adoption

When Emma was about 3 months old she was hospitalized for RSV.  I was a brand new mom and Scott had been away during the last 8 weeks or so at police academy.  Having your child hospitalized is a big deal no matter what, but I was super new at this mothering thing and had a lot of other added stresses at the time.  I remember going into a room where they were inserting her IV. She was crying uncontrollably and squirming to get away.  I was trying to help the nurse hold her down and eventually the nurse looked at me and said, “Mom, look at her and tell her it’s ok.”   I was so wrapped up in what was going on that I forgot my little girl on the table needed her mother’s comfort.  I held her other arm and looked her in the face and tried to let her know it was ok.

This morning when I woke up and knew it was The Day to meet our son, I was worried about what was going on around me.  My friend Dani said God had put a verse on her heart since early this morning and shared it on Facebook:

I have a shirt with that verse on it which says Beloved–the meaning of my name, if you don’t know.  And if you haven’t followed this blog for several years you might not know how I’ve struggled to really grasp how much God not just loves me but delights in me.  That verse was something of a thematic verse coming out of the season of my life when I was recovering from my emotional affair.

I walked outside after reading it and saw the blue skies I had prayed for last night where there was supposed to have been rain clouds all day.  I let go and let God love me and calm me. He’s got this.  And I realized my job today was to be that mom again like I was for Emma.  I have a little son who is scared out of his mind about getting a new family and he needs us to be his steady rock. He needs us to look him in the face and say I’m excited to have you here and excited you’ll be here forever.

So I did what all of you mothers and fathers do when we have to do hard things . I put on my momma uniform and determined God was going to cover my uncertainty and I was just to concentrate on loving this little guy and showing him how much we were excited to be with him.

When we met, he was getting out of his car too. He ran around to us and I noticed his soccer ball he brought.  We had bought him one yesterday to give him.  The case worker introduced us and he allowed us to give him hugs. No hesitation whatsoever. He put his soccer ball away and took the new one. We made small talk at the table, asking little things like what’s your favorite color and what time do you eat breakfast. He asked to play soccer with Scott so they had a little match. I’m telling you, there’s an aspect to this whole thing that I hadn’t really thought through totally and that is his and Scott’s relationship.  Watching Scott trying to keep up with him was just the best.

I wish I could show you the other side of that picture, friends. We talked some more, got on the swings and the play set some.

We didn’t realize it but we were supposed to bring the girls.  About 30 minutes into our meeting she offered to let us go to the house and let him meet the girls. He even rode in the van with us!

He did great with the girls. He had memorized who was who.  He looked around the house for a bit and then played some PS3 with Scott.  Him and Lexi even teased each other a bit and Lexi said, “Yeah, you’re going to fit right in.”

The dogs took to him right away.  Bella scooted up right next to him on the couch.  Tucker was a gentleman.  He didn’t even bark when they came in.

He was anxious to swim and is looking forward to our day visit on Saturday so he can do it all day.  In fact, he didn’t really want to leave today.  I told him we could walk him out and he asked if Scott would carry him on his back.  Sweetest moment ever watching those two walk across the front yard.

I keep smiling when I think of him rolling his eyes at Scott’s silly jokes and how easily he seemed to fit everywhere.

This isn’t going to be easy, but what kind of good story doesn’t have hard parts?

God is so, so good and so faithful. I feel like I’m living in a dream.

Beautiful blue and yellow butterfly I saw after the presentation meeting

In the past days, a lot of people have said, “I can’t imagine what you’re feeling.”

I’ve tried my best in my journal to talk about how I’m feeling and why.  I’m so glad I’ve kept journals for many, many years but instead of documenting what I did, I wish I would have documented more often how I felt.  As an individual, I’ve been working on feeling my feelings. I know that sounds strange for a fairly healthy middle-aged woman who writes as a hobby.  I’m in touch with my feelings, no doubt, but through Brene Brown’s work and the Enneagram (personality type system), I’ve realized I’ve also suppressed so many of them.

