Amy J. Bennett

Two weeks ago I sat at a restaurant table with my family.  I’d been gone from home for 11 hours working and picked them up from the end of the driveway on the way home to meet a couple for dinner.  I was tired and stressed and I’d missed them.  I always do when I have to work at the office.  Especially when traffic is bad and draws out my already long commute.

One of my girls had a bad attitude and I was embarrassed in front of the couple that sat across the table from us.  They have grown children now, all of whom had been home-schooled the majority of their school years.  On the missionary field no less.

The internal dialogue started.  The bad attitude is all my fault.  If I were just a stay at home mom I’d have more time with them and she wouldn’t have this bad attitude.  I’m a horrible mother for working.  I need to quit so I can be home more.  In fact, I’ll home-school too.

Later that night I laid in bed with the girls for our nighttime ritual.  I cringed when one of the girls said she had her end of year award ceremony at the exact time I had carefully scheduled a meeting at work.  I apologized and told her I’d have to miss it and just daddy would have to go.

I hate you!  I hate your job!

It’s the first time either of those phrases had been uttered and it was my breaking point.  I threw the covers over my head and burst into tears.

She threw herself on top of me and told me of course she didn’t hate me, she just didn’t like my job.

She didn’t realize that of course I knew she didn’t hate me (although the words still stung) but the problem was that at the moment, I hated that I worked too.  It made me cry harder thinking that after 10 years of me working her whole life and never complaining that it had built up and come out.

I left their room and went to the back yard and cried some more, mentally running numbers to see if I really did need to work.

That Monday she had her awards ceremony and Scott took video and I was able to watch it and I celebrated when she got home that afternoon.

We’re just a few days into summer now and while I’m thankful to be able to work many of the days from home, I still feel chained to my desk.  Scott has plans to take them to the lake and I won’t be able to go to take pictures.  The girls are spending lots of their time in the pool and I can’t be there to help them do flips and handstands. Other families are writing bucket lists of things to do this summer and the truth is we can only do a fraction of them on my off hours.

I’m so thankful for my job and really, it’s about as supportive of my family that it can get but there’s still moments, you know?  At the end of the day, I still have responsibilities that leave me wishing for more.  But my job is paying the bills and as far as we’ve been able to tell to date, financially speaking, I need to work and God hasn’t called me home quite yet.

I don’t have a nice bow to tie on this or to give you three steps to enjoying your summer with your kids while you work.  I’m just a mom who wants other working moms to hear you’re not alone.  I missed ceremonies too and we aren’t at the pool together every day either.  Summer is the hardest time of the year as a working mom and the guilt abounds. I get that.  We’ll limp through summer like we always do and just be thankful for the other people in our kids’ lives that fill in the gaps we wish we could.

 

Disclaimer: I realize there are stay at home moms going crazy because they don’t know how to keep their kids busy  this summer and already want to check out.  I realize, too,  there are some working moms that are happy at work and are settled there.  This post is for those of us that work and sometimes wish they didn’t.

We’ve had Bella now for about 6 weeks.  I’ve gone totally bonkers over the little dog.  I think the fact that I know I’ve gone bonkers makes it ok.  I mean, sometimes people go crazy and they don’t know they’re crazy and that’s when it’s bad.

So I’m crazy and I know it. 

I decided with this dog that I wasn’t going to hold back.  I think with other animals, I kind of had this mindset like I know they’re going to die in just a few years so I shouldn’t love them too much.  And I missed out.  So I’m not missing out this time.

 

If she gets run over tomorrow, everyone will be able to say I couldn’t have loved her more.

I want this mindset with the people in my life too. I don’t want to hold back just in case I might get hurt if I love them too much.

I probably need counseling about this. 

But like I said for now, I’m crazy and I know it.

But what has been so interesting about having Bella is the friendship she’s developed with Tucker.

They are cute together.  Like, seriously.  They could have a reality show and people would watch.  Honestly, sometimes when our small group comes over, there’s 10 adults in my living room all just staring at these two dogs interact with one another and laughing.

 

 

You need to know that Tucker has always been high maintenance.  HIGH. MAINTENANCE.  I mean, he’s a lab with lots of energy and he liked to chew everything as a puppy.  One day I had to replace TWO wired keyboards because he ate through the wires.

 

 

You couldn’t out-play Tucker.  He would play with our neighbor’s lab hard for like 4 hours straight and  still would be raring to go after a 10 minute break. 

 

 

Tucker is the reason we had to replace our picket fence with a privacy fence.  And since then, he’s jumped over that fence at least twice.  I think the Energizer Bunny died and came back as Tucker.  Just high energy, you know?

 

 

So Bella comes along and she’s this little thing.  I thought Tucker might want to eat her when we first got her.  But really, he has been so amazing with her. 

 

 

She doesn’t realize she’s tiny.  She really ought to be scared of Tucker but she isn’t.  She has so much spunk and goes after Tucker without reserve.  Especially in his face.  Tucker could snap her in half but he doesn’t.  He just lies down and lets her attack him.  Ever since she got here it’s like half his energy got poured into Bella and everything got balanced somehow.

 

 

She does hit limits with Tucker though and when he’s done with her, he takes his front paw and slams it down on her so she’s pinned to the ground.  He does it gently though so he doesn’t hurt her but he’s pretty clear about what he means.

 

 

Sometimes he gets super tired of her and he jumps on the couch where she can’t yet get to on her own.  Or, if they’re on the ottoman, he’ll hop down to the floor so she can’t get to him.

Bella wakes up with the family but gets tired about 8 in the morning and I’ll put her back in her crate.  She will sleep for hours.  Tucker gets impatient sometimes and will jump on the bedroom door to go get her. 

I haven’t yet figured out if he just hears her before me or he just gets impatient to have her come play again.  Either way it’s pretty adorable.

 

 

If Bella gets tired before we go to bed, sometimes she just gives in and goes to sleep with Tucker.  She curls up really close and he lets her. 

 

 

Have you ever read the Big Dog…Little Dog series by PD Eastman with Fred and Ted?  Well, that’s what I think of every time I see Tucker and Bella.  Fred and Ted.  Tucker and Bella.

 

 

These two dogs are so different but they’re best friends.

 

There’s something beautiful about that, isn’t there?