen food and utensils, clean them (like they seriously brought in a trash can to throw out the trash and put unrelated toys in a different bin) and reorganize each drawer. An organizational task of such magnitude has never been initiated or completed by them on their own and I have to say I’m pretty proud given my ineptitude on all things organizational. Maybe I can get them to organize my new bathroom cabinets?
• We debated getting another dog all weekend. We’ve actually been discussing another dog for months but it got serious this weekend. It wasn’t pretty. Emma and I do not want it and Scott and Lexi do. Just another reason having another child will be great–tiebreakers on family decisions. Scott is taking the girls to see the dog today while I’m at the office so I fully expect to lose this battle and have another dog at the house when I get home.

I hope you all had a great weekend and are making great plans for the upcoming July 4th weekend!

Well FINALLY we got our bathroom cabinets the day before I got back from Vegas.  I am just ecstatic with them!  They are exactly what I wanted

If you remember, these were my inspiration pictures:

From HGTV; Designer Lina Khatib

I’m very happy with how it turned out.

I just love how the lights are everywhere with all the glass and mirror in the room!

And while we’re at it, I’ll show you the girls’ room so far.  I finally found a set of bunk beds on Craigslist and we went Sunday night to get them.  The girls adore them but do NOT adore sleeping on the top bunk.  Both have insisted it would be their turn on top the previous two nights and yet, they both end up on the bottom *twin* bunk together.  Oh well, I’m going to take it while I can.  Soon enough their bedrooms won’t be far enough apart.

The room is certainly not done, just the basics.  I actually want to move the side table and get Scott to build the girls lockers so they can put their jackets, book bags and purses in it.  They are also begging for a white board on that large green space in the last picture.  Did you know white boards aren’t cheap??  Even the paint to do it yourself is $75 at Lowe’s!

All in all VERY happy with where we are.  Still so much work to do, but we’re having final inspection on the addition on Friday.  Wish us luck!

How do I put two weeks worth of a visits to Vegas, Disney and an island stay in one post?  Well, I don’t.  I didn’t really mean to make all two weeks of our summer vacation into a big blog break.  In fact, I thought without work and any real schedule to follow that I would have tons of time to do what I love but it turns out we were always busy doing something, even if it was doing nothing beside some sort of body of water.

So I just wanted to say hi and say that we’re back.  And I can’t help it, I’ll leave you with some favorite moments in pictures.

Finally seeing Vegas for myself (and realizing it’s not for me)

Revisiting our Honeymoon Island

Eating at that little shack down the pier

Watching the magic on Lexi’s face seeing the princesses at Disney for the first time this year.

Watching Scott cackle at turning at teacup into a tornado

Having a little buddy all week when he normally is obsessed with Scott

Being with my family

And this generally being my life for a week