My Enneagram type (1w9) is all about perfectionism. I’ve realized that’s not so much about having everything perfectly lined up, although it can I think, but doing everything the right–moral–way.  Being angry isn’t one of the “nice” feelings. I realized so many times I’ve tried to explain away those or ignore them. And while I’m all for forgiving one another quickly, I think it’s also wrong to deny the feelings at all.  Being angry isn’t wrong. In fact, feelings aren’t wrong at all.  It’s whether you let it stay, letting them lead to anxiety, bitterness and rage.  All that to say, I’m trying to honor my feelings and I can’t imagine a better time to practice other than walking through an adoption.

Last week before our presentation meeting I was feeling anxious and scared and yet elated and excited.  I walked out with joy bubbling over.  My birthday carried me through Friday. What better gift than to see a picture of your son and know his story?

By Friday evening, though, I began experiencing a feeling I wasn’t expecting.

Grief.

As excited as I have been to welcome him to our family and to watch what God has done on our end, the reality of what is going on with his side started to hit me like a 2×4 right square in the forehead.

Even though I trust 100% this is the way things should go for him,  it is terrible.  A family is losing a member.  What does that feel like to just never see a nephew or grandson again?  A part of me wants to give his family another chance.  I think that Jesus-part of me wants restoration so badly for them.

What will it feel like for him to be handed a photo album on Monday and hear, “Here’s your new family!”  It’s exciting for us and I’m sure in part for him, but also how devastating must that be?  How do you process that at 8?

So, I’m grieving this loss for him and for them.  Adoption is a beautiful tool of redemption, but it’s also messy and unfair and sad first.

I was listening to a podcast with Shaun Groves recently and he was talking about adopting his child.  He said he just sees himself as the second-best parent.  His child deserves to see a face that looks like his tuck him in at night.  I get that right now.

Scott looked at me in the car Friday night and said, “It’s just sad.”  “Yeah,” is all I could say back. We both looked out the window and just sat, feeling all that grief for them.

The Lord, though, knows all of our feelings and pain.  Psalms says he is close to the broken-hearted.

I opened up Instagram today. A few pictures down, I ran into Jennie Allen’s picture.  She’s visiting the first Rwandan home of her adopted children:

Adoption always begins with loss.  Yes.  I don’t think I really got that until the moment I read her words.  She’s many years into this and still feeling that, so I don’t expect this grief to go away. But to hear it acknowledged felt like God was saying he sees our grief.  He’s right here with me walking through it.

I don’t know the right way to handle this except to respect that part of his life and do the best we can with our new family.  Actually, I’m not sure grief can be handled, only experienced.

So today for me, these are the feelings begging to be felt: joy, excitement, fear, anticipation, love and yes, grief.

For those tracking our journey, our 1 hour visit with him will probably occur mid-week at a park.  Only Scott and I will go.  This weekend we’re expecting our first home-visit.  We’ll pick him up as a family at the foster home and then bring him home for several hours.  Another turning point for our journey.  How will he fit in with us? With the kids? In our home?  We covet your prayers.

As far as I’m concerned, The Boy is now Our Son.

I know I prayed to know–to really know–that he was ours, but I’m still surprised at how right it all feels.  We walked into the meeting where I was literally eyeing the trash cans in case I puked.  I was so nervous about what we might hear.

We saw his picture before the meeting started.  I pulled them out and while I can’t describe him or show him to you, I will only say that I knew.  I’ve been feeling like this is really it for several days–that this was the real deal.  In fact, I sobbed last night as God gave me a glimpse into a much larger story he’s been writing.  Something about seeing his picture, though, was the final stamp.  I truly didn’t even need to hear his story to move forward.  However, the meeting went very well.  They read us his background summary, answered questions and then handed us all of his records to take him and study.  I wish I could tell you details, but I will say I’m looking forward to showering him with love and attention.

I can tell you only that he is 8 years old.

And even with that small amount of information, I need to do some math for you and give you a peek into some things that God has been doing.

Do you know what was happening 8 years ago in our family?  We were in the midst of my emotional affair.  Our marriage was the worst it’s been. I just know Satan was trying to tear our family apart not only to ruin all of us, but also to stop this rescue.  Coincidentally, at the same time this boy came into this world.

Two threads began.  One birth of life and one attempted birth of death began.

And did you know, when we began considering adoption 3 years later, we were wanting a 3 year old?  And do you know that he would have been 3 at the same time?

I have no doubts that it wasn’t just that God “let us have him” so that our timelines would “match” but that God specifically set that desire in our hearts so 5 years down the line, he could bless us with our son.

