spiritual stuff

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Pool, pool, pool.  I have had a one-track mind over the weekend.  We’ve been trying to clear up our pool now for 4 weeks and so far it’s been unsuccessful.  All the yucky green stuff goes away but we are always left with milky water.  Now, stay with me because this whole post is not about our pool.  Although believe me, I could write a 1,000 word post on all my feelings about it right now.

One thing that always seems to hinder our pool-cleaning abilities is our steps.  They’re nice steps, not just the ladder steps but that means they’re huge and hard to move.  It’s imperative they get pulled out of the pool every year because algae likes to hide underneath the stairs and always starts a growth of algae even when the rest of the pool appears clean.  Well, clearly we are a hard-headed couple because for every year we’ve had the pool, we’ve never wanted to take out the steps at first.  The fact is the pool is always a green swamp when we open it and who in their right mind wants to climb in there, get out the 100 lbs bags of sand holding it down and then also push out the huge steps?  No one that I know. 

So our tactic to date has been to clear the pool up enough so you can see the bottom of the pool and then plan a big steps-removal day which completely clouds up the pool again but at least you get in a clean pool to get them out.  But really.  If we’d just get the steps out from the beginning we’d be so much better off.  But every single year we keep trying to ignore the algae-infested steps and try to clean the rest of the pool.  It never fails that it always causes so many problem after we take them out that it’s not worth ignoring them.  We kick ourselves and promise we’ll get the stairs out next year.

And as frustrated as I have been over these steps somehow God is using it to show me how life can get.  We try to clean up our life as best we can.  We decide we’ll read our Bible and listen to the right music.  We’ll get the right friends and say the right things.  We even go to church and Bible study every week.  But then there’s those darn steps.  That big bulky thing growing yucky stuff we try to ignore.  We think we can clean the rest of our life up but the truth is until we get that things out, God can’t truly do a redemptive work in our lives.

For those that have read my eBook Entangled, you can probably guess what my steps were a few years ago.  I was harboring a relationship from everyone I knew.  Hidden, inappropriate emails, conversations and feelings were my steps that I thought I could just ignore.  I could run my life just fine while continuing this relationship.  It took years but I finally hauled those steps out of my pool and only then could I see the destruction it left behind.  It took years to truly clean the remnants from my emotional affair but I see now how necessary it was. 

Perhaps you have your own set of steps.  It’s probably that hidden thing that you’re really not too proud of but you just can’t imagine not doing.  You think you can do life just fine with it but if truth be known, you know you need to cut it out.  Perhaps you have your own hidden relationship, an addiction to porn or like my sister had, an addiction to a video game.  Before you brush it off, let me warn you that your thing might not look too bad.  Perhaps yours is a junk food problem or too much TV or even a worrisome attitude.  Things in their own right are good and even necessary, but in excess cause major problems.

I don’t know what your steps are but I feel it way down deep today that someone has a set that need picked up and thrown out.  Take it from someone that’s learned the hard way:  jump in the nasty water and get them out stat. 

In which we write for 5 minutes on identity – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking:

I am His, He is mine.  I don’t know how to do life without Him.  But sometimes I don’t know how to do life with Him either.  It’s because of this vast difference between Him and I that I struggle.  But I know that life is in Him.  I must remain in Him, on the vine.  Especially when I have no idea what I’m doing, which I’m learning is most of the time.  But I can’t just set it aside, ignore it, make a snap decision.  It is more than a belief, a thought, an interpretation.  He is who I am.  I must filter all things through His truth.  But oftentimes because I’m not Him yet and He doesn’t always give me eyes to see I don’t know who I am and I don’t know who to be.  But it doesn’t mean I give up, quit the fight, give in.  I search.  My heart searches like a mother finding a lost child or the shepherd with his wayward sheep.  I’m on that journey, that tiny road, trying to run when it’s all dark and there’s mud holding my feet back and weeds tripping me and branches slamming against me.  I’m torn, scraped and dirty.  But I must because I know the very best awaits.  That unconditional, peaceful, fulfilling part when you know you found a little piece of Him.  You’ve added that little part of Him into you to become Him. 

STOP

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Ah, my brain!  Can I just say “I don’t know” publicly?  Would that be ok with you?  Because I don’t.  I’ve tried to bury my head in the sand regarding Amendment One.  I’m not a NC resident but I work there and I live just a few miles away so all my friends are ALL talking about Amendment One.  I’ve even ignored Facebook to try to stay away from it *gasp*.  I just can’t handle all the hate.  So much hate.  It’s what I referenced in my Broken piece this morning.  And I wasn’t referencing homosexuals when I was saying “Broken people”.  I was referencing mainly heterosexuals that can’t seem to be anything but hateful to someone who doesn’t agree with homosexuality.  If you need to know where I stand go here and here.  It will be no surprise.  I’ve been called dumb (dumb, dumb, dumb), homophobic, bigoted, close-minded, backwards, blah, blah, blah.  All nasty things.  Can I just say I’ve NEVER called a gay person any nasty words?  Ever.  And yes, I have friends that are gay.  We’re not all bigots, I promise but my patience is wearing thin on being bashed.

