adoption

Happy Monday morning to you!  I hope you had a wonderful July 4th weekend if you are in The States.  I had a nice, restful weekend, but not too glamorous. We had a cookout and swimming party at our house with our family Friday for lunch.  Friday night the kids stayed with my in-laws and went to watch fireworks.  Scott had to work an extra shift Friday to manage the fireworks traffic in town. 

I stayed home Friday night and watched Ender’s Game.  It’s not really my type of movie, but I read the book last year and couldn’t not watch the movie. Scott hates sci-fi so it was actually a good chance to watch it. The book was much better, but Asa Butterfield is pretty much amazing.  They really couldn’t have cast that much better. I actually tried to go see The Fault in Our Stars but our theaters seemed to stop all their times after 4pm Friday so I couldn’t.  I guess my cry-fest will have to wait for another weekend.

So, if you haven’t seen Friday’s post, I need you to read our latest adoption update.  For those that have been praying, I so appreciate it.  I do feel God moving in my heart.  I was telling someone yesterday at church that I’ve been trying to strike this weird balance.  If this is really happening, then I want to be joyous and excited.  I don’t want to tamper that joy with any doubts. And yet, in the next 4 days, this round of the rollercoaster could end. I could be getting excited for nothing.  And so, doubts do come up.  I don’t want to look silly with too-high hopes.

I remember feeling these feelings in the early days of getting pregnant with Emma and Lexi.  I’m super duper excited, buuuttt what if something goes wrong?  I don’t know if it’s smart to try to protect my heart from disappointment or simply Satan’s way of stealing any sort of joy he can.

I do believe, though, that God has been confirming over and over that this could really be it.  Both Emma and Lexi are in a really good place with the idea.  I can see a thread of God preparing this for generations, even—I can’t wait until I can tell you all the details.  I’ve run into significant verses a few times just this weekend.  For example, I was journaling about the adoption and how God might be using this for redemption. I wrote:

What was meant for evil is being used for good.

Minutes later, I hopped over to my friend Cyndi’s blog because she posted some lyrics from Danny Gokey’s new song Hope in Front of Me which, if you know my history with Danny Gokey’s music, caught my eye. She says:

This past year, our family has been through a difficult year. But through it all I kept clinging to hope. I know that in the difficult times, God is our hope.

The verse that keeps coming to my mind is Genesis 50:20, You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. 

Some might call it superstition, but I know God is so attentive and in the details that I’m convinced moments like these are little God-winks.  Even if this doesn’t turn out to be a permanent situation, I do believe we’re walking through the right door.

And so, I ask again for prayer that God continues to reveal himself and that we have clarity and wisdom as we move forward.  I especially want to pray for this little boy.  We’re putting together a photo album of pictures of our house and family so he can start learning about us.  I can’t imagine what he’s going through as a system tells him who his new family is going to be.  He has so very little control over his own life that already has been hard. I know in his own way he must be trying to balance his own joy and doubts. I hope it’s all joy, though.  And, as our heavenly Father, I have a feeling God is hoping the same thing for all of us:

All joy, no doubts.

For those that need caught up with our adoption story, you can check out all my adoption posts here.

A big blank page is staring at me, thinking of the right way to tell you what could be one of the top 5 events of my life.

There isn’t a more bloggable event–it’s the kind of stuff bloggers live for.  Huge news.  And yet, it feels like blogging is the least appropriate way to tell you.

I want each of your numbers so I can call you individually and say, “Put me on speaker, I have some good news.”

So let’s just pretend we’ve done that ok?  You’re holding your phone, speakerphone is on, you’ve gathered the family and everyone is listening with smiles, your heart suspended just a few seconds.

And here’s what I’d say…

I just got a call from DSS and they picked us for a little boy!

Yep.

Earlier yesterday I got a call from DSS from a worker I don’t normally talk to.  She was asking if our records were up to date and whether we were still interested in a child being placed with us.  She didn’t give away a lot more than that, but I knew something was going on.

A few hours later, I was on a phone call with work and I got a text from Scott to call DSS ASAP.  I couldn’t because I was on a meeting that had to happen right then.  I asked what was going on and I found out over text…DSS picked a child for us.

Choking back tears. Heart racing.

Scott sent his name and age and I can’t give you details yet, but his name has both familial and Biblical significance.  It was like a big neon God sign in a text message.

I don’t know much yet and I can’t give you details even if I had them.

South Carolina holds placement committees when they are ready to place a child.  They pick 3 or 4 families and a group from DSS holds a meeting and determines which family they feel is the best fit for the child.  We were chosen for this child.

The next step is for us to be read his entire history next week. We then have a choice about whether to move forward and have a home visit with him. They’d like to place him by the end of this month.

This whole thing could come to a grinding halt next week, but we have our open door.  And can I just tell you that the process we went through with the possible adoption in May may have been an absolutely necessary step for this one?  A God thread.  The name, the circumstances.

And can we talk about the timing with Independence Day?  Freedom from the system. I feel like this could be it.  But we could walk out the door just as fast as we’re walking in.

Will you pray for us in the coming week?  Since the ball is in our court, we want absolute clarity and wisdom that this is the best choice both for us and him.

But y’all.

This could be our son.

Source: kathychiu.tumblr.com via Amy on Pinterest

For a few months after we were approved this Spring, nothing happened.  We weren’t reaching out to many agencies as we assumed DSS might be doing the search work.  DSS was mum. 

In July, both of us were getting antsy and we both decided to do some serious online searching.  I ran into this little 6 year old guy from SC’s DSS system.  He has short blonde hair and a big ‘ol grin in his picture.  My first thought is he reminded me so much of Scott.  I haven’t seen a lot of pictures of when Scott was little but it’s how I imagine him to be.  He’s more of a miniature, present-day Scott with his polo shirt and khakis cargo shorts.

