adoption

Cupcakes and Manners

September 12, 2011 by Amy 8 Comments

The girls and I were at the counter and through the door walked three little dark-skinned boys. Several seconds behind them followed a very light-skinned man with a baby, also light-skinned. One of the little boys toting his bookbag on his back scooted past me with a polite “Excuse me”. As the father adjusted to the light and caught sight of him, now standing in front of a few customers he yelled, “Get back here! That was very rude!” The boy humbly replied, “But, Daddy, I said excuse me.” He immediately joined who was now clearly his adoptive father. And I won’t lie. I stared. And I’m sure they’re used to it. But probably not for the same reason I stared. Today I thought about a little boy, just about his age, that could be standing in the cupcake line in a few months and he wouldn’t be part of that family. He would be our family.

I think about it. I think about him. No one has said what his skin might look like. And it really doesn’t matter. Because I’ll still be his mommy and he’ll still be anxious for cupcakes and I’ll still be worried about his manners. It’s just what families do.

A Friday Few

July 22, 2011 by Amy 1 Comment

The DHEC inspection this morning was painless. The inspector was SO nice and flexible. Less than 15 minutes but a few things we have to do.

Outlet covers on all the outlets. Half of ours have disappeared over the years and the new addition never got any.
Cleaning supplies have to go on the 2nd of 3 shelves in the pantry instead of 1st.
Cabinet door locks are needed in the bathroom where the medicine is. At one time they were there and honest to goodness thought they still were.
Daily medicine had to be moved from my yellow cabinet in the kitchen to the 2nd shelf in one of the kitchen cabinets.

All painless and cheap. Yay! The DSS rep that is coming for the fire pre-inspection on August 3rd will check all these things.

Tonight is Beth Moore and I am ecstatic. I get to go with Dani (&friends) and Heather and I hope to get to meet BooMama. ECSTATIC.

I talked to Lexi today and like everyday, she says she misses me. This morning I said, “I get to see you in one day!” She gets panicky and says, “But I don’t want to leave the beach!!” I guess she’s doing quite fine.

Positive

July 8, 2011 by Amy 7 Comments

I can’t let this week go by without mentioning here that we submitted our adoption papers. To be honest, it was done without much fanfare. I took it myself to the post office when I got off work on Tuesday. It seems so simple. Just an envelope addressed a town away. Just another package in the carrier’s bag. Just another piece of mail to open in an office. But we all know it’s so much more.

It’s another official YES. Yes, we really mean it. Yes, we want to help. Yes, we’re opening our home. Yes, we want to save you. Or save us, may it be. Yes, we want you as our son. When I get to thinking on it (sorry, I’ve been reading The Help and have begun thinking like Aibileen), I get super emotional. Somewhere our son is out there. And that sounds sweet until you think that the only way we get him is if he gets abused or neglected. In a weird way, sometimes I pray that we never meet him. Not because I don’t want to but because I want his parent(s) to shape up and treat him like he deserves.

It’s a little overwhelming but honestly when I think of it it’s like some big black hole. We have no idea what we’re walking into but somehow that darkness isn’t scary. It’s peaceful. I don’t get worry in the pit of my stomach. Just peace. I’m not naive enough to think it will be peaceful but there is peace.

So this week the proverbial ball got to rollin’. I’m told it will be another 6 months or so before all the interviews and inspections are done and we’re approved. They say adoption is like a paper pregnancy. So I suppose this week it’s like two little lines showed up.

Just tell me I can start eating all the ice cream and chocolate I want and we’re going to be juuust fine.

Adoption: Hidden Issues and Older Children

May 10, 2011 by Amy 1 Comment

I’ve been following Julie’s blog for years. I couldn’t even pinpoint when it started. Sometime after their Ethiopian adoption and their daughter is now 5. Anyway, I’m just about to bust out of my skin about their latest post. It is nearly textbook to what we learned in training the past 2 weeks about kids who have suffered neglect, abuse or abandonment.