But my patience will not wear thin on standing up for what I believe.  Because I know Amendment One is about a lot of other things besides legalizing same-sex marriages, but EVERYONE is talking about same-sex marriages, especially since Obama capitalized on the moment and put in his two cents.

If you’ve read the above two posts, you will see that I have taken time to search Scripture and wrestled in my heart about being gay.  Can I just say I WANT it to be ok?  I desperately want to look my Christian friend in the eyes and say go and do.  Do whatever you want!  But I cannot in good conscience agree with same-sex marriages.  I just can’t.   As I said in my post, if you are not Christian, go and have fun.  Seriously.  If you are not a professing Christian, do whatever you please.  I’m not giving you permission, you don’t need it or want it, but I’m just saying I don’t hold people accountable to Christian things that aren’t Christians.

And AHHH there’s the rub.  My friend said “I don’t agree that we should tell others what faith to believe, or force them to live on rules based on that faith”.  However, as I said in my above posts, I WANT God in my legal system.  When someone asks me to vote on gay marriages, I’m going to say I don’t agree.  There is no separation of church and state.  As my sister said on Facebook, I AM the church. I cannot “put my beliefs aside” when voting on an issue whose deciding factor is of a moral base.

BUT.  I keep going back to that whole sticky separation of church and state.  I put myself in another’s shoes.  What if I lived in, say, Iraq, and I was not allowed one thing or another because of my Christian religion?  Wouldn’t I want the government to allow me to do all the Christian things I want even if the main religion is not Christian?  Do you see?  When someone comes against Christianity, it’s different.  Does that mean I should simply not live in Iraq knowing Christianity would not be well-accepted?  I DON’T KNOW.

And that’s my problem.  I know I argued we are “One nation under God.” but is enforcing our Christian morals on everyone, even though we allow all types of religions here, the right thing?  Should everyone not Christian just leave America then?  Well, no!  I don’t believe that at all!

Some say we’d be losing God’s favor.  Would we?  Shouldn’t we already have done that with all the rest of the stuff that is allowed?  Shouldn’t we then push that the only reason for divorce is adultery?  Why are we not screaming about that?  Let’s get real folks, we’re not being consistent.  You only have to flip on CNN to see we really should have lost God’s favor a long time ago.  Thank God He’s so patient, forgiving, graceful and loving.

But if truth is truth, then it’s truth FOR ALL.  It’s not truth if it’s not.  Shouldn’t I then be required to always do what I can so that truth is followed?

All I know is this issue is splitting the church, splitting friendships and dividing a nation.  We cannot simply put our heads in the sand.  As I said before, BOTH SIDES need to learn some grace.  Lots of grace.  I will tell you I will not treat you differently because you are gay.  I will (and have) had a cup of coffee with you and talk to you for hours.  I will love you because you are you.  I believe God loves you because you are you.  We would do well to read posts like Justin’s that cause us to just stop all the hate and have true conversations and dig deep and love well.

I’m here to say I don’t have the answers to how religion and politics go together.   I’d like to tie a pretty bow on this and settle on the left or right.  But all I can tell you is this:

God loves you

He didn’t make mistakes when He made you

He will always give you what you need to withstand temptation

I will love you no matter what

I have no idea how to handle state rules when it comes to same-sex marriages

Will you love me even though I don’t have the answers?  Will you love me when I don’t agree with what you do or what your son does or your cousin or your brother?  I hope you do because when you mess up or your brother messes up, I’ll still love you and so will God.  We have to get to that point.  When we all are lost, there’s grace.  It’s the only way.

Broken seems to be a theme these past few days.  

A broken heart.

A broken marriage.

A broken body.

A broken people.

A broken society.

And on a less serious note,

A broken pool

A broken garden

Broken, broken, broken.

This.  This is what I’ve been feeling this week:

Romans 8:22:23 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies.

Groaning inwardly of the broken.  That’s this week for me.  Lord, come quickly.

“Amy, would you quit pouting?” Scott said in frustration on the way home from church yesterday.

“I’m not pouting, I’m thinking,” I explained.  And that’s always when I know that my brain has had enough.  I’ve over thought every single scenario, I’m staring off into space into some twilight over thinking zone and it’s time for some serious girl time.  I stalked my friend Dani yesterday until she agreed for a coffee date last night.  And she knew, after two weeks of Scott being away, that I needed to decompress.  She dropped everything and we talked for hours, both of us trying to figure out all the God rumblings and kid frustrations.   It’s what friends do and after this weekend I am ever more grateful.