I mentioned in my last post that Lexi was having a hard time with the idea of adoption and while that’s still true to some extent, the minute she saw this little boy, she said, “Yep, let’s get him tomorrow.”  Emma felt the same.  All of us felt the same.  It seemed like he just felt right for us.

I emailed and called DSS to try to get some more information.  It took weeks but we did get limited information.  I’m not sure what I can share and what I can’t so I’ll err on the cautious side.  All I’ll say is nothing was going to happen soon.

It’s December, five months later, and still nothing has been decided.  They’re currently reviewing home studies to see what family might be a good match.  We have no idea how seriously we’re being considered.  We just know our name is in the hat and we’re waiting.

I still have great peace about the timing.  I don’t set goals like “I hope he’s home for Christmas” type thing.  I mean, that’d be GREAT, but I don’t set expectations in my mind.  The wait right now is not hard for me.

But let me confess, I probably know why. 

I still get a little scared to death when I think about our life getting turned upside down.  I think about little things like having to go to two rooms to say goodnights and having to ask for a table of 5 instead of 4 and having to find yet another pair of shoes in the mornings and what if he’s violent towards my girls and what if he hates us and what if I have to lock up the knives.  Yeah, my mind goes there.  And the thing is, I think it’s all normal.  Much of the anxiety is the same as any parent would experience during the wait of a new child. 

I think about Mary at this time many years ago waiting for her own little boy.  She was expecting the Savior of the world.  I can’t imagine the anxiety she might have about how that might work out.  No matter what, your first born can induce loads of anxiety but the Messiah too?  After the angel tells her she will have Jesus her response is,

Yes, I see it all now:
I’m the Lord’s maid, ready to serve.
Let it be with me
just as you say.

Even in our waiting, I’m trying to take the position of Mary.  Even though times might get hard, I’m here to serve and do as God has called us.  So I just breathe deep and remember God is with us and he’ll lead us through whatever we’re given.

I still ask for your continued prayers, for us and for him.  No matter what, a little boy has lost his family this year and my heart is breaking for him.  I’ve been praying especially that God would protect his mind and heal his heart.  Pray for his current foster family, the DSS workers as they place him and his future family.

Although I announced on Facebook and Twitter, I couldn’t let another blog post be written until I said here that  we got final approvals on the adoption.  I emailed yesterday just to get an update and the DSS worker said that the home study had been turned in, approved and the only thing lacking was a letter out to us.  We haven’t gotten the letter but I confirmed that all approvals were complete. 

Our paperwork is done.

My first reaction was just happiness.  I honestly couldn’t wipe the grin off my face. This is really happening.  But I won’t lie, I’m scared to death.  I think Scott is too.  As you can imagine, it’s just one big question mark on how this is all going to turn out.  So many variables play into this we cannot even begin to guess on which to worry about.  It’s just like standing in front of a pitch black cave.  No idea if there’s gold or a bear awaiting you.  No idea if you should run in glee or run the opposite direction to save your life.  I’ve said it many times but I’ll say it again that this is a complete God thing.  I believe with my whole being that if God brings us to it, He’ll bring us through it.  That doesn’t mean easy that just means He’ll know what to do in the hard parts.

So I get really scared and then I go see little fellas like this one and a lot of the fear goes away.  Sure, there are still a lot of unknowns but he isn’t unknown.  Something about seeing a face does something different to the story, doesn’t it?

Many have asked what the next steps are.  From now, we are available to be matched.  They have a group of DSS folks that sit down in a conference room with available parents and available children and basically duke it out to figure out who should be presented to whom.  If we are chosen as a candidate, we will be brought in and presented with all of the child’s information that is known.  If we proceed, we get to have an in-office visit with him.  If that goes well, we will have some in-home visits.  If that goes well, we will have an extended stay at our house which will ultimately move to full adoption process if it goes well.  At any time before the adoption is final, we can “give him back”.  It sounds insensitive but they do want to ensure that the child is placed in the right home. 

The amount of time before we are matched is unknown.  It could be as little as two months and up to years.  I’ll admit it makes all the unknowns even more unknown.  Do we plan Christmas with another child or will the kids be in middle school before all this goes down?  We don’t know and the bottom line is we can’t plan.

If you aren’t already, can you please pray for us?  I’m not feeling anxious in the least as far as anxious to have this part over with.  I’m at complete peace with the timing.  It’s after we are placed that I’m a little fearful of.  But please do pray for timing, a God-ordained match so much that it’s clear that it’s a God thing, and also please pray for Emma and Lexi.  Lexi has been having a hard time with the concept lately and I just want to be able to handle that correctly.  I’m fine with her not being ok with it if that makes sense.  It might be part of her testimony that she’s not ok with it.  I just want to respond accordingly so God gets done what He wants done.  And finally, do pray for me and Scott that we have the patience, selflessness, love and wisdom we need through the rest of this process.

Thank you all so much for your support already, I’m so glad to have you along on the journey.

I have a secret to tell about this picture, taken last November.  When I first saw this picture I thought about how beautiful the leaves were and how I love the sun streaming through the trees.  I love that my family is all holding hands and that if you look hard enough, you can see a smidge of my big smile.  But I never told anyone all I could think about is how I thought a little boy would fit between me and Lexi. He would even us out, fit perfectly. 

And looking back, I love that this picture looks like we’re headed off together on a journey, with God’s warm presence over our path.  We didn’t decide and announce we’d adopt until late January this year but this shows he’s been in the picture for much longer.