The first thing I could connect is that things that you don’t think are issues may/will surface years later. One example they gave in class is one I mentioned a few days ago…a 9 month old that was sexually abused. No one knew about it at all until years later when the child started showing very bad behavior in day care. It wasn’t until a sibling that was adopted by someone else uncovered it during an art therapy session. The abused child had no clue what had happened and could not verbalize it. And yet, they said his little brain and body knew he had gone through trauma and was reacting to it. Julie’s daughter, although she had been taken care of from birth and adopted at only 8 months is displaying behavior issues caused by abandonment. I’m not thankful they are going through this, but I’m thankful Julie shared that. Because I can see how much love there is in that family and see that they can get through it.

The second thing we learned that I think most people don’t understand is the younger the trauma happened, the longer lasting the effects. Things that happen as an infant can have lifelong issues whereas if they are school-age the effects are shorter term. For example, for those babies that are neglected, they develop attachment disorders and can never, ever get that back, even with therapy. There are just things that have to happen biologically as a baby to work right. Our worker told us the older the child is when the trauma happens, the less long-term effects it can have. I just think that people assume you are better off to adopt a younger baby that has experienced traumas because oh, they were young and don’t remember, or oh, you have more time to help them. And while partly that is true, it’s not always. If it happens when they are older, although you have less time with them before adulthood, you need less time to work with them. Maybe I’m generalizing and have no idea what I’m talking about. I’m no expert but from the training we experienced, that is what I’m hearing. I guess I just want to debunk the theory that getting a baby is the best/easiest way.

Let me be clear, I think at ANY age there will be issues. There is no question. We are aware and we are preparing ourselves mentally that this is coming. But I know God is leading us to this and He will see us through it. Just like Julie and her sweet Marlie. A big thank you again to Julie for opening up about their issues. You give us so much hope even in your struggles!

The Checkmark

April 1, 2011 by Amy 7 Comments

It’s funny how a stroke of a pencil can change your life. A little checkmark in a little square box among pages and pages of information.

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Scott had been trying for months to get hired by a police department. Since I was the designated "secretary", I was the one filling out the driver’s license number, years of addresses, work history and education history page after page. I remember one of the last applications I filled out getting downright frustrated and near angry at having to fill out another one. Surely there was a more efficient way! As we were filling out what ended up being the last application, one question stumped us. "Are you willing to be assigned to another county?" Which really meant are you willing to leave a town you’ve been in nearly your whole life, along with your new baby girl, away from all your family, probably your job, for a strange town, maybe in the middle of nowhere South Carolina? A little checkmark. On paper it was insignificant. A little stroke of a pencil. But how much more it meant. We checked that checkbox over eight years ago. Scott got the job and we were told had we not checked that little box, he would have been passed over. A dream denied, lives altered. I honestly don’t know where we’d be without that checkmark.

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One of the most stressful aspects of adoption so far (and we aren’t far) is the four-page checklist in our application packet. It’s the number one thing the computer will use to match us up to a child. Because of the conditions that children come out of from DSS, it’s near impossible for them to come out unscathed. In almost all cases, these children have been abused and/or neglected in some way. Emotional issues are always present in some form and sometimes physical. And the thing about adoption as the adopter is you get a choice on what you will accept. If you thought deciding what race would fit in your family would be the hard decision, you are sadly mistaken. This list is quite comprehensive. There are checkmarks for cheating, stealing, several for sexual abuse, HIV, cancer, cleft palate and on and on. And not only are these listed, but the severity of it from none, mild, moderate to severe. And not only is the child considered but also the birth parents. In other words, would you accept a child whose parent has HIV? It’s insane really. How do you determine whether a child that has a moderate case of lying and a severe case of cleft palate with a parent who has HIV would fit into your family, whom I should mention has their own list of ailments in one way or the other? It’s a messy thing. But be sure, these checkmarks will change a life. Nay, many lives.

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Adoption though is so connected to God and the way His Kingdom works. First and not the least is the command to us to take care of orphans.

Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you. James 1:27

That’s going to look very different in each of our lives but be sure, it ought to reflect some part of your life. In ours in this season, it is adoption. And what a beautiful way this particular action reflects how God adopts us. Verse after verse proclaim that we are God’s sons and daughters, becoming one of the family, receiving every inheritance that Christ receives as the Son of God.

Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name,
he gave the right to become children of God John 1:12

For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, ‘Abba! Father!’ Romans 8:15

Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit,
groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons,
the redemption of our bodies Romans 8:23

He predestined us to be adopted as his sons
through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will. Ephesians 1:5

To redeem them that were under the law,
that we might receive the adoption of sons. Galatians 4:5

We are sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus (Gal. 3:26).

And when I think about that, I think about the pages and pages of a checklist God must have on me. One ailment or another that I carry a mild to severe case of. Jealousy. Anger. Stealing. Cheating. Pride. Lying. The checklist is endless. Four pages wouldn’t begin to cover it. And yet, God, without question, went over to the Severe checkbox of every single line and said YES, I will accept her no matter what. God said YES!

And you’d think those were the checkmarks that changed my life. And indeed in many ways it’s a part of what changed my life. I have a heavenly Father that treats me as His own. Loves me. Wants good for me. Gives me every good gift. And yet, it was another lone checkmark that planted the seed of change. One stroke of a pencil that really made the difference. The one where I said yes to him. The one where I let him be my Father. To love me. To give me every good gift. Because here’s the thing about God. His gift of adoption is conditional on your checkmark. It’s the one labeled faith. And sometimes you have to leave everything you’ve known as home to follow Him. You may have to move. Leave family. Lose friends. You will for certain lose yourself.

But it’s so worth it. It makes all the difference. One stroke. One checkmark. The little one that changes your life.

This post was written in part for the She Speaks Conference scholarship opportunity posted at a Holy Experience

Laying the Groundwork

January 21, 2011 by Amy 5 Comments

Today we met with the designer and our friend that’s a builder. Both were really good meetings but boy, do we have a lot of decisions ahead of us.

The designer looked at a few of the designs we had come up with and liked one that I actually didn’t post. The biggest thing she recommended which really surprised me was to not do the tub if we don’t use it. She suggested instead to do a huge tile shower which would still satisfy the spa type feeling for the master. The plan also takes into account the split closets we wanted. She’s supposed to be putting a plan together this weekend so I’ll share when we get it.

We spoke with the builder and all seemed well. There were no hiccups or gotchas that came up and in fact, we think we might have a few extra feet on the end of the house to use. He gave us a few steps we can start with, mainly getting our survey from the courthouse to see if we need a new one or not. And then there are A LOT of decisions to make on what materials to use so he can do a proper bid. A few of the bigger things we’re having to consider right now:

Side the whole house or just the addition with an accent siding on the front? In which case he recommended bumping out the front of the house about a foot.
Where to put windows and what size.
Flooring.
Type of cabinets and countertop and overall look and feel of the bathroom.
How to run the water lines and what to do about the hot water heater. Considering putting one of those instantaneous things in.
Putting in a well while we’re at it to get better water pressure and reduce monthly water costs. Our pressure is AWFUL and we’re concerned it won’t support our nice big shower. This was just mentioned, not sure if we could if we wanted.

I won’t overwhelm you with more, that is quite enough to think about. I’m horrible at decisions so you can imagine that this blows my brain a bit. But, at the same time, it’s fun picking new stuff out!

Sacrifice

January 6, 2011 by Amy 15 Comments

I love when God speaks. When prayers are answered so clearly, there is no mistaking it. Follow me, it’s a long one…

Last night we had, once again, another conversation with the girls about the possible addition to the house and adoption. My kids are comforted by a schedule and set expectations. Mommy and Daddy down a back hall versus the next room over is a big deal. Giving that up for a little brother is a big deal. And I’ll be honest, the kids aren’t sold on it. Especially Emma. I haven’t broken through yet to see what’s going on but so far it’s just that she’s an “us four, no more” girl right now. So I just prayed that God would change her heart and ready her for this change. To be frank, we don’t let our kids dictate our decisions. If God tells us to do this, Emma’s just going to have to get an extra dose of grace from God to get through it. I did the same with a house move when I was 8. I remember my mom saying, “Listen, Amy, we’re moving and you can go with us or not, but we’re going.” I suppose this is “what goes around, comes around” part of my life. Anyway, I say all to say last night I prayed about the addition and adoption during prayer time with the girls. I specifically prayed that He would ready us and also prayed for the little child, if he was out there. As soon as we were done, Emma started asking questions. I could tell her little heart had already opened a bit to the idea and she was trying to get the answers she needed to be ok with it. She’s not there yet, but she’s moving.

