adoption

A First Thanksgiving

December 1, 2014 by Amy 1 Comment

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I’ve hinted at it a bit in the last few posts, but the past few weeks has had some difficult moments. Some time in October we felt like we’d hit a breaking point and things were on the upswing. But then, it seems that we began trekking through another difficult time. I heard that this is normal–to rotate through peaks and valleys during transition.

Jac0b’s teachers felt like he was “off”, Jac0b and Lexi started butting heads again, even Scott and I weren’t getting along. Last Monday Lexi “ran away” to our side yard. I had to have a “pep talk” with her, as she calls them. Once we signed the final adoption papers at the beginning of November and then got our court date, it seems Satan went on the attack again trying to cause strife in our family.

But then this weekend.

This long holiday weekend was exactly what we needed.

On Thursday for Thanksgiving, we ate lunch and dinner with our families in town. I was sitting at dinner and thinking back to one of our first dinners at my parents’ after we got Jac0b and realizing how much better I knew him. I knew which dishes on the table he would eat and which he wouldn’t. I had an idea of how much food he could eat. I could tell how far to push with him and knew when Scott’s banter was too much. I wasn’t just so entirely grateful that last year he wasn’t at our table and this year he was, but that these 4 months of hard work were paying off. We know each other so much better now.

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And then, as we were eating, I noticed that Lexi and Jac0b were unnecessarily shoulder to shoulder eating their dinner. In fact, the entire weekend all 3 kids spent the weekend playing nice with each other.

Jac0b hasn’t gotten an “X” on his behavior chart in nearly a week. In fact, somewhere on Friday he said, “Why isn’t there anything on any of these days?” He was working so hard this weekend to get more and more checkmarks (we give for sharing, going the extra mile, compliments, etc).

He told me Friday night while I was putting him to bed that he was excited to go to court (17 days!). I was ecstatic because it’s the first time he’s indicated to me he was happy about it. I mean, I knew it meant a lot to him, but he hasn’t expressed downright excitement about it. He told us he wanted to go to Chuck E. Cheese on the court date to celebrate and he said he was excited to go there too. I asked him which he was more excited about and he said, “Court.” Melt my heart!

I can tell our relationship is making progress too because he’s started to connect me with good things.

He found that I had picked out his favorite ice cream in the freezer and I heard him in the kitchen say, “Lexi, Mommy has mint ice cream!” I love that he attributed it to me. He’s learning that I pay attention and give him good things.

When he was doing his DORE exercises and got a good assessment on that round, he made a point to come in the other room where I was and say, “Mommy, I got all easy on my exercises today.” He was playing cool, but I could tell he was proud of himself and I couldn’t be more happy that he wanted me to be proud of him too.

Sunday afternoon we were walking through some stores in town where it was all girl-stuff. He said, “This is why I didn’t want to be in this family!” He’s made comments before about not wanting two (annoying) sisters. But then, he quickly corrected himself and said, “I mean, I AM happy to be in this family.” A few months ago, he would have let the first barb sit there, not caring that our feelings were probably hurt.

Sunday night he was leaving after dinner to go play with a neighbor and he came right back inside and said with such wonder, “Mommy, Mr. Rich has his lights up!” We’d been waiting all week for the big light-up. I followed him outside and our neighbor had outdone himself. I literally almost started crying at Jac0b’s childlike wonder at the lights and how they were truly beautiful–and how he came to get me to see them too.

I suppose I share all those little snippets of our weekend to simply say this first Thanksgiving weekend together couldn’t have gone better. I hope this is yet another turning point. I’m sure it’s possible once we jump back into routine of school and work that tensions might rise again, but this long weekend was just the respite that we all needed.

I couldn’t be leaving this first Thanksgiving weekend of ours more grateful and ready to jump into the Advent season. I hope you and yours had a good one too.

In The Picture, Redeemed

November 26, 2014 by Amy Leave a Comment

Three years ago in November 2011, I wrote this post, sharing how in 2010, I had longed for a little boy in our family picture. I didn’t know it, but at the time, Jac0b was 5 years old.

I have a secret to tell about this picture, taken last November. When I first saw this picture I thought about how beautiful the leaves were and how I love the sun streaming through the trees. I love that my family is all holding hands and that if you look hard enough, you can see a smidge of my big smile. But I never told anyone all I could think about is how I thought a little boy would fit between me and Lexi. He would even us out, fit perfectly.

And looking back, I love that this picture looks like we’re headed off together on a journey, with God’s warm presence over our path. We didn’t decide and announce we’d adopt until late January this year but this shows he’s been in the picture for much longer.

