Amy J. Bennett

Last week I wrote the post On Love, Fear, Trust and Control.  It struck a chord with me and with many of you.  The interesting thing to me is that it struck different chords for different people.  Some drew out the concept of fear while others drew out the issue of control.  God works like that, shining the light on just what you need. 

It’s so strange when I write sometimes because I really do feel like the Holy Spirit gives me words I wouldn’t otherwise write.  Oftentimes, you hear preachers say I’m preaching to myself now too.  And I feel like that when I write—that somehow I’m writing the words but it’s not really me saying them and He’s speaking to me as much as you.  I don’t mean I go in a coma and write some of these posts. I just mean sometimes God takes my mind in places as I write that I wasn’t thinking about before.

Even today I desperately wanted to show you pictures of our new laundry room that we redid over the weekend and yet, I feel so drawn to write this follow-up from that post.  I’ll stop rambling now so we can get to it.

My mind and thought-process has totally changed since writing that post and there’s a few things that made the difference.  I thought if I shared my struggles, I certainly should share where I think I’ve found some victory.  Here are a few things that have made the difference:

He Loves Me

I asked God to show me how he loves me.  Love leads to trust and trust leads to a release of control because there is no fear.

So of course, He has.  Just as I started noticing “control” everywhere, God started whispering the ways he loves me everywhere.

The interesting thing is many, many times he was loving me through people.  Whether it was my friend I sat down with for coffee or my kids, I knew it was God’s grace at work.  I started seeing possessions as gifts and became more thankful. 

I found his love in my thanksgiving.

Fear Hides

My post came up in our small group at our house on Wednesday and I shared my struggle for those that hadn’t read it, Scott included. 

I started naming some things I feared—things I hadn’t named in my post.

Being sent as a missionary overseas {I don’t know why this scares me so but I imagine all sorts of awful things happening}

Kids getting hurt or sick.

Something happening to me.

And can I say, just saying them out loud released some of the fear?  It was like they were holding me hostage but once I let them out, their strength diminished.

In the light, fear hides.

Not Alone

As I shared in our group, one thing was said which has totally revolutionized my thinking.  One of the men grabbed his wife’s hand and said, whatever we face, we can do it together.  Well, technically it was more like whatevah we face, we can do it togethah because he’s from Jersey.

At the moment, I took that at just face value but as I mulled it over, I started thinking about all those things I was scared of and I realized that as long as I have Scott, I can do it.

I texted him the next day and said, “I can face whatever as long as you’re with me.”  He sent back the same.  And I can’t explain it, but something turned in my heart.  It was as if a shield surrounded us and I just knew that we could face it together.

The one thing I didn’t fear, and I even said it in group, is Scott dying.  Perhaps because of his job and it’s something I’ve had to take a very hard look at, but it honestly is not something I fear.  Do I want it? NO. But I do not fear it.

So then, whatever I am afraid of, I know I can face with my partner.

I’m not alone.

God Leads

On Sunday, our pastor spoke about Jesus being our shepherd and us being the sheep.  I can’t summarize it all but I’ll share the part God uncovered for me.

Jesus is our shepherd and we can trust and follow him because he’s been there.  He’s been through every temptation, he knows where we’re going and He’ll be with us no matter what we face. 

He shared Psalm 23…yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of darkness, I WILL FEAR NO EVIL.

Jesus is our Good Shepherd.

After all this, I realized that I could start praying those scary prayers.  Bring the Rain came on the radio last week and instead of silently telling God no, thanks, I turned it up on full blast and sang it.

He brought a verse to my mind just yesterday and I think it demonstrates what I have seen.

1 John 4:18  There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.

I asked God to show me how He loves me.  He did in so many ways and it certainly cast out my fears.  It’s just amazing to me to see God do something and then find a verse like that after the fact that demonstrates it.  Of course, I knew that verse but I’m seeing it new again and I love that.

I don’t know what you’re struggling with, but don’t wait until you have it figured out to go to God.  Go to him with your doubts, your fears and questions.  He is our GOOD Shepherd and will lead us to the answers.

Either the whole world read my post about God speaking to me about control and decided to all write and sing about it just to tease me or God really does have something to show me on the topic of control. 

I think I’m getting an inkling about the whole mess.

When I was younger, I had my life planned out.  I was going to college, going to get a job at a bank, get married and have 2.5 kids.  That’s what I wanted so that’s what I prayed would happen and by golly, God was gracious and gave me every little bit of what my heart desired.  I am blessed beyond even what I imagined and these things do make me happy.

But I admit there’s still something missing. 

And that’s hard to write because I don’t mean to diminish what I have because I love it all so much.

I got to my 30’s and had checked all these things off my list and since then, I’ve realized I didn’t really have a plan past the job, marriage and 2.5 kids.  I have no real dreams or plans other than making sure my kids love the Lord and Scott and I get along. There’s a fuzzy retirement to plan in 30 years but between all that I don’t have much direction. 

I’ve decided, as I should have a long time ago, that God really isn’t going to lay out a 30 year plan for me.  A document stamped with “God’s will” is not going to show up on my doorstep.

I know that God will show me daily what to do. I’ve been scared, though, to pray the scary prayers about where we’re going.  The ones that say forget my plans, bring the rain and do whatever brings you glory, Lord. 

And here’s what I’m learning.  I don’t pray them because I don’t trust God.

I don’t.  I mean, I trust him in a little sense but trust him enough to give up control and give him the next 50 years and say do whatever you want?  No, that instills a fear I cannot communicate. 

I say that as if I do have control over what happens.  I know that I don’t really have control.  God takes and gives as he pleases but I do think there’s something about someone laying down their lives and allowing God to work in ways he would not otherwise. 

So I’ve realized that I don’t trust him enough to pray those prayers.  Which means, in turn, that I don’t believe he loves me as much as he does.  Because if I really believed he loves me as much as he does and wants good for me, then trust would be easy.  I would know, without a doubt, that whatever control I gave up may be met with pain, but only for my good and his glory. 

So I think at the end of the day, God has brought this word “control” to my mind but only to show me I still have fear issues and I still haven’t really learned yet how much he loves me.

And maybe the prayer right now should not be about giving up control, but perhaps instead show me how much you love me.  That prayer might also bring the very same scary things too but when I frame it like that, I’m all in.  And at the end of the day, I think that’s all He wants to do anyway.

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