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Last night I was reading for my Bible in 90 Days schedule and I bookmarked a verse in 1 Chronicles. I haven’t bookmarked a verse during this reading since Numbers, almost 3 weeks ago. This is it:

1 Chronicles 21:24 But King David replied to Araunah, “No, I insist on paying the full price. I will not take for the Lord what is yours, or sacrifice a burnt offering that costs me nothing.”

When I read that, I thought, ouch. That’s exactly what I’ve been thinking about, especially surrounding money. What good is it that we give when it’s not a sacrifice? I love what CS Lewis says

“I do not believe that one can settle how much we ought to give. I am afraid that the only safe rule is to give more than we can spare. In other words, if our expenditure on comforts, luxuries, amusements, etc., is up to the standard common among those with the same income as out own, we are probably giving away too little. If our charities do not at all pinch or hamper us, I should say they are too small. There ought to be things we should like to do and cannot because our charitable expenditure excludes them.”

Now CS Lewis’ work isn’t the Bible but I think that’s what David was getting at. What good is a sacrifice if it isn’t really a sacrifice at all?

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This morning I was praying again, please, let it be clear. I don’t want to do this without clear direction. Again and again, I keep hearing. Do it! Fast!

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I started my blog hopping this morning and was reading, actually watching, this post from a new blogger I’ve been following, Laura Parker. Her and her family are in Thailand serving. The post led me over to another on her site about adopting an orphan. Those words hit me hard:

Yet, we wait.

We wait for God to speak to us in an audible voice, telling us to “GO!”—sometimes He does that audible voice thing, you know.

We wait for the perfect job to come along—orphan care demands a whole lot of money.

We wait for the bills to be paid—can’t be taking on more than we can handle.

We wait for the larger house—because adding children requires a large house.

We wait for a few kids to leave the nest before we add more—can’t be having too many children in the home.

We wait for confirmation with the perfect scripture to drop into our spirits as a sign that we need to act now.

We wait, we wait, we wait.

And while we wait—they perish. The statistics are staggering. I can’t even look anymore.

Ouch. But that’s not the end. I saw a link for a post “Being a Foster Parent”. Which it’s probably not ringing a bell for you guys but the thing we are considering right now is foster-to-adopt which our church is launching this year. She talks about the very thing I’ve gotten many comments on already…how hard would it be to give the child back? I can say, it’s hard. No denying it. My family was a foster family to many newborns when I was 6-7 and I was in the room when my parents handed the child over to the adoptive family. There were tears. There is no denying it would be hard. But guess what the post said?

Of course it’s hard. When God calls us to do something, to serve, to serve Him, he doesn’t say – oh and I have something for you and it should be pretty easy so go for it. No, He says, "…to look after orphans and widows in their distress" James 1:27. It doesn’t say, when it’s convenient and easy…look after orphans. In 2 Samuel 24:24 King David says, "No, I insist on paying you for it. I will not sacrifice to the Lord my God burnt offerings that cost me nothing." Sacrifices in the Old Testament were a form of worship and an action of obedience. "I will not sacrifice that which costs me nothing." My dear friend Laura Parker who chose to listen and obey and sacrifice for orphans said, "true worship and obedience comes with a cost." I think that is true. There has not been a doubt in my mind in the last 9 years that THIS is what God has called our family to do. To sacrifice for orphans.

Gosh, this post is getting so long but do you see that?? She pulled in the exact same verse (same instance but from it’s original context in Samuel) from David! The same one I highlighted just last night. And the post was related not to money, but to sacrificing yourself for orphans and specifically this post talked about fostering children. I mean out of all the verses, how is it that I ran into the same one just hours later and really only minutes after praying about adoption?

