Amy J. Bennett

OK, first off, I should say thank you.  Between the emails, comments and conversations, I feel so loved.  So thank you, thank you, thank you for reading, showing support and most of all, praying. Every time a new one would pop up I was all, “Oh, I’m so glad SHE commented!”  Seriously, I might freak out more often so I can hear from you guys 🙂

Yesterday the girls got home from their outing and the plan was for Lexi and I having our one-on-one time while Emma went swimming with our guests (more on that in a minute).  However, Lexi was immediately putting on her bathing suit and excitedly talking about going out. I was like, “Lexi, I thought we were going to spend some time together?”  She thought for half a second and said something like, “Well, I’ll just go out with them for a little bit and we can do it later.”  We never did.  *sigh* I guess she was FINE after all.

Since last week, one thing I decided to do was have one of two teenage girls that are family friends come over the days I’m at home.  That way they are not constantly hearing me say, I have a meeting, be quiet, I can’t right now, hang on and I’m not endlessly getting up to fix some sort of snack.  Not that that’s bad for them to learn some patience but all day every day I’m at home is a lot.  And it’s too darn hot for me to sit out at the pool these days and work (I know, whine, whine, whine).  So one of them is here the days I’m working and so far it’s working like a charm.  We did this several years ago when Lexi was about 3 and they still talk about having her over.  Summer is only a few weeks more and I think this will be the trick to surviving. 

And of course, all your wonderful support and prayers. xoxo

And last night was another mini-meltdown by Lexi.  A family friend had invited her on an outing this morning but when I said I’d be home all day, she wanted to stay home.   Even giving up a meal at McDonald’s!  When I clarified that I’d be home, but would have to work, she lost it and just shouted, “Now I don’t know what to do!  I wanted to spend time with just me and yooo-uuuu!!”  So we worked it out that she would go on the outing and then her and I would definitely do something with just the two of us later.  I can’t tell you how much that squeezes my heart dry.

Thank you for all your support and prayers on yesterday’s post.  I joined you in prayer last night and finally feel like I got a smidgeon of a word.  He said, “Hang in there.  Don’t quit yet,” and of course he finished it off with, “Don’t worry about the kids.  They are FINE.”  I wasn’t sure whether to roll my eyes or laugh.  In any case when he said they were fine, it felt ok.

So don’t quit praying, we’re going to have to figure out this last month of summer somehow.  I do believe once school hits, this won’t be such an issue.  And if you have any great ideas on things we can do during our one-on-one time, I’d be grateful.  Until then, I guess I’ll go New Kids on the Block style and hang tough.

I want to blog about something great I made or wore or bought or read or something. Something besides all the things consuming my mind. I finally took a note from Aibileen in The Help and wrote down my prayer requests. It was a page long. And not wordy ones either. Just people or situations that are taking up headspace, many of which are not appropriate to blog about. I’ve met with at least 3 different friends this week for coffee. They save me from myself. I can’t live without those coffee dates and the $4 coffee is worth every single red cent to get some of that stuff out.

The one issue which I can talk about because it’s all about me is my job. I briefly mentioned Lexi’s break down about hating my job. I do think there were several factors that made it worse that particular night but I think some truth came out. And has since come out two more times since then. Bottom line is she’s having a really hard time with my new work schedule. And I am too.

I think this whole thing would be easier for them if I’d always worked away from home. I know many friends with children that work and know adults (including Scott) who had parents that worked and turned out fine. Better than fine. So I don’t think it’s working that’s so bad. It’s just this transition is really hard. For her entire little life she’s had me at home and now I’m not. I think the breakdown finally happened when it did because we had spent the first 2 weeks of summer on vacation and it wasn’t until the next 2 weeks I spent half the time in the office and she spent ALL DAY at home without me, sometimes not seeing me AT ALL until 5:15 that evening that she realized what was going on. When we started this deal in March, she was in school, saw me each morning and got filled up with love from her wonderful teacher and fun with friends all day. Now, it is very clear that I’m absent. And while Daddy is home with her when I’m gone, there’s just something about having your mother nearby. And my girls are such mommy girls that I think it’s especially hard.

Emma seems better with it. She seems to understand the concept that no work = no money = no Netflix, DirecTV,iphone, pool, movies, etc and etc. In fact, she admitted she LIKES my job for that reason (see yesterday’s post HA). And I guess Lexi isn’t willing to make that sacrifice. She has said very clearly on several occassions she wants me home and not working.

Everyone assures me that they will be fine. Well, to be honest, I don’t want them to be FINE. I want so much more than for them to be just FINE. I’m not looking to survive here, I want them to have the best possible chance they can get. And there’s the rub. If I quit, it’s going to be stressful and hard for us money-wise. Will I be a better mommy or worse without a job and money? If I’m home but we’re not doing much at all and the time I am home I’m constantly saying we can’t do things or get things and I’m stressed and irritable, am I really doing anyone any favors? Will they be just FINE that way too?

All I know is this has been a struggle since the day I started back from leave when I had Emma. I cried like a baby on my day back and follow my blog and you’ll see I’ve been wanting to quit since then. And yet, it’s been 8 years and I’m still holding on. Something has always stopped me from quitting. Greed maybe? Pride? Fear? Or divine guidance? I don’t know anymore. I really don’t know. And it’s upon my heart nearly every waking moment lately. I know, I know we will be FINE no matter what path I choose but right now I’m looking for BEST. What is God’s best for us right now particularly in the face of adding another child through adoption. Just typing that gives me heart palpitations.

I don’t know what to do. I just don’t. Please pray for us. And if you think the answer is clear…if you’re thinking “She just needs to quit” or maybe “She just needs to get over it, they really will be FINE” feel free to share that with me, by email if you feel necessary. I feel like I need some perspective, confirmation, something besides what’s in my head.

I’ve failed to blog most of last week not because I haven’t had time or had nothing to say.  In fact, it was because I had so much to say that I stayed away.  It was quite the emotional week, what with the new puppy, an eye-opening meeting at work, a huge (HUGE. I can not stress this enough) meltdown from Lexi about my job and her hatred (yes hatred) of it and oh, my PMS to exaggerate any small detail.  Yes, it was nothing but drama from which you were spared.

We spent this weekend in Maryland for a family reunion and a mid-year visit to see family.  A four day weekend spent with my family really could not  have dropped in my lap at a better time.  The girls have been stuck like super glue to me and really, it’s overwhelming at times but much-needed and wanted.  We had a great time visiting family, eating together, going to see fireworks, watching movies and generally being lazy around the pool.

I hope you had a wonderful 4th!