The celebration of his life rescued and our marriage redeemed.

Two threads tied together forever.

God is so stinkin’ awesome. I cannot even stand it.

As for next steps, we are thinking that Scott and I will meet with him at a park for an hour next week.  From there, we schedule home visits and then hope to have him settled before school starts in August.

So many of you have reached out to tell us you’re praying for us and we so appreciate it. Clearly, God is near.  Please continue praying that our path forward is cleared and that our hearts continue to be joined together as a family.

I walked into that meeting today ready to be sick and walked out doing a happy dance at the elevators.

And so it was..that she, having waited long and endured patiently realized and obtained what God had promised. Hebrews 6:15

I hadn’t planned to post today but, I wanted to tell you we set our appointment time with DSS for the presentation meeting–this Thursday 7/16 at 2pm.  I started to make it just a status update, but as it turns out, I have Some Thoughts.

We will be read his background information, be able to ask questions and be sent home with his records so we can decide if we want to move forward with the adoption.  I know we can’t pray to change the past, but please pray for us as we listen and then decide to move forward. I’m taking lots of tissues!

Here are some specific things you can pray about:

• I want to listen with grace. I already know I’m going to hear some terrible things.  Why else would he be in the state’s care?  But, I want that to move us to compassion towards him, and not towards hatred and bitterness toward whomever was involved.  I want our hearts softened, not hardened as we walk away. We cannot do anything to help his family at this point, but we can love him well. More hatred in our hearts will not help.
• I want it to be clear whether we are to move forward or not.  I want our hearts to be drawn toward him and just know he’s our son.
• I truly believe that our timelines will be woven together in ways we cannot imagine.  If this is truly our son, I’m already seeing some threads and am amazed. I want eyes to see the moments where God has been at work.
• I want wisdom as we communicate to our girls. What is enough for them to understand?

I feel like Thursday will be a turning point.  Right now we know almost nothing, but Thursday we will know all they do.  He won’t be just a name and age to us, but I hope to see his face and know his journey to us.  I’ve been likening this feeling to when I was pregnant and waiting until week 12 to be able to breathe.  So many things can still happen, but it will be like that turning point when you can let go a little.

It’s scary and exciting all at once.  Less than 48 hours, ya’ll!

Random – don’t you think this tree bark looks like pages of a book?

I’m in the midst of a few really busy days at work, tonight we hosted a party for Scott’s birthday (Happy Birthday, babe! That’s 20 birthdays we’ve celebrated together!) and in between, I’ve been disappearing into Rainbow Rowell’s Fangirl at every chance I get (Only $5 Kindle book right now, but it’s no Eleanor & Park). So, apologies, but no major posts for the first of this week.  If you missed Faith and Waiting on Friday, I’m praying it will be encouraging to those of you facing some type of wait.

For those following along with our adoption journey, I didn’t want to leave you hanging without a post for a few days and no explanation. We originally thought we were going to hear The Boy’s records/history last week and then have a home visit, but the presentation meeting got pushed to this Thursday. Home visits will happen some time after that and as far as I know, the idea is still to place him at the end of July/beginning of August so things should start progressing quickly.

So, I’ll probably be back for a short What I Wore Wednesday and then hopefully some sort of update on Thursday evening.  Or maybe I’ll just be blubbering all evening.  Not sure yet. Also?  Friday is my birthday, so as an early present (other than, hello, getting to know my son–how about that timing?), go like the Facebook page AND you won’t miss the updates coming up!

Love you guys!

A slip of paper lies on the table waiting for collection.  One meeting awaits completion.

Nearly five years of papers and meetings and it’s coming down to these two. The final pieces needed for our adoption approval.

I already know the paper says I’m approved and I have no doubts the final home study update will go well.

And yet, I feel the weight of it this morning.

My head pounds, reminding what a serious thing we are doing.

And yet, my heart says it’s ok. I haven’t seen his face. I know so little about his history.  There’s a growing love that overwhelms the anxiety.

It’s such a risk to love without knowing, without seeing. And yet, I can feel it happening.

Just as I loved my girls as I awaited their arrival and felt the risk of the birth and bringing in someone new, I can feel that love growing here too.

The wait has been long, but it’s also been good.