We have last year’s family picture on a canvas in our living room. Last year’s picture was also special because I knew God was telling me to enjoy our year. Our family was in a very sweet time and I was so grateful, although I mentioned I felt like we perhaps we had some hard years coming up.

For whatever reason God decided to let me be a part of this beautiful family and it is such a gift. We’re far from perfect but we’re healthy. We’re happy. We love Jesus. He is SO good to us.

I don’t know if that means we have some hard years coming up. Maybe. But maybe they’ll all be good years.

You can imagine that planning this year’s family picture was a big deal for us. When we began talking about family pictures and where it would be, Jac0b piped up and pointed at the picture and said, I want our picture in the same place as that one. Thankfully, that’s exactly where we had it planned with the same photographer.

Once again, his desires and our desires meshed. And so with that, I’m sharing a few proofs from our family pictures this year (I’m saving the one I’m using for our Christmas card).

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I can’t think of a better time than Thanksgiving to say that yes, this year has been hard but it also has fulfilled so many longings and we are so, so grateful.

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Although I was so happy with our family of four, I just knew there was a little boy that was supposed to be with us.

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And now he is.

God is so good. Happy Thanksgiving, y’all. He’s worthy of our praise!

The Upcoming Court Date

November 19, 2014 by Amy 3 Comments

I have some very good news today in case you didn’t see it on Facebook yesterday. (Like the Facebook page if you’re on there–I post the latest news first over there)! I got a call yesterday afternoon from the attorney that our court date has been set for December 18th! 29 days and counting!

Originally they told us we’d likely be with a grouping of other adoption cases on the 29th, but we asked for a date before Christmas. Jac0b has put a lot of stock in this date and I feel like a lot of his angst will settle down once we get through that. I really wanted that stability for Christmas. Holidays are hard enough.

I had prayed that the date would hold some significance, particularly around the number 7. It certainly wasn’t required, but I wanted to see God’s hand in this once again. I think he answered. The date is exactly 7 days before Christmas. The verse from Isaiah “Unto us a child is born” has been on my heart since we adopted. I’m hoping to use that on our Christmas card with our new family picture. It’s not that I see Jac0b as the Messiah, but it does hold a double significance to us this year.

So, it just seems appropriate that even though we can’t have the court date on Christmas, we’re having it 7 days before. Also, if you flip back exactly 19 weeks, that’s the Thursday he was placed with us in August (19 x 7) and if you flip back another 3 weeks (3 x7), that’s the Thursday we met him for the first time and if you flip back another 2 weeks (2×7), that’s the Thursday we got the call about being matched with him. Call my crazy, but it doesn’t seem like an accident to me that all of these multiples of 7 lands us on different significant Thursdays.

The date also worked out perfectly because I had already taken the day off since we’re headed out of town the next day to visit family for Christmas. That’s also the kids’ first day of Christmas break so they won’t miss school either. Scott easily got the day off. They really couldn’t have picked a better day.

When I told Jac0b, the poor thing barely cracked a smile. I had to ask if he was even excited and he said yes. I’ve been thinking on it and there have been other times I’ve expected him to be more excited–even on his birthday–and I am beginning to believe that he really doesn’t know how to celebrate. I imagine he’s had so many disappointments that it’s hard for him to get excited. Why get excited when you doubt it will happen anyway?

And maybe it’s because, as we talked about a few posts ago, that this is bittersweet for him. Yes, he’s getting a new family, but it’s also the day he loses his identity legally with his birth family. And maybe he’s just playing tough guy and if he lets too much emotion out, it’s just too much to handle. I’m sure it’s a combination of all of that.

I asked Scott if I could do family T-shirts for the court date and he was not into that at all. If you know Scott, you know that’s way too cheesy for him. I’m not sure yet how to celebrate the day yet, but I’d love to hear how other families have handled it.

So, 29 days. It will be here before we know it and I couldn’t be more excited.

Sponges, Narratives and Nets and a Few Bad Days

November 18, 2014 by Amy 3 Comments

I’ve spent the last 7 days or so in a bad place mentally. Which really, is kind of bad because the kids actually had one of the best, if not the best, weekends together. They didn’t have any friends over or didn’t play with any of the neighborhood kids. They basically were on lockdown together at home by choice and they played and played and played. Very little arguing and lots of bonding and it was oh so good. We had family pictures and I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am to see those. I even took them all out to eat and shoe shopping by myself Saturday night and it was actually fun. I’m telling you, things were good around here externally this weekend.