With Scott being gone the last two weeks, I didn’t want to commit to the (in)RL conference.  The concept sounded wonderful—the online conference would be enjoyed from your home this past Friday and then instead of all the attendees converging in one location, you’d find a local meet up on Saturday to watch the simulcast together.  Once the tweets started coming in Friday, I just knew I needed to hear.  I registered 20 minutes into the first session and I’m so glad I did.

The conference was put on by (in)courage where many of my favorite bloggers converge to blog.  It was exciting and interesting and fun to have all these ladies that I know solely from the written word on screen talking about just what I needed…friendships.  Irony abounded as I watched all by my lonesome but I knew my friends were out there, always available at the drop of a text or an invitation to coffee.  So many nuggets gleaned beyond friendship.  Even simply hearing how God put (in)courage together made me want to jump in because it’s clear God is in the midst.  I walked away more thankful than ever for my friends and encouraged once again to follow God’s leading.

I find it fascinating that jumping into these real life friendships sounds a lot like what I just read from Bob Goff’s Love Does and even more ironically, I was picked to speak about friendships in the workplace this week at work.  The loving and the doing and the friending thing definitely all came to a head this weekend. I’m listening, Lord, I’m listening.

If you missed it, I’d highly encourage you to pick up the online pass and booklet that’s just $14.99.  I don’t get a penny for saying that, I just really think you’ll be encouraged and blessed.

In the documentary Back to Eden (have you watched it yet??), the main gardening principle is that the garden needs a cover.  “It’s all about the covering,” the web site boasts.  Paul, the gardener, has found out over the last some years that wood chips is the best cover.  He says the wood chips serve many purposes.  It keeps moisture in so they don’t dry out, after time, it breaks down into wonderful compost feeding the plants, and it protects it from seeds from weeds.

The aspect of the film I love most is how Paul relates his gardening to God. The Bible is rich with gardening imagery and Paul is so passionate about what God has shown him in his own garden.  The clearest to me is that this covering he has found to be the key to his garden points to our covering, Christ. 

Romans 4:7 says Blessed are they whose iniquities are forgiven, and whose sins are covered.

I love the definition I found where it says our sins are “covered so as not to come to view”.  God doesn’t see our sins, he sees our perfect covering, Christ.

But what I love about the film is that Paul reminds us how nature is made so that from creation, we would know God (Romans 1:20).  He begins talking about the covering by saying how in nature, everything is covered.  Dirt is covered by grass, trees are covered in bark, we are covered with skin, fish have scales, birds have feathers, bears have fur.  And while it wasn’t shocking news, something about that just connected with me so deeply. 

I started looking around and not only does creation scream out about Christ, man’s creations do the same thing.  Carpets cover floors, rugs cover wood floors, paint covers walls, leather covers couches, my shower has a cover, my blanket covers me.  It’s nearly endless.  Wrapping paper covers gifts, DVDs have covers, books make the covers awfully important, paint covers canvases, glass covers pictures, pools have covers, cars have covers, lamps have covers.  I mean, all the sudden, all I could see is covers everywhere.  And for me, it was like I’d look at one thing and see a cover and it would be “Jesus!” and then I’d see something else covered and it was “Jesus!” and one thing after another it was, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!”  It reminds me of A Walk with God from a few years back.

Just look around you, I promise you will find coverings of all sorts and in those, see a Savior who is willing to fill you so you don’t dry out, feed you with exactly what you need, protect you from harm, and hide your sin.  Go ahead, go see your Savior.

©iStockphoto.com/Richard Goerg

It’s late on Good Friday and I’ve been trying to write this post all day, thinking on Christ’s death and sacrifice.  Someone said at the beginning of this Holy Week that not only are we celebrating Christ’s death but also our death made possible by his.  We all as Christians have experienced the death of our old selves.  The old has gone and the new has come. 

I suppose I’ve always celebrated that each Easter but this Easter is different.  Ever since writing my book Entangled and sharing the story of my emotional affair, I have had such wonderful peace and closure on that part of my life.  One aspect that I finally truly understand is death to self.  While my old self was gone when I accepted Christ, I feel like there was an old self of sorts that was slain when I gave up a relationship that I did not want to give up.  I say that without shame and only truth now.  But it was hard.  It took many tears and many slayings of my desires to get out of that.  But then on top of the giving up, there was the public writing about it in Entangled, one of the most nerve-wracking things I’ve ever done. Many ask me if I’m glad I wrote that book and I say with every ounce of me it’s one of the best things I ever did.  In a way, it was the final spear into the side of that time.  I finally could say, “It is finished” and truly live in the resurrection he gave me.

But the key for me has been the very public nature of it.  Christ’s death and resurrection were both very public.  And for a purpose.  He needed everyone to finally know that he was the son of God. And I think that’s exactly why he has us share our own deaths and resurrections.  People need to know he’s still the son of God.  His story was not the end of it. His life still lives on through us, resurrecting those that are dead.

How thankful I am for the new life he breathed into my life and marriage, all made possible by his sacrifice.  What a Good Friday, indeed.