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I love how God uses so many instances to create a beautiful tapestry. More and more when I see God work, it’s many things pulled together to make a bigger picture. When I read that last post, it was like a ton of bricks hit my soul. That’s our sacrifice. I hope, though, it’s also our joy.

I don’t do this much but would you please pray that God moves in our family? I feel like this is the direction we are going but it would be awesome if the kids were excited. The thing is I KNOW it’s going to be a sacrifice, that’s what’s clear about what God is saying. It will be hard, there will be tears. But I also know He will equip us if he calls us.

Addition

January 4, 2011 by Amy 9 Comments

And not in the subtraction kind of way. Scott and I spent some time this weekend considering an addition on the house. As I mentioned, we’re still considering adoption. But really, we don’t have the proper room for it. Yes, we could make it work with the 3 rooms we have. We could condense the girls’ toys, put their bed on stilts and cram it all in their room. The second option I’m not a fan of but we could switch rooms with the girls so that the girls have a bigger room to fit them and their toys. We lose a personal bathroom and well, that’s a bummer.

Why not just buy a new house? Well, we can’t even let go of a recliner. Think about how we feel about moving. Really, we are in a fabulous location, have a nice piece of property, like the school, etc. I’m not saying NO to it, but all of us want to consider an addition. So I thought we might all want to consider it together. Yes?

OK, so here’s the front of our house. It looks oh so…wintry. Wahhh…when is Spring coming??

Here’s the same side but from the back.

Photo Jan 04, 10 05 44 AM

And here’s the current floor plan on that side of the house

So basically that room you see jutting out of the back of the house is my office (where I’m currently sitting). It used to be our back porch and Scott closed it in. I just looked and wow, it has been 6 years since he did that. The room on the back corner is our room and the two windows on the left side of the house are the girls’ play room and bedroom. Here’s a shot down the hallway. Playroom to the left, their room straight down the hall and our bedroom is the last door on the right and as I said, is in the back of the house.

Actually, here’s a really old house tour if you’d like a better feel for the inside. I’m almost embarrassed by it though…not ONE of those rooms look the same but the floor plan is still legit.

OK, whew, I hope you get the idea of the current state of our floor plan. So there are really only two options for an addition. In both cases, the idea is to add on a master suite, let the girls share our room, and let whomever (whether it be adoptee or just guests) have their bedroom.

OPTION 1

The first is to close in that back corner of the house where the trampoline is. You might want to scroll back up to the pic from the back yard.

The door to the new bedroom would come off the office. You can see I added in where the furniture would go.

The back of the house would look something like this:

The good part about this is you don’t change the front of the house. You wouldn’t even know it was different if you were driving down the road.
You also don’t really lose any square footage from the house. Yes, we’d have to do some rearranging in the office to get a door from there but overall, no square footage is lost.
The one really big downside is you’d lose the window in the office, the window to the master bathroom AND one in the bedroom. Our house already is pretty dark and that’s the side of the house where we get a lot of sun.
We’d also lose the back yard for the trampoline, where it is currently hidden from passersby. However, we do have room for it still.
The bedroom would be roughly 16×17 and include a closet and bathroom.

OPTION 2

The second option is to go wide. We’d tack the room on to the end of the house.

The tricky thing about this is how to get to the room. We’d have to extend our hallway into the current girls bedroom , make a new wall for their room (see the dashed line) and have our doorway at the end of the hall.

The front would look roughly like this. This is rough, but the last two windows would be the addition. The ones in the middle are the current girls’ room:

And the back, you can see it to the right there:

The bad part about this is obviously the second bedroom loses a lot of square footage. The room is not big already and I think this change would make it as small as the first one, which is like 8×10.
Another downside is we’d for sure have to redo all the siding and possibly carpet.
The good news is the room could be much larger, up to 22×20 if needed.
We have lots of space in our side yard that is not used.
We keep all the windows in the back as well as the trampoline space.
All the bedrooms are still accessed from the hall.

Given all that, we are definitely leaning towards putting it on the end. I know we’d lose some of the bedroom but I think it’s better than losing back yard and all my windows and office space. And really, I think it’s a better looking solution.

So did I lose you? Follow that at all? What do you think? Side or back? Or bad idea altogether?