Last week was hard. We got Some News and we’ve been dealing. But even more than that, we have been trying to get through every day life.
I have no desire to air the details of our dirty laundry, but at the same time, I feel a burden to honestly share what adopting an older child from foster care looks like.
The short of our main issue right now is that Jac0b simply doesn’t trust me. I’m so happy that the bond was formed quickly and strongly with Scott. But, when I am the main caretaker, particularly when he works long weekends like this past one, it makes life not so fun.
Truthfully, I have been blindsided by the lack of trust. I get it, though. He has no reason to trust anyone, especially any mother figure. I guess I just thought our issues would be some sort of behavioral or anger issues totally unrelated to me.
You don’t realize how much your kids trust you until you have one that doesn’t. Simple things like administering medicine is not within the realms of trusted duties. Overall, Jac0b is a super sweet kid who wants to please, but he seems to be simply tolerating me right now. No major outbursts, but it’s clear I am performing the functions of fixing him food and cleaning his clothes and not much more. The bond that he has with Scott where he wants to please him, wants his opinion and trusts wholly what he has to say is simply not there for us yet.
It will come in time, I know. I am trustworthy. He just needs time to learn that. It will be my great honor to earn his trust one day. And I do see moments where he’s reaching out to me. I am trying my best to do the same.
The few incidents we did have this weekend, though, seemed to all trigger some sort of painful memory from my past. It seriously felt like spiritual warfare. I know he had no idea what was going on, but it was like Satan said let’s pick every single painful memory Amy has and let’s have Jac0b say or do something to not only hurt her now, but remind her of that time in her past where it hurt her then too. My junk is coming to the surface. It’s so not his fault, but I felt a little beat up.
On top of this, I had PMS the past few days which always dramatizes everything. It was a toxic mix. I cried for hours on Saturday and in front of friends—which I never do.
We’re getting help. The Lord is sending people to us. I’m making calls to therapists, having conversations and getting a ton of support through the school. Adoption certainly is not for anyone lacking a good support system.
We still feel so much peace that we’re right where we’re supposed to be. Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s bad.
I was listening to the book of John Saturday morning and the verse John 1:11 stood out to me like never before:
He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him.
I have always passed by that verse without a thought, but I had to pause the recording. It was exactly how I was feeling. I’m putting myself out there to Jac0b. He’s my son and yet, he is not receiving me the way I hope.
I am learning just a tiny sliver of what Jesus experienced.
And what did Jesus do? He was faithful until his work was accomplished even when he was rejected, mocked and beaten.
God has been turning this around and asking me if I trust Him enough to do this. Do I really believe that He is making us a family? Do I trust that He will supply all my needs? I am asking for Jac0b’s trust, but am I giving the same to God?
I am so thankful that God has been showing me over the past years how much he loves me and delights in me. I have been resting in that the past few days. I admit, it’s hard to press in, knowing I could get unknowingly hurt again and again, but it’s the very definition of unconditional love God calls us to and what Jesus modeled for us. The good news is I don’t have to do it in my own strength. He loves me and I am to receive that and love Jac0b with that overflow.
Will you pray specifically that I would be bold in my parenting—to correct when needed, that I would forgive quickly and that Jac0b would begin to glimpse my faithfulness to him?
I know I’ve been single-minded lately and this blog looks a little different than it has in the past. Maybe things will return to normal, whatever that is, one day. But for now, thank you for traveling this road with us.