But internally, things were brewing in my mind. I got a random phone call last Tuesday. It was Jac0b’s Guardian Ad Litem that I didn’t even know he had. She needed to visit.

The visit went fine, wonderful, even. It turns out his GAL is a wonderful Christian woman who really, really cares about Jac0b and fought like a mama bear for him. Once again, I saw God’s hand in Jac0b’s life. And yet, I also saw more glimpses of his life with his birth family. I’ve figured out that this is always a trigger for me. My mind begins changing the narrative of this adoption.

My mind begins playing this story on repeat: this poor boy has endured so much and now he has been taken from his family.His family probably misses him so much and has no idea where he is. I am sure they are beside themselves in worry. Who are we to have their son/nephew/grandson? No wonder Jac0b hurts so badly. I want to fix the family and Jac0b and make it all right for them and we’ll just step out of the way. This is so depressing! I cannot fix any of this and it is so, so sad! It will always be sad and there is nothing that can be done to change the awful things.

I begin soaking up everyone’s emotions and then instead of being grateful and in awe of what has happened, I’m deeply sad and depressed.

Kay Bruner calls this being spongey.

It’s another boundaries issues. It’s a big one because I actually don’t know what their emotions are. And even though I do have an inkling of what Jac0b’s emotions are, that narrative is no good.

And not only is the narrative no good, once I’m sad and depressed about one thing, I begin being sad and depressed about so many other things. I had emails from teachers and texts from my kids with issues and no dinner on the table last night and all the sudden not only is this adoption sad and depressing, but I’m a terrible, absent mom and the whole world is falling apart. It’s no good!

As Glennon at Momastery explains, when we get into these head spaces, we have to change our narrative.

I feel like a lot of us get stuck in all sorts of bad narratives. We could be single or sick or hating our job or scared for our kids or hating our marriage. We tell stories about ourselves to ourselves and these narratives get stuck on replay and then infect all of our thinking. We need new narratives. Thank you, Glennon, for teaching us that.

The narrative I should be telling myself is something like this: bad things happened. His family didn’t care for him like they should have and no one stepped up to take care of him. But God knew in advance and began setting things in place for him to be rescued years and years ago. God was not taken surprise by this. He called us to adoption and he took Jac0b out of that family and has set him in a new family. We are a gift to each other. We should live gratefully and joyfully, making the most of what has been given to each of us. Just as God rescued him, the story is not over and God will continue to redeem.

That narrative is so much better because it recognizes that yes, bad things happened, but God is involved and there is so much hope already for what has been done and so much more hope for the future.

So here’s what I learned this week. I need to wring myself of others’ emotions. I am responsible for my emotions and that’s it. And I need to make sure my narratives focus on the positives of the present and the hope for tomorrow, all and only available through God’s love and plans.

So I’m back on track this time and being in awe and grateful and getting back to joyful. Thank you Glennon and Kay and Richelle and Mom and Heather for helping me get there.

What’s the narrative in your head right now that needs to change?

The Yearbooks

November 11, 2014 by Amy 3 Comments

We did it, guys, we did it!

Friday after posting about Jac0b’s yearbooks, I made some phone calls and guess what? All the schools which produced yearbooks had a yearbook for him!! Everyone was extremely nice and accomodating and it really made me believe that there are still good people in the world and not everything is buckled down under eight layers of red tape.

Like a Christmas miracle, both Scott and I were off work today while the kids had school so we spent the morning making the trips to the schools to get them. It was a beautiful day, very warm and the trees are just gorgeous right now. Scott and I were able to talk through some things and really, just relax.

At the second school, the one he attended when he was taken into foster care, we were able to talk to some of the admins that knew him. They were so gracious and very thankful that he was in a stable environment. I wasn’t expecting it, but it was a good moment for me to hear that he’s in the right place.

After the kids got home from school, we told him we had a surprise for him and then showed him the yearbooks. He got a shocked look on his face and then started giggling when Scott started telling him how cute his picture was and chasing him around the dining room. I mean, y’all, look at this face.

Can you see those squishable, kissable cheeks? Even the girls were fawning over him.

My heart hurts a bit more, though, picturing him like that experiencing the things he did. As we’ve heard about his past, I’ve only had him as he is to try to imagine it. But with this picture, he’s younger and smaller and a bit more vulnerable. My compassion for him has grown. Yes, he’s in the right place.

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We sat in the recliner and we flipped through the pages as he pointed to this friend and that friend and he told me which teachers he liked and which he thought were mean and which ones knew him and which taught him math. It was good to bridge that gap and bring his old life into our new life, even if it’s just in pictures.

