Love is on the move.
When I wrote this post about our 6 week update, the night before I had a bit of a breakdown. I see clearly now that that evening was simply a step in the grieving process. Even though we have gained so much through this adoption, we have lost too. Jac0b lost his family, our family of four is gone and the family of five that I thought we would be is not. I had to allow myself to give up those things. I needed to say goodbye.
Since then, the Lord has asked something of me. He asked, “Are you ok even if Jac0b never changes? Do you love him for who he is not how he performs or how he treats you?”
His questions rattled me.
We have (rightly) been working so hard to get him the help he needs. His issues are not small. Educational, medical, emotional, spiritual. We have big mountains to climb. But he is not a project. He is a person that we are meant to love. And true love is unconditional.
It loves even when he sins, even when he doesn’t change, even when he doesn’t trust, even when he turns his nose at good gifts, even when he’s ungrateful, even when he doesn’t want to do the work to get better. We must love at all times. Because that’s how God loves us.
I thought I was ready for this adoption–that I had this love thing figured out. I have learned the past few years how God loves me and delights in me, but I don’t think I truly knew how much his love covered. He is showing me he loved me the same when I got my act together and was ready to receive that love as when I couldn’t understand his love and sinned against him.
My progress didn’t grow his love, but his love did grow me.
And I see that love on the move in Jac0b.
Last week he hurt his elbow after a fall on his scooter. He came in and plopped on his video game, I think to hide it. I walked by and he calmly said, “Mommy, I hurt my elbow.” He stopped playing and presented his scrapes to me. I saw how bad it was and told him I’d get him some cream to put on it. He didn’t question it, didn’t cry, but let me do it. This is progress.
Last night he needed to do some online assessments for some help we’re getting him and he asked me to sit with him. This is progress.
At bed time the past few nights, he has asked me to lay with him first instead of Scott. This is progress.
And then last night he’s sitting beside me and he calls for my attention, “Mommy.” I turn to look at him and he winks at me. He winked at me with a grin on his face. It was the cutest thing I’d ever seen in my life. I’ve heard of sons flirting with their mothers, but this was a first. This, my friends, is love on the move.
I’m seeing it now–love loves anyway, even though, just because, in spite of. It doesn’t wait, it doesn’t require, it doesn’t demand.
And that is the irony. If we wait to love until the change, the change never happens. But when we let go of the demands and love anyway, love goes on the move.
Love loves and then it moves mountains.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.