If there has been a heartwarming moment, this is my favorite so far.

The Broken and Beautiful: My Biggest Misconception About Adoption

November 10, 2014 by Amy 4 Comments

Friday was a wonderful day. We signed the final papers as planned, without a hitch. Scott and Jac0b went on their first camping trip Friday night. He initiated a hug with me to tell me goodbye and it all felt so very right.

It’s looking like our court date will be December 29th with a bunch of other adoption cases before the end of the year, but we’ve requested something before Christmas.

We really want him to feel secure going into the holidays as it’s an expectedly emotional time.

As wonderful and happy as we were to sign the final papers on Friday, I have to tell you I’m feeling quite torn and sad about the whole thing right now.

My biggest misconception about adopting from foster care is that it would be a happy event all around.

I thought the situation at home would be so terrible that he would be happy for us to “save him” from his family and even, the parents would be glad to be rid of the burden of a child, and of course, we would be very happy to do the saving and to bring a child into our family. How terribly inaccurate, at least in our case.

The truth is a child will likely love his parent no matter how terrible their decisions were. And mostly, a parent loves their child and does the best they can, even if that best is not good enough. And yes, we are more than happy to bring Jac0b into our family, but it’s very bittersweet right now. I was not expecting this, but there’s a part of me that wants to make everything right for Jac0b and his family.

As a mother, I simply cannot imagine my kids taken from me and as a daughter, I cannot imagine my parents being taken out of my life. My heart hurts in both ways for Jac0b and his family and I know he is feeling a lot of sadness mixed with happiness too.

So while we are celebrating, we have to be very careful to honor the broken pieces of this story. While adoption creates a new family, it also must destroy another family. Our case worker likened his experience to the death of a parent, except worse because the parent is still alive and well. It’s truly heartbreaking.

So I guess amidst all this happiness as we stare down finalization, I’m feeling the heaviness of that truth. I’m trying to grieve, but also remember that things really weren’t enough in his home. He is in a much safer, more stable family where he can flourish—and he is.

I am very sure in years to come we will see all and only the beautiful in its glory, but right now I’m holding vigil for the broken.

It’s all a tricky balance I wasn’t expecting to have to strike. So, if he doesn’t seem as happy as you think he should be or maybe we don’t celebrate like you think we ought to, please know we are doing the best we can with all the pieces. It’s both broken and beautiful. And that’s ok. Only the best things are.

The Yearbook and the Yes

November 7, 2014 by Amy 11 Comments

Jac0b with my parents’ dog. He loves animals.

This morning on the drive to school with Jac0b and Lexi, Jac0b asks me if I signed his Tuesday folder. Mind you, it’s Friday. “No”, I tell him, “you didn’t show it to me. Get it out now and I’ll sign it.”

He gets it out and passes it to me in the driver’s seat. I sign my name as I lean it against the steering wheel. I flip through the papers and see it’s time for yearbook orders.

“Order my yearbook! I want a yearbook!” Jac0b says from the back seat.

“OK, we always order yearbooks, so I’ll definitely do that.”

“Order it now! My teacher will be mad if I don’t take the form today.”

“Jac0b, it has a due date of the 21st. I have plenty of time. I promise I’ll order the yearbook.”

“Do it or you’ll forget. You ALWAYS forget.”

“Jac0b, no I don’t. I do what I say.”

“Well, Daddy doesn’t.”

“Yes, he does, Jac0b. Daddy does what he says. Can you think of a time when Daddy didn’t?”

His silence is the answer.

“We do what we say, Jac0b. I’ve bought yearbooks every single year for the girls. I promise I’ll get you one.”

He seems satisfied and then says, “I’ve never had a yearbook. Lexi, will you sign my yearbook?”

And there it is between the lines. Unmet promises, trust broken. He doesn’t explain, but I know he’s wanted a yearbook before and someone didn’t come through.

My heart breaks thinking of him in class when they’re passing yearbooks between friends. Someone let him down. He’s helpless and left out and hurt. No one is signing his yearbook because he doesn’t have one. He has no pictures to look back at, to remember. My girls flip through theirs constantly. They talk about their friends and their teachers and all their favorite memories.

I decide I’ll not only order this yearbook, but I want to call all his previous schools and see if I can gather his past yearbooks for him.

Today they come. It’s the 7th. Ninety days since his first day with us. We sign our final adoption papers at lunchtime. The one where we can take it to the attorney and make it all legal. And after the conversation this morning, I cannot sign that paper fast enough. I want to be the one that fights for him. The one that keeps promises and makes connections to his past and see his face light up when it’s redeemed. I want to be his advocate and his number one fan.

I want to be his mom.

Today is another yes to make that happen. It’s taken so many to get here, but we’re here and I’m so ready.

Parents, You’re Doing Better Than You Think

November 6, 2014 by Amy 16 Comments

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One really nice side effect of adopting out of the foster care system is getting a new perspective on parenthood.

We parents do a great job of beating ourselves up. We could spend 16 hours a day making meals, carting kids around to lessons, dishing out discipline, reading books, playing family games, refereeing sibling fights, doing laundry, helping with homework, reminding them to brush their teeth, changing diapers, giving baths, and we still get to the end of the day and say Man, I did a really bad job at parenting today. Why can’t I get myself together?

I don’t know where these expectations of the perfect parent were created, but I know so many of us try to live up to them and live in a constant state of defeat.

In the process of adopting Jac0b, I’ve learned just how much the little things matter to raising independent, compassionate, productive adults.

You really are getting so much right and want to encourage you in those things today.

Showing up. The simple fact that you are showing up is a huge win. Seriously guys, I don’t care if you sit on the couch all day and do nothing, the simple fact that you show up is a huge win. That doesn’t mean that you can’t ever leave. It just means when you do leave, the kids understand where you’re going, you go where you say you’re going and you show back up when you say you will. Maybe you have to do it by phone because you’re out of town, but do they know you’re out of town? Maybe you are divorced and don’t have them for the week, but are they cared for? If yes, you’ve shown up for them. Huge lessons of trust by just showing up.

Feeding your kids. I don’t care if it’s roast beef and mashed potatoes or McDonald’s. The simple fact that your kids are getting food in their bellies 3 times a day and not having to figure it out on their own or go without is huge. They are learning trust in huge doses. And believe me when I say even though you are worrying about their health with fast food, they probably prefer it.

Taking them to school. I don’t care if you homeschool, pay for private school or send them to public school. The simple fact that you are actually getting them to a place to learn is a big deal.

Caring for their needs. For younger ones, this looks like changing their diapers or giving them baths. For older ones, this might look like applying a band-aid to a scrape or helping with homework. Having someone react to them when there’s a problem—HUGE.

Correcting bad behavior. This includes all the annoying things kids do. Commenting loudly in public about a stranger, hitting someone when they’re mad, calling someone a name, snatching things out people’s hands, not saying thank you, etc. All of these things are TEDIOUS to correct as a parent, but it’s huge. This helps them be adults that are capable of having friends and jobs.

Encouraging them. Whether it’s when they share, or hold a door, or clean up after themselves after dinner, or they just look cute for the day, it’s HUGE for them to have someone behind them that believes in them.

And as a bonus:

Family moments. This includes all the extra things you do through the year…walks around the neighbhorhood, trips to the library, afternoons at the playground, pumpkin patches, trick or treating, birthday parties, Easter egg hunts, fireworks at July 4th, beach trips, visits to the zoo, the roller rink, bowling. These do not have to be expensive, blogworthy, Pinterest pretty moments. Just simple efforts. It may feel like it’s not important and superfluous but it’s not. You’re teaching your kids about the world around them and it’s huge.

I was talking with the principal of our school and they said one kid they were helping came to school knowing nothing about how the world around her worked. She didn’t know what a police officer or fireman was. They had to show her videos in the morning before school teaching her about her world. All of these trips and conversations and pointing out the fire trucks? HUGE.

That’s it.

And here’s what I know if you’re reading this. You’re doing so much more than that.

But hear me when I say these simple things of consistently showing up, getting them their basic needs and trying to make them into halfway likable people is A LOT. It doesn’t feel like a lot because you’re doing it by default, but it is. It really is enough. The simple things are teaching them trust and love and integrity and compassion and boundaries and about the world around them.

Sadly, Jac0b came to us not getting a lot of what I just listed. I honestly never realized how big of a deal just showing up was until 3 months ago. Seriously, when you get to the end of a hard day and you want to beat yourself up, pat yourself on your back if in some way you showed up for your kids.

The gymnastics lessons, the perfect grades, the trip to New York, the cooking lessons, the brand name outfits, the 3-point nightly sermons, the completely organized play room, the perfectly decorated holiday tablescape, etc, etc. those are great, but please, let’s not beat ourselves up about not doing them at the end of the day. They are GRAVY.

You’re doing better than you think